Affairs During Marriage: Who's Cheatin' Who?

My belief is that there are some people who are simply 'monogamy-challenged.' There are men and women alike who seem completely unable to be faithful under any circumstances. I like to think of them as 'chronic cheaters.' They may have an incredibly happy marriage but, given an opportunity, they continue to cheat. Again, this kind of cheater tends not to be gender specific. There is, however, another breed of cheater.

I recently saw a statistic that said 40% of women have extramarital affairs. In my opinion, most of these women probably fall into the second category. These are the ones I'll call the 'situational cheaters.'

These are women who feel they are not getting what they need emotionally from their marriages. They don't feel loved or valued or wanted. They are, many times, lonely and hurting in their marriages. And they may feel trapped in the marriage.

I know this because, as much I wish it weren't so, I was a 'situational cheater.' My marriage left me feeling numb and empty. My ex-husband cared only about his own feelings and admitted as much. The day he told me that he had to make his point regardless of how much it hurt me, I knew in my heart the marriage was dead. He was narcissistic and controlling. So much so that he controlled my finances in order to keep me in the marriage. At least, that was what he convinced me was true. I began to hate him and myself. I felt as though I had no value. I had lost everything that was me. As time went on, the situation only deteriorated.

The affair began, as most do, almost accidentally. I began to end my work week in the bar with co-workers. It was the one place I could go, be me, and relax without being belittled or criticized. A co-worker also felt trapped in an unhappy marriage. It started with two friends empathizing over a common experience. I remember telling my counselor that M was the only person who understood what I was going through. It was that commonality that brought us together. Then we were discovered. And as much as I hate that we did, a part of me is still grateful. I hate that we got caught because of the people it hurt. My children chiefly but also my ex-husband as strange as it sounds. To this day I regret the pain I inflicted on them. But I am grateful because it finally ended the marriage. L, my-ex, took the initiative and ended it. He did what I could do, what he had made impossible for me to do.

And yes, you read it correctly. I didn't say I regretted the affair; I regret that we got caught. And again yes, I know that what I did was wrong; that it was a sin. I know that, at that moment, I was acting immorally. And yet, that at moment, it was all I could do or I would have completely lost me. In fact, when I called my parents to tell them we were getting divorced, my mom said, "Thank God. We are finally getting our daughter back. He completely swallowed your personality and who you were."

Would I do it again? Absolutely not! Then again, I'll not ever again marry a man intent on creating a wife in his own image. I'll never again put myself in a position that risks my very being.