Advice for My Teenaged Daughter: Make Life Better Today

Twenty-one years ago a young woman I knew was one of fourteen who were murdered at their school. Looking back on that terrible time, one of the strongest memories I have is of mothers mourning all the things their daughters would never get the chance to do. None of us wants to think about that happening to our own children, but now that my oldest is coming closer to womanhood I can't help wondering what I would regret if she were to suffer a similar fate tomorrow.

There were a lot of good things that came out of my teen years, but I understand the people who say high school was the worst experience they ever had. I can relate to the cliques and the bullying, to the insecurity of those years and to the moments of loneliness and rejection.

A recent publicity campaign is reaching out to tell teens that, "It gets better." But what about the kids that don't live long enough to see that day? I think if one of my girls were to pass beyond the veil, that is what would worry at me the most: the thought that she might have been waiting for her life to get better. I've decided to teach my girls to make today the better day, so they don't have to wait for tomorrow.

Love yourself
It's a cliche, I know. It's hard enough for a grown woman to do sometimes, so how can I expect a girl of fourteen to figure it out? The answer is simple: you are the only person you can count on to love yourself the way you want to be loved. Don't wait for life to bring love to you on a silver platter; instead make it happen by being your own biggest ally.

Take time to get to know yourself, just as though you were meeting a completely new person for the first time. Celebrate the things you like, work to change the parts you don't like, and always be honest about what you want and need from others. Yes, that means hard work and taking risks. Life ain't easy, so get used to it.

Cultivate real friendships
Don't waste your time trying to be popular. Twenty years from now, you won't care what the popular girls think of you. Twenty minutes from now, or twenty days from now, the popular girls may not even be popular anymore. Find people who share your interests - boys and girls. Enjoy just being together, talking, or sharing a common activity. Yes, you may one day find love with one or more of these friends. But don't make the mistake of thinking that's the important part. When your love life is going to Hades in a hand basket, it's your friends and family you will rely on.

Never settle
Just as you need to cultivate your interests and speak for yourself, you also need to be sure you know your own mind. Don't let so-called friends make you choose between them and another person. Avoid taking sides when others aren't getting along. Don't go out with a guy just because he's the only guy who has asked. Don't stay with a guy who doesn't treat you with respect. Just don't. If you can work it our, work hard at it. If it's over, let it go and don't say spiteful things that may later come back to bite you in the rear.

Be an ally
Stand up for others when they need a friend, and don't be afraid to address a wrongdoing when you see one. Even if it seems like idle gossip and teasing, name calling can hurt a lot. You may not be popular when you remind your peers to watch their language, but at least you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror. When you become the target of the name calling - and this is something very few of us ever escape - maybe someone will remember your integrity, and stand up for you too.

Lean on me
When all else fails, remember that I'll be here for you. I've been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. I know how it feels when everything is falling apart around you. I brought you into this world, and I've nurtured you thus far. I won't judge you for your follies. Even if you are repeating one of the stupid mistakes I made and warned you about. Even if we've been down this road a million times before, and you just don't seem to learn from the pain. A mother's love is unconditional. I'll stand by you, no matter how bad it gets.