Advice for Stay at Home Moms

The decision to leave my job and stay at home with my children was both the best and worst decision I've ever made. The job of a stay at home mom is rewarding, and at the same time lonely. You sacrifice much more than just a second income to stay at home, and those sacrifices can start to add up ending in bouts of depression and isolation. There are, however, a number of outlets, resources and advice that a stay at home mom can use to ease the transition from the workplace to the home.

Lower your expectations

One of the biggest mistakes made by new stay at home moms is trying to take on too much from home. When you're working, it's easy to stop and think of all the things you will be able to do once you are away from your job. Unfortunately, the reality of staying at home is much different. Babies are difficult, demanding, and have a knack for throwing a wrench into your plans. Sometimes it's all you can do to keep up with the children, the house, and possibly even yourself in one day. A good friend of mine left her banking job to stay at home with her infant twins. When the twins were around 6 months old, she and her husband were attending an event at his law firm when one of the other lawyers asked her, "You're a stay at home mom? What do you do in your spare time?" "Sleep," she replied. "No, I mean your spare time," he tried to clarify. "Oh!" she said, "In my spare time I eat. And shower." The truth is, most new stay at home moms have very little time for themselves. Trips to the gym on lunch breaks are no longer possible, swinging by the store on your way home is not an option anymore. And in those first few months, when the baby finally does get to sleep, you're too tired yourself to be productive.

When faced with the reality that they can't do it all, many stay at home moms grapple with feelings of inadequacy and failure. This in turn leads to depression. The best way to avoid this is to start off with as few expectations of yourself as possible. Sure, there's always the mom who seems to juggle everything without batting an eye, trust me, she doesn't. And if she does, ignore her. Give yourself two tasks in your new career, taking care of your children and keeping up with your home, in that order. As you start to get into your own groove, things will get easier and you can start adding activities back in to your life.

Dealing with your husband

Another great challenge to being a stay at home mom is dealing with your spouse. Even the best husbands can seem insensitive when their wife decides to stay at home. It's not completely their fault, even in families with the best financial situations, husbands feel the added pressure of providing for their family as the sole breadwinner. Unfortunately, the stress you're going through combined with the stress he's feeling can make for some rocky times. If you set some ground rules and come up with a family plan as soon as possible, you can avoid some of the common issues couples have during this transition.

It seems juvenile, but consider making a chore chart for the two of you, specific household duties that each of you will be responsible for from week to week. Although you will most likely take on the bulk of the housework, after all, you are at home the most, make sure you are not taking on all of the responsibilities yourself. Your first priority is your child, and you need to reflect that when dividing up the chores. Even if he only has a couple of weekly tasks on his to do list, you have come a long way in getting out of the mindset that the house is solely your job. Do what you can, but having a mom stay at home requires a partnership. If you are doing it completely alone, house and child, chances are one of the two will get neglected.

From the day you bring your baby home, give Dad some quality time alone with the kids. Never use the term "watching" or "babysitting," parenting is a two way street and he is as much invested as you are. Don't ever ask permission, just announce you are taking some time to yourself and leave it at that. Take a nap, take a shower, eat something, and if you find he's depending on you too much to take care of minor situations, get out of the house for an hour. If you are the only person taking care of the children, then your hours "on the clock" will go from sun up to sun down and even later if you've got a baby who won't sleep. To make things fair, give him the same baby-free time when he first comes home from work to let him unwind. It only takes a half hour to an hour each day, and you'll feel so much better for doing it.

Connecting with other moms

The first couple of weeks as a stay at home mom, you'll probably be flooded with visitors and phone calls checking in. It won't be long, however, until those calls taper off and you find yourself missing adult conversation. Fortunately, every stay at home mom is in this exact position, and have formed networks of playgroups, discussion groups and websites just to talk. If you have a church community, they almost always have weekly activities for moms, some of them with childcare. You can find playgroups in your area listed in newspapers and on the web, but enter each on a trial basis to see if you and your children are a good fit.

Another thing you can start with your stay at home mom friends is a "Mom's Day Out" club. Basically this is a group of 2-4 moms who alternate watching each other's children on a set time and day of the week anywhere from one to two hours. Whenever it's not your week with the kids, you get a free hour to yourself to run errands, get some work done or just kick back with a book.

Maintaining your skills

One of the hardest things for stay at home moms to comprehend is leaving behind a career in which they have invested time, hard work and education. As much as they love their children, for many women a career was their child before they became moms. It can be difficult to reenter the work force after spending years at home with your kids, but keeping activities that require you to use your work skills can help.

A home based business is a great option for stay at home moms. There are a number of prepackaged businesses tailored to stay at home moms, everything from cooking to crafting, bath and body to cosmetics, home decor to lingerie. Find something you're interested in, and it becomes a lot more fun and a lot less work. These businesses offer little investment and a wide variety of tools already in place. You can spend as much or as little time working your "job" as needed, both outside of your home with a party plan or on the web. Marketing, sales, public relations, bookkeeping, these are all skills necessary for these businesses, and even if you're not looking for a second income, you can still keep your skills sharp. As an added bonus, you can also network with other representatives and make great friends in the process. Do your research before signing up, home based business opportunities are teeming with scams.

Writing is always a wonderful way to relieve stress and continue to use your mind. If you don't want to take on the deadlines of being a freelance writer, websites like (associatedcontent.com) give you the opportunity to publish articles, essays and short stories to get yourself a nice on line profile, and possibly make some extra money on the side. You can also keep a blog at one of the many blogging websites available like livejournal or (vox.com). It can start as an on line journal, a way for you to keep track of your thoughts and ideas during the day, but many bloggers have turned their musings into highly profitable and popular websites.

There are lots of organizations who are desperate for experienced professionals to volunteer their time. Nurses, doctors, teachers, vets, landscapers, contractors, there is a worthy cause out there for almost every career. The best part about volunteering is that you can pick and choose your schedule based on the amount of time you have available. Once a week, once a month, whatever works best for you. And, of course, you'll get the satisfaction of helping where your skills are needed the most.

Leaving behind a career for your family is a noble, selfless act. If you utilize your resources, network with other moms in your situation and remember to make time for yourself, it will be a decision you will never regret. Enjoy every wonderful minute!