After Domestic Abuse

Most domestic violence survivors fall into the category of "it will never happen to me again". We either go the extreme route of choosing to never be with someone again, or if we do choose a relationship, we tend to expect the behavior we had in the past. Many of us, once out of our support groups feel lost without the extra voices urging us to move forward. Its as if there is an invisible time line we are expected to get past, but none of us has the guidebook telling us when it ends.

There is no time limit for domestic violence survivors. There will always be something that will give us a flash back, a shiver of a reminder. There is nothing to be ashamed about. The key is learning what your set offs are, and learning to deal with them in a way comfortable for you. Once you know these and learn how to turn them off, you can deal better with every day life.

For me, getting away from my support group was the best choice for me. At the time, I had no option, I was moving and would be too far away. But the longer I was gone, the better it became to not forget about my past, but to learn to move on without rehashing it every day. For me, hearing the new girls come in every week with their stories was simply too easy for me to stay in the past. It kept the wounds from healing, kept them too fresh in my mind. Other survivors I know of have stayed in the group for years, they need that extra to lean on. Again, this is a personal choice, something you need to decide which is better for you.

In finally letting myself move forward, and not reliving the bad times daily, I was able to move into a healthy relationship. I found myself in the beginning making the mistake of constantly looking for comparisons. For the behavior to start all over again. Its been over a year now, and I find myself doing that very rarely anymore. You have to learn how to go from walking on eggshells, to knowing its okay to not be perfect. This lesson takes longer than most, and its something you need to discuss with your significant other. They need to understand that its not them, and they need to understand why there are moments you have expectations from them, even if they have never shown abusive behavior.

Another thing you have to learn as you are moving forward in life, is to stop apologizing for every bad thing that happens. For most people this is easy, and it becomes frustrating for them when someone is constantly saying they are sorry. for abuse survivors, saying I'm sorry is as routine as using the bathroom. No matter what happens, if the waitress spills a drink, most survivors end up saying they are the ones sorry at some point in the conversation. You have to learn the difference between apologizing for something you've actually done, and not apologizing when it had nothing to do with you. I still have a hard time with this one, its a lesson in progress.

In the end, the key to moving forward in your life, in your choices, is learning what you need to change about yourself, for yourself. To learn what helps you, and what ends up doing you more harm than good. Remember, just as all domestic survivors are not the same, neither are the ways in dealing with it. There are no rules you must follow. Do what works for you, and go from there.