Advice for Wives of Deer Hunting Fanatics

Face it: You might as well kiss him good-bye for the rest of the hunting season (at 4:00 a.m.). If you really want to score brownie points, drag your carcass out of the warm bed before the crack of dawn and send him out with a thermos of hot coffee and your best wishes. Then help him drag his carcass (the one he shot) out of the truck and hang it from the tree for all the neighbors to admire.

Here are a few tips on how to survive deer hunting season and maintain peace in your home:

1. Accept it. Yes, he would rather be in the deer woods than with you. Yes, he would rather spend his only day off freezing his rump off in a deer stand for hours on end without moving a muscle until a prize deer crosses his path. Yes, he thinks it is more fun (and more important) to go hunting than to take you out. Yes, it would be cheaper to buy half a steer than to finance the ammo, tags, hunting license, deer processing, and all the other expenses required for this "free meat." But just zip it and accept it. Life will go back to normal after hunting season.

2. Be prepared… to drop everything you're doing at a moment's notice to come outside and admire his kill. Then get ready to get down and dirty because your help will be needed to skin, quarter, pack, and freeze deer meat for longer than it would take you to go to Winn Dixie and stock up on hamburger.

3. Take pride. "Yes, I think it's a great idea to carpet the living room in deer hides! Sure, honey, I think we should mount the rack! No, dear, I don't mind at all if we have a block party with venison as the menu feature! Why, of course, I'll dress the children in camoflauge for their school pictures!"

4. Intercede for him. When the neighbor comes to complain that she's tired of looking at the gutted deer carcass dangling from your children's swing set, stand by your man. Run off the dogs that are trying to eat the meat; and by all means, keep all toddlers with baseball bats away! Be ready to call in the tag to the conservation department because he won't have time to, and the fine would probably be more expensive than a year's supply of groceries.

5. Prepare your kitchen. Sanitize every surface (you'll need to get into cleaning mode anyway because your entire house is about to get contaminated with deer germs). Set out cutting boards, mixing bowls, and butcher knives (resist the temptation to use any of these items on your husband). Invest in a large supply of aluminum foil and freezer bags. Be ready to stay up until midnight butchering deer meat, even though you got up at 4:00 a.m. to see your mighty hunter off.

6. Take it with a smile. Realize that you are about to run the nastiest load of bloody, hairy laundry that your Maytag has ever had to tolerate (since last year's hunting season anyway); and he's probably going to get mad at you because the Tide smell will spook the deer. He won't have time to take his boots off at the door, and it will have to become socially acceptable in your household to smell like deer urine. Welcome to hunting season.

7. Make room in the freezer. Finish off last year's kill before deer season begins, and let the grocery stock get really low because he will feel like a macho hero for "bringing home the bacon" (a.k.a deer) and becoming the salvation of his poor starving family with his hunting skills.

8. Don't worry; it will be over soon! Life will go back to normal as soon as deer season is finished! Look forward to throwing a deer roast in the crockpot, and welcome your hubby home with a new (camoflauge) nightie and some sexy antlers!

Please take my word for it; I am truly speaking from experience! Yes, I stayed up until midnight last night butchering deer meat. Yes, there truly is a deer carcass hanging from my children's swing set right now as I type this article. Yes, we have spent more on hunting supplies than groceries this month. And, yes, unfortunately, I have truly had dealings with the neighbors AND the dogs (and the toddlers!). I'm clinging to the hope that it will all be over in just 8 more days…