Air Biscuits, Sneezures and Technicolor Yodels

Seventeen years ago, I was sitting in the corner booth of Burger King, watching my girlfriend inhale the last corner of her Whopper. After less than a minute, she wadded up the mess in front of her, stuffed it into her empty soda cup and pitched it across the room into the trash. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, came a belch that echoed around the world. I looked at her with obvious disgust as she swiped the remnants of her burger across her sleeve.

"What?" she complained.

"What?" I asked. "Sometimes, you're absolutely disgusting."

""You know," she said. "In some countries, it's the ultimate compliment to the host to belch after a good meal."

Like many other countries, American customs dictate what's appropriate and what's not. Ever wonder why when an infant burps after their morning bottle it's cute? But, forty years later, the same guy belching after his third beer is disgusting? Why a case of unbridled hiccups can crack up the dinner table, but a well-placed fart can clear the room?

What would it be like if somewhere along the line, our customs for acceptable bodily functions were switched around? For instance, imagine you're seated at a fine restaurant, being introduced for the first time to your prospective in-laws. All of a sudden, the urge strikes and you peel off an air biscuit from underneath the table. Caught by surprise, everyone laughs and recites in unison, "God bless you!" Then, completely unplanned, you cut loose with another. "God bless you, again, dear," says your future mother in law. "I'm so sorry," you explain. "I always seem to fart in threes."

And imagine being jolted in the middle of the night because your wife starts snickering under the covers. You poke and prod her until finally she wakes up. "Roll over, would ya? You're laughing again." "I'm sorry," she giggles. "I guess I got that from my father. He always laughed in his sleep. It drove my mother crazy"

The next day, while sitting in your weekly sales meeting, without provocation, you yodel your breakfast across the conference room table in technicolor. Darpak, from the IT department, slaps you on the back with the palm of his hand. "Are you alright?" he asks. "Yeah, I guess my allergies are kicking up again." After chucking your cheerios for a few more minutes, the meeting finally gets back underway and you've inherited the lifetime nickname, "The Earl of Ralph."

Many of these customs date back far before you or I were even a twinkle in our mother's eye. These were times of less sophisticated science and customs. Behaviors were often deeply steeped in superstition and fear. For instance, people say "God bless you" when you sneeze because of the epidemics that devastated entire countries during the Middle Ages. Sneezing was usually the first sign that the victim was coming down with the bubonic plague. Friends and family would mutter, "God bless you," before sprinting for the safety of the nearest dungeon. Evidently, this custom still exists today; most of my friends bolt for the door whenever I pass a little gas in the elevator.

Each civilization has their own unique customs. In ancient Japan, public contests were held in small towns to see who could "break wind" the loudest and longest. Winners were awarded prizes and received great acclaim. In some parts of Java, couples had sex in the fields to promote crop growth. And in other cultures, the wedding cake was originally thrown at the bride and groom, instead of eaten by them.

At one time in India, a fiancé was required to deflower his future bride if she died before the wedding. The girl could not be cremated until this ritual was carried out in front of the village priest. And, in Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death. It's a good thing Starbucks waited a few hundred years before opening their first store.

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is still illegal. According to modern law, every citizen of Kentucky is required to take at least one bath a year. In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle. And finally, as hard as it is to believe, it's illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

So, short of having sex with a porcupine or throwing wedding cake at my guests, I don't see anything wrong with peeling off the occasional air biscuit at the table. After all, somewhere in the world, it's the most profound compliment I can offer my host!