Airplane Bathroom Etiquette: A Courtesy Flush is Not Just for Wimps

Come close to me. No, closer. We need to talk about some personal issues that come up on my flights each week, and I don't want to embarrass or perhaps offend your delicate constitution. You people need to understand the hows and whys of using the airplane bathroom-and you need to know it now.

That's right, I said "you people". I'm sorry, once again, if I offend. I know most of you know just how to use the potty. Been doing it since you were two, all by yourselves, haven't you? But as in every group, there are those who need extra attention. You stay here, the rest of you can take your bags and just deplane now.

Lesson One: Do Not Leave Your Ticketed Cabin.
This seems cut and dried. We have always had some kind of barrier between classes (oops, I mean cabins-don't want to bring those caste system connotations into the equation, maybe ruffle the wrong feathers). Anywho. In the olden days, pre 9/11, we had lovely curtains that were obvious physical barriers. First class people had their one or two bathrooms for their own private use. Business class had a couple more for themselves. And as for Coach class, which now is not referred to as Coach class at all but the Main Cabin (as if you would believe that you indeed were the main event and the forward cabins mere afterthought...) Well there are bathrooms for you. All 200 of you. Just get in that single file line starting at about row two, turn towards the back of the aircraft, and wait. And wait. Patiently. Don't think about coming forward of the non-existent curtain bisecting the cabin. It is not for you, the delicately floral scented boudoir, with the heated seats, automatic flush, optional bidet. You must use the outhouse you have paid for.

Lesson Two: Learn How the Bathroom Works.
The Savvy Stewardess knows you are all intelligent, educated passengers. We don't mean it when we say that people check their brains with their baggage. We do understand the occasional lapse in judgement. . But here are some basic airplane bathroom rules for, say, your six year old that you have sent back alone to use the facilities.
There is always a way to flush the toilet. Stop and re read that one again. The airplane is not like your Dad's boat, or the place you went camping once. You may have to search and search for it (please do, we beg you). Sometimes it is hidden behind the very seat you have just squatted upon. Sometimes it is up by the sink. Sometimes it is a round button, and sometimes it is a handle. Almost always it will say "flush" on it. Push it, pull it, try it. We insist.
Then make a good show of washing up. If there is no soap in there come on out and tell us. If you don't, and you leave the bathroom and the next guy goes in and immediately comes out to report said lack of soap-well you are busted. We'll look for you and watch where you sit down. Then we know you are the icky e-coli guy who we won't let hand us anything without our plastic gloves on.

Lesson Three: You're Not Finished with Lesson Two.
We understand when you accidentally ring the call button in the toilet, instead of flushing. It is an easy mistake. If you do, and hear the unmistakable "ding" sound instead of a Whoosh, don't be surprised to hear a little knock on the door. Just me, sir or ma'am. Praying to the gods it was a mistake, an accidental non-flush. There are plenty of emergencies on the airplane that are unpleasant..not too many I can think of that are worse than one that takes place in the bathroom. But if it is truly an emergency, and you need me, I'll be there for you. Ring that emergency button.. An amber light will come on outside your door which indicates distress..and the cavalry will come to the rescue with strong stomachs and fear in their hearts.

Lesson Four: Be a good neighbor.
Once again, we are not talking to you intelligent adults. This is one for you to teach your six year old. When you use the bathroom, try to leave it the way you entered it. If you drop a piece of toilet paper on the floor, pick it up. We know it is a tight squeeze but consider, far more athletic things have been rumored to take place in airplane blue rooms besides your mere bending over to pick up paper.
If you brush your teeth in there (no we usually don't have toothpaste for you, thanks for asking) please clean the gunk out of the sink. Just let the water run a bit, and hold open the drain. It takes an extra minute or two but the guy after you will appreciate it. Some of the ick I have seen in bathroom sinks would turn you off your gourmet snack box in a second.
Do a final check not just of yourself but of the bathroom. If it passes visual inspection (pee pee on the seat is a no-no) then you are ready for ..

Lesson Five: The Courtesy Flush.
Seems like a no brainer, doesn't it? Yet just last week we flight attendants were assaulted with an image that was imprinted maybe for life, as some inconsiderate passenger left us a present in the potty. Savvy Stewardess re-flushed and ran out like a demon was chasing her. A more hearty co-worker entered, did some reconnaissance work and found that it was necessary to flush down an entire pot of hot coffee to whoosh away the offensive eye-sore. You personally, well you can rinse some water from the bathroom sink down the toilet and just flush to your heart's content. It may take you a moment longer, but the guy behind you will appreciate it as much as we do. And don't think that oh gee, now they'll know what I've been doing in there. There's no Glade air freshener in those bathrooms (well in First Class there are automatic dispensers that shoot out Chanel No.5 or Armani cologne-but that's neither here nor there for us intrepid warriors in the Main cabin) and everyone knows what ya been doing in there.

Lesson Six: Look Down.
You have been the portrait of perfection. The courteous, distinguished passenger we know should have been upgraded before take-off, and who we will treat like royalty in spite of your unfortunate seating arrangement. You walk out of the bathroom, wafting a soft soapy scent-pants zipped and/or makeup reapplied..perhaps a delicate mist of light cologne in your wake. We inwardly applaud you. Then as you make your way daintily down the aisle, there it is. The trail of toilet paper, stuck to your shoe, unfurling like a banner.
Now I am the girl who you want to be flying with. I will tell you immediately-even put my own foot down on the paper so you can continue your march and leave the mess to me. I'm cool like that. I know some others though who will just snicker and giggle behind your back. And passengers who are nearby are either waiting for that bathroom and couldn't care less about you, or are hanging out in back trying to get water or flirt with us. They aren't helping out either.

Well there, that's about it. A lesson that, once learned, will serve you for miles and miles. Take it with you, pass it around. I bet you'll do just fine. Me, I will only hear about most of it second hand. The Savvy Stewardess doesn't use the coach bathroom. I will walk a mile up front to set my delicate arse down in First Class, as is my right. But remember I'm back there in spirit, feeling your pain and your triumph.