Age Gap Relationships
What Do They See in Each Other?
When was the last time you saw a couple that you just assumed were father and daughter or one that you thought were son and mother? Well you may have been mistaken. These days, many don't see it as unusual at all to see a big age gap in a relationship and age gap relationships are getting more and more common.
It used to be that the average woman in her early 20s for example saw a man in his 30s, 40s, or even 50s as dull and unattractive. But these days, things have changed. Men are taking better care of themselves and some don't look as old as they are. It's no secret that women mature faster than men. Many women in their early 20s act as mature and responsible as most men do in their 30s.
I know that's quite a leap but we've all seen it. A woman in her early 20s may find it difficult to find a man in her age group that isn't still in the party stage. She may find herself more comfortable in a relationship with an older man who is established in home and career and the fact that there may be 15 years or more of an age difference becomes less and less important to them.
It goes both ways. There are indeed some young men who feel far more comfortable with an older woman. They have all sorts of reasons for being attracted to an older woman. Perhaps they aren't into bar hopping every weekend or they appreciate "home time" a bit more than most women their age. Some of them are superficial but many are very practical as well.
Take a look at the TV. Actor and actress Tom Cruise 42 and Katie Holmes 26 have found romance in a 16 year age gap. Actress Demi Moore 41 and actor Ashton Kutcher 25 have fallen in love with a 16 year age gap as well.
Now there's no question that many young women would be attracted to a 42 year old man who has the looks and charm of Tom Cruise and ask any young man if they think that Demi Moore is attractive. But it's not always looks that bring people like this together. Many of the same things that will attract close in age couples to each other attract couple with a significant age gap to one another.
The concerns that come with a relationship like this come in droves. Families may wish to interfere and often do. Perhaps a man in his 40s to 50s may have no interest in having any or any more children. He may not wish to be raising children into his 50s or 60s while a woman in her early 20s may wish someday to have children. Issues like this should be discussed in DETAIL before two people with a decent age gap get serious.
One thing to think of is the future. In a large age gap relationship, one person is going to age faster than the other one. It's nature and you can't avoid it. In a 20 year age gap for instance, as good as things are when she is 20 and he is 40, if they stay together, they won't be growing old together as much as HER growing older and HIM growing ELDERLY. These things need to be considered as well.
Many women may look TOTALLY different 20 years later than they do presently. Medical conditions common to women such as Osteoporosis and Menopause can cause appearance and mood changes that are NOT common with a woman 20 years younger. Can her younger man deal with that?
The bottom line I think is that regardless of our age, our feeling and the things that we appreciate in a mate never really change all that much. And those things aren't exclusive to people in our own age group. They can be found in people of just about ANY age in the adult relhm. And sure we can say and think of things like, "When the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded during takeoff in 1986, I was in 11th grade in high school and SHE was only 2 YEARS OLD!!"
But when it gets down to bare tacks, it's how our partner makes us feel and traits about our partner that makes us fond of them. There are REASONS why we love someone and those reasons are not conditional on age or anything else. An age gap relationship isn't for everyone but many couples are capable of making it work and many do.
Published by Karl Withakay
Karl is a full time 43 y/o Singer/guitarist/songwriter. He is also a self proclaimed computer geek. He builds, fixes and modifies computers. He is a US Navy, Gulf War Vet. and has worked as a CNA, a Parame... View profile
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54 Comments
Post a Commentim 21 and my bf is 34 we love each other .. the prblem is the people that surrounds us.. makes our relationship diff. they think i just want him bcos of money.. :(
I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 28. I don't think its such a big age gap as i've read in some comments here. We've been together for 2 years now, we met when i was 16 and he was 25. My parents don't know his real age but he looks much younger than 28. Well, men in their 20's and 30's are pretty young anyways. But I think all that really matters is love!
Karl, as always, thank you. Its hard when you feel you need answers to questions that are either unanswerable or you just dont know the answer to right now. To be perfectly honest, it seems the very sensible thing to do - we we maintain the relationship - is just not to have kids. (I also struggle with the question of whether it is 'fair' on the child to have it knowing that its time with one parent will be restricted). I just hope that when I hit my late 20s/30s, I feel the same way. (Its so hard to know!). Thanks for your guidance though - it really helps.
Hi AD, That's a tough one. At 24, I'm sure you'd like to wait until you're 26 or 27 to have children. If you became pregnant tomorrow, at 56, your husband would be in his 70s when your child is off to college. I'm 41 and my wife is 25. I love kids but I don't necessarily want to be raising children into my late 50s. That's just me though. But you're right, NOW would be the time if you want to have children with him. He might not feel the same way in 3-5 years. Good luck.
Hi Karl.. Last night my partner and I had the conversation of 'do we want kids'. He is now 56, and I am 24. When he was younger, he was a very competitive athlete, and said that the reason he didnt have children in his previous relationships was because he was busy doing other things, and it wouldnt have been the right time. Now, however, he said that - completely depending on how I feel - he would be very happy to have a child with me, and as it that point in his life when he feels he can commit the time/energy needed. He asked, though, whether I really was at that stage too? The answer is "I dont know". I have always imagined I would have children, and think that I ultimately really would like to - especially with him. However, my question is really this: I think some part of me thinks that "it is now or never" - because of his age. And right nwo, at 24, I wonder whether we would be rushing into this because we desperately want the numbers to add up. What are your thoughts?
Also,
Karl & Nena - ironically, you're both right. Karl, your words are realistic, open and honest. And Nena, you're words have given me hope & a sense of solace and comfort today. Needless to say, since the last time I wrote my post, I'm still in the relationship. I've tried a couple of times to leave. I've set a 'date', and told myself, "by September, I'll be out of this relationship".. but then September comes and goes, and I just cant bring myself to do it. Oh! Its such hell and heaven all at once.. Thanks for your words though. I think there are so many of us that find support and comfort in them.. In knowing there are others that also share our joy and pain.
I'm very much in love with a man who is 20years older than me. He's 52 and I'm 32. We have been together for 2 1/2 years. I also have struggled with every emotion posibble in the past. However we have both come to terms that we cannot live with out eachother. If you find your soulmate and are sure that's who you love go for it. I don't even entertain the thought of being without him. Whatever time I have with him is worth it because he is the one I love. Going against society's norms is always a challange, but who cares when you have truly found your SOULMATE..... Go for it... This kind of certainity only happens once in a lifetime.... Both men & women have fears about a big age gap, but one there is True love nothing should hold you back.. There's a grat movie that just came out it's called Elegy with Penelpe Cruz it's about a women dating a man 30yrs oldrer and they go through a roller coaster of emotions but you'll see that True love is something you can't deny, so just enjoy the ri
Hi Mandy. I know in my article I sound like someone who is putting down the younger generation. However, I understand completely where you're coming from. I'm 40 and my wife will be 25 in May. We have a 15 1/2 year age difference between us. We get funny looks from others, people think my mother in law is my wife when I'm with her, etc but you're right. When you're in love, you're in love. Good luck to you and yours.
I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 33. I have zero support from my friends or family. I agree it is a weird situation, my family has known this man for a long time, but we fell in love. There is no way to control such a strong emotion. It just breaks my heart that my parents stopped talking to me over this relationship. No one seems to understand the way I feel and that sometimes puts stress on our relationship. I do understand this is hard for people on the outside looking in on this relationship, but the way he makes me feel is indescribable.
It can be tough because I'm still in college and we have different friends, our families don't approve, and we are living in two different chapters of our lives, but we connect on a level that I've never felt before.
And yes, I'm young, but I just came out of a three year relationship and I know the difference between love and lust. This is definately love.
Honestly, we haven't been together that long, but if we are willing to go through all of thi
Hi A D,
My recomondation would be to get out of the relationship. I know it's easier said than done. People say "age is just a number" but you brought up some very valid points. I just turned 40 years old last month and my wife will be 25 in May. I fell in love with her when she was 21. I'm 15 1/2 years older than her. The other day I heard a song on the radio and was recalling when I saw that band in concert. It was May of 1986. I was in 11th grade in High School. My wife was 2 years old. If you had told me back then I'd eventually marry a woman 15 1/2 years younger than me, I wouldn't have believed you. We love each other dearly but I too worry that I'll die before she does and leave her widowed. In your case though, (unless there's an accident), as far as "natural causes", You man is very likely to die before you. You need to look at the big picture. Good luck A. D. Peace.