After the Divorce
Story of Divorcing My Best Friend and Soul Mater
After a seriously sharp decline over the last eight months, I finally filed and followed through with divorce proceedings. While all of my five children refer to him as "Dad," he is only the biological father of our youngest, conceived after I had my tubes tied no less. I thought by marrying my best friend, I would have a partner for life. I would have someone to grow old with. Sadly, those dreams are nevermore.
I have not always easily forgiven the hits to our marriage, perpetrated by my "soul mate," but I forgave them ultimately. I forgave things that no relationship should ever have to worry about, all because my husband chose to put alcohol and his "freedom" before his wife and family. One would think that due to the recent decline in the relationship, the divorce should have been easy, right? It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. (After all, the first three years of marriage suffered hits as the result of my own actions.) I believe it would have been easier to kill him than divorce him. And ironically, I use to tell people all the time that I'd bury my husband before I divorced him. Seemingly, today I buried my ability to ever love another.
Some might say that I'm only one day into a "new beginning," so why would I think I could ever love again. Granted, that might be true; I may be capable of falling in love again. Yet, I will never know because I will not allow myself to become enamored with another man. The open, non-judgmental, and accepting of all faults love that I shared with my husband the last six years can never be replicated. I would never even try to do something so sacrileges.
I know that my husband believes I left him in search for that proverbial "better man," but my heart no longer is capable of sharing that which I shared with him. No one will ever know all that he knew without judging me in some form or another. The unconditional love my husband and I shared for each other was unique. Some say that he could not have loved me after all he did. I say that unconditional love for someone does not make another perfect in behavior or decision-making. I say unconditional love forgives all and continues to reach out to that person for whom so much love is felt.
Unfortunately for my husband and I, love like ours does not come without a price. After three years of struggling to understand, forgive, and move on towards a better future, I found that choosing to stay with my husband was sucking the life out of my soul. I was becoming a hateful and bitter person who tried to control every aspect of his life. That is not the person I want to be and not the person that anyone deserves to spend their life with. It was time to let go and move on to a life of singularity, independence, and loneliness.
I will forever love my husband, I will forever continue to be his best friend, and I will forever continue to have his back. The love I have had for my best friend over the last six years will never die; however, the pain associated with continuing to stay married to him has ended. The divorce is final; the love will always remain.
Most divorced couples spend the rest of their lives feeling anger, hatred, and blame towards one another. My husband and I will always see each other to look in one another's eyes and feel that twinge of pain, knowing that we love each other, yet we can never be we again. It is too painful, too hard, and something that will never work. Through it all though, the love remains.
Published by Lillian Ryvers
I am the married mother of six. I believe that all things happen in life for a reason, as my articles will tell you. View profile
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18 Comments
Post a CommentIt was unfair of him to unload this disease on you. It wasn't supposed to be part of the package deal. Marriage is tough enough for most people. This destructive force can push normal relationships beyond the limits. Time will tell if you made the right decision but one thing's for sure; there will be regrets regardless. The quantitative measure is are they fewer than had you chosen to stay, Again, time will tell. I hate to use cliche's but I think this one fits. "What doesn't kill us make us stronger."
"unconditional love for someone does not make another perfect in behavior or decision-making". That was pretty powerful and so true.
I want to know how you are doing now - what has changed since then? I have been divorced for 15 years, and although it took a very long time, 10 years, I finally healed myself, fixed what was broken in me and have found a wonderful guy to share my life with - I remember the pain you speak of - so I ask - how are you doing these days?
Wow this really moved me. People say to marry your best friend is the best choice because you've known them longer than any other man/woman...but sometimes things don't work out and you need to just keep it titled "friends"....I'm so happy that you were able to forgive eachother. It's beautiful that you two still love eachother.... I hope, if I ever get divorced...we could stay friends too.
Being able to share the experience and pain and know that you aren't alone is such an important part of the healing. You did the right thing in finally taking care of yourself. I think that we learn so much about ourselves from these difficult relationships. I hope that you will find yourself open to love again in the future once you've taken time to recover and rebuild your emotional strength. Thank you for sharing this.
I am sorry to know that you're hurting so much. You are a sweet person and deserve more, and am proud of you for taking the steps you needed to to get what you do deserve. Divorce is painful, even when you don't like your spouse. Hang in there sweetie, it will get better.
:-) great article ;-)
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.... It will take time, but the grief will subside.
I wish you every blessing as you begin life without your husband. Very touching article.
I am so very sorry that you had to go through this. I went through it 25 years ago. It is heartbreaking and as P Whickerson said, it is the death of a dream you deserve better. As steve said you may feel mistrustful now but maybe in time your feelings will change. I have been remarried for over 22 years to a wonderful man. Try to get some counseling or at least Alanon to help you recover. thanks for sharing this heartfelt story, love and prayers to you dear one.