Airline Humor

The Three Worst Things to Hear in a Cockpit:
1. OH Sh#t!
2. I have an Idea!
3. Hey, Watch this!

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Pilot is on Drugs:
1. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
2. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45-minute pause.
3. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
4. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia.
5. His copilot: Robert Downey Jr.
6. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
7. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
8. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
9. When you fly over International Date Line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
10. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers:
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

You Know It's a "No Frills" Airline When...
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

The UnOfficial Airline Dictionary : words and phrases commonly used by airline employees for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders.

Pre-Board:
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.

Voluntary Over Sale:
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jet way is coming off the flight.

No Record:
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

Sign:
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

Position Closed:
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."

Baggage Claim:
The most difficult area of the airport to find.

Carry On Bag:
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.

Flight Schedule:
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

On Time:
An obscure term, meaning unknown.

Fog:
A natural weather phenomenon, which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

Air Traffic Control:
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

Ticket Agent:
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves

Flight Crew Code Words:
Blue ice = frozen toilet water
Choppy Air = severe turbulence
Hockey Puck = tasteless deli sandwich
Jetbag = very senior flight attendant
New Arrival Time = late!
NFR = 'Nother 'Friggin Runner (passenger arriving late)
Refrigerator = carry-on piece too large for overhead bin
Restricted Visibility = a white out or bad fog
Self-loading cargo = passengers
Showers = severe thunderstorm
Slam Dunk = very hard landing
Slider = tasteless breakfest omelet

You're Staying at a Bad Motel, When...:
The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy has died.
The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow
The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.

....hope you enjoyed a little airline humor...see you on the next flight!