Airplane and Airport Conversation Starters? Don't Do It

My current job doesn't require any traveling, and I love it. Besides the .8-mile commute from my house to my office, I'm never "on the road" for business. But, in a previous job, I had to travel extensively. I worked for trade publications for about four years, and during that time, I was probably on the road for two of them.

The near-constant jet setting from trade show to meeting to conference was kind of fun and exciting at first. I got to go to fancy, trendy and historical cities, soaking in the sights and sounds while wining and dining important clients. I went to top restaurants, rarely stayed at a bad hotel and my company paid all the expenses.

At this point, some of you are probably thinking: "Oh, boo-hoo. Free travel and food. Sounds like a horrible existence." Granted, I can see the appeal of that lifestyle to someone stuck in the same dingy cubicle at a go-nowhere job. And, I appreciate the experiences I had. But, the non-stop travel quickly wore on me, and I soon grew to detest it.

I hated being away from my wife. I hated not sleeping in my own bed. I hated schmoozing and glad-handing. But most of all, I hated airports.

As anyone who has flown recently will tell you, airports are a nightmare. Lines are long. Security checks are tedious and horribly run. Airport food sucks. Flights are constantly delayed and changed, and they're overbooked, understaffed and fraught with headaches and hassles.

But, forget all that. What annoyed me most about traveling were other travelers. For now, let's look past travelers who are unorganized, under-prepared, loud, obnoxious, unclean, unkempt and those who lug huge bags onto planes as their "carry-ons." My biggest pet peeve is the talkers.

If I've been away from home for days, and I'm tired, weary and in the midst of air travel, the last thing I want to deal with is mind-numbing small talk with a stranger at the airport or - God forbid - on the plane. At least at the airport I can escape.

I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you do, or what you think about the weather or current events. Leave me alone. You don't know me; I don't know you. We're both coming and going. No lifelong bond will be born. We're not going to become pen pals.

Before you label me as a cad who is too good for a little human interaction, hear me out. I'm all for human kindness. I'm friendly to everyone I meet. I smile and say hello to people I pass. I'm gracious to anyone I interact with in the service industries.

All I'm saying is: Cut the B.S. I don't like small talk. No one likes small talk. And if you do, save it for the bartenders and waitresses. If you can't find something to do to pass the time at the airport or on a flight, don't look at me. Read a book, listen to music on an iPod, do a crossword puzzle, watch a movie on a portable DVD player, crochet, write, twiddle your thumbs, daydream, do anything. Hell, do drugs, pace back and forth and have a freak-out in your head. Whatever you do, stay away from me.

So, if you want some advice on how to strike up a conversation at the airport or on a plane, here it is: Don't do it. You're not at a bar or club. You're surrounded by people who are just trying to get to where they need to be. If you have to talk to someone, call someone who actually cares.