After Rape: Long Term Effects of Suppressing Difficult Emotions

My sexually healthy husband asks what me favorite thing about sex is. He is trying to help, because he is the only person I have ever told about my past. How can I tell him that the only part I like is when it's over?

He wouldn't understand, because sex to him is a pleasure. I am missing out on that joy because I was raped, and never talked about it. I kept it to myself. If I had told anyone about it, I would have had the chance to aknowledge my own true feelings about what had happened. Unfortunately, it had been my first time, so in the future, everytime I had sex... it was rape. I never knew the difference.

When you suppress an emotion, or a thought, it is natures way of telling you that it's 'too much.' It's not because you are weak, it is because it is too painful for anyone to carry. Unfortunately, when you suppress an emotion... it will return. Nothing can 'disappear'. It just hides for a while. If it is possible, it is better to 'deal with' something difficult as soon as possible. Here is why:

A buried emotion is in your subconscious mind. Subconscious in the way that it affects things you do and how you percieve things... without you being aware of it.

If you allow something, especially abuse, to remain in your subconscious for a long amount of time... then it affects other things that happen to you for a long amount of time. If you don't stand up and say "Hey I was raped" then it will happen to you again, and you won't know that anything is wrong.

So then what will happen when it can't hide anymore? Instead of having one painful memory, you will have many more to deal with. And if one thing is hard to handle... imagine having to deal with several all at once.

It is very hard to admit to yourself if you have been raped. We have a number of defense mechanisms that prevent us from facing it. On top of these defensive mechanisms (most commonly self blame or denial) there are other problems.

What if no one believes you? No true friend will ever consider you a liar for saying you were raped. It can be very difficult to talk to anyone, but it is very important to choose the right person to talk to. Talk to someone you trust, someone you feel close to and comfortable with. If possible, talk to someone who is not only supportive, but willing to help you figure out how you can recover.

In an 'after school special' world, you would see a friend diagnosing a friend as depressed and providing an anti-suicide 800 number, maybe even going behind your back and talking to the 'right authorities'. This should never be what happens in reality.

In reality, you should turn to a friend who will shut up and listen to every word you say. If you have a friend previously described, you may still need to tell them to just not say anything. This is important because if you are given free room to talk, then you will say more than you are consciously aware of.

In reality, this friend should be able to go with you to the mental health center and wait in the waiting room if that's what you need to do. If you don't have a friend that would do these things, if you can't think of one good friend that would be supportive, then go to your local mental health center and ditch all your friends. No good friend would call you a liar.

What if you don't want anyone to know? You can't carry that pain around to yourself! You can't keep it a secret! If you don't want to talk to your friends, than you have to go to the local mental health center and talk to someone there. It will be easy, they are trained proffessionals and they will help you. Even if you have friends to talk to... it is important to talk to someone who is proffessionally trained.

These are things you have to do, for your sake. You don't have to confront your abuser, you don't have to 'turn them in', you don't even have to name them. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

However, even if it does feel uncomfortable, you have to deal with your emotions. You can't suppress them!