Afraid of the World: A Mother's Worst Fear, a Daughter's Life Long Nightmare

On the other end of the phone was a small voice so full of fear and shaken that I couldn't understand her sobbing words. She had hushed me several times and finally I screamed into the phone for her to tell me exactly what was going on. And as I heard the words that seemed so familiar from her before, my heart grew heavy and my arms ached to hold her. Its happened again, my ten year old daughter had been molested, again.

I have never felt so helpless, I just wanted to shut this whole world off and then maybe, just maybe my children could be safe. The thought of somebody forcing my daughter to touch them has my out view on human at a different level now, but its not a very close friend this time, or her sisters boyfriend, this time its family, this time has taken her trust and any type of security she once had and trampled upon it like it meant nothing. Her little world has become much more than being a kid, this time will have an impact on her that will carry a life time. As an adult will she find relationships that are unstable, abusive, perhaps even life threating and feel comfortable? Will her way of thinking stop her from achieving the goal of wanting to "change the world" as she states consistently? Will she ever be the same silly, joke playing, compassionate, energetic, bubbly little girl that I am so proud of and used to seeing? Or will I have to adapt and except my daughter as a stranger who hates this world, and everybody in it?

When my daughter was five, I had been so caught up and strung out on meth that her and her older sister were in custody of my parents. Although I could seen them whenever I wanted, I did not visit every day. I hated to see them cry and scream as I left from visiting them and so not visiting them just seemed easier, how very selfish I had been back then. I had known this guy, we will call him Jack, for about five years. We lived next door to each other and he had a daughter only few months older than my daughter. When our power was shut off he let us plug extension cord into his trailer for our appliances, and we would shower over there. He also would come over and get the kids if her heard me and my boyfriend fighting. He was one of the guys you see that has tattoos head to toe, shaved head and a cricked smile and then assume he was a punk. But I knew this guy from the inside out, he had morals, he hated thief's, liars and child molesters. He had to do some time in prison once and ended up almost beating to death a child molester while in there. I loved him like a brother, and throughout the years after we moved from home to home, we lost contact.

I was working in a restaurant about three years ago and he happened to come in, we hugged and asked about mutual friends and of course family. It was awesome to see him out of the pen and back on two feet. We exchanged numbers and kept in contact but only talked maybe once every few months. My daughter never came in contact with him during these years we had lost touch, nor had I ever spoke of him even in casual conversation, so his name was not familiar in our home, that was until one night I was unloading groceries and she sat on a stool in our kitchen, we shared a somewhat uncomfortable silence and that's when she told me what had happened to her. She remembered his name, his tattoo on his neck and even his girl friends name that was with him that night it took place. There it was, the reasons for her horrible nightmares, her not wanting to trust men, her rage that was let out every so often, and her reason for wanting to have the lights on while she slept. How could I have not seen this? I used to think that maybe the events I have been through at a young age was Gods way of making sure I would be aware and see signs of my children being hurt, now I do not understand anything of what I had justified. My daughter at age five was sexually penetrated by a man I considered my brother.

I will not go into such detail of how my emotions were a mess, but I will tell you how this "Justice System" has failed both my daughter and any other victims the man has or will have. After calling the police and meeting with special victims unit at a place called Faces, where my daughter, who was now only nine, under went a complete physical exam without me in her room at her side, (which I was told I was able to to do) we answered all their questions and signed papers and told what steps would be taken. When we left my daughter had felt she had been molested all over again in the exam room, the person who told me I would be in there now denies the whole conversation. One of the Detectives had told my daughter he would put this guy behind bars, the examiner said that her story and how she explained the whole incident that there was absolutely no way she could be lying. The Detective looked into my daughters face and promised her that he would stick by her side, and he knew she was telling the truth. That would be the last time we ever heard from that Detective. I called and left many voice mails for him to please return my calls because of some rage issues that my daughter was having at this time, and after months of his neglect I asked to speak to his superior. About a week later we were notified he was no longer on this case. Now during this time I had CPS at my home because I had not gotten my daughter into counseling yet. You see, we were told she had free counseling for the rest of her life, but because the male Detective failed to turn in our paper work to get process started, we had no verification to prove this grant. I could not pay for her sessions, its unreal how much you have to pay for somebody to help your child who has lost their innocence at the hands of evil.

Many months later the new female Detective and I had started our contact. She arranged a taped phone call which we referred to as the "Confrontation call". This is where I straight ask him if he did it, why and play along like an apology is all I am after. The call was very smooth, I posed as still wanting to remain friends, I just wanted my daughter to know he wouldn't do it again. He never said that he did not do it, he only danced around this question with other things such as him having a daughter of his own. I asked him to take a lie detector test like the Detective has told me to say, and he said he would.

There are many different opinions from a lot of people about the reality of how correct the readings are or are not. The polygraph, which measures lie-associated stress through accelerated heart rate, rapid breathing, rising blood pressure and increased sweating, is considered unreliable in scientific circles. Sociopaths who don't feel guilt and people who learn to inhibit their reactions to stress can outwit a polygraph. In other words if a child molester tells himself over enough times that what he has done is not real, the chances of him passing are probably pretty good.

When jack, months later after the phone call, went in and took the test he passed. The Detective called and told me they had dropped the case on him. Asked me if there was another person we could go after, I said a few choice words and then hung up. No contact has been made since then. To have to look into my daughters eyes and tell her this was so very hard, the strength that she had somehow managed to gain back now crumbled before my eyes. This is when she lost trust in police, as did I.

This is what I do not understand, if they can drop charges on a man for passing a polygraph then why are there lawyers, attorneys, public defenders and jury trials? Why not put my daughter on the machine and see if she passes, this has me outraged that this sick man who played the system so well gets to walk around stalking victims, living only blocks from us right now, not to mention a grade school. This man sleeps at night laughing that he was able to pull the wool over on the police department, when my daughter does not even get to run around and be a kid because of fear. How do I teach my children to trust when there is nobody to trust? This time her molester happened to be a family member, blood related. And the time between it was a boy who calls her mother (me) Auntie. How long are drug dealers going to sit in prison while sexual predators are let out on parole to live next to schools and playgrounds? In my area code there are ninety eight registered sex offenders, that's only the ones who have been caught. I am so scared to let my daughters even walk to school, or play in the yard. I am uncomfortable around my ten year old while she is changing her clothes, showering or even hugging her because of fear I may make her uncomfortable. Her world has been turned upside down and is now an unfamiliar piece of this blind broken puzzle I will help her put back together. I love my daughter and I will be her strength for now, I hope that one day the system realizes what their lazy tactics have on people in this world, but until then how many more people will have to suffer?