Airport Insecurity

You don't need me to tell you this, but these are tough, dangerous times. There are people trying to kill us, people daring to disregard things we own, people willing to steal things we need.

And that's just at the Wal-Mart pre-Christmas sale.

For some real danger, insults and insanity, try flying! It's gotten completely nuts. From the time you leave your house, the whole experience has become a gauntlet. It seems like the goal of everyone you meet is to hurt or rob you, charge or fine you, molest or arrest you.

I was invited to appear at a book signing, in a city about 300 miles away. And because I'm an idiot, I accepted the offer. It wasn't the cost of the flight, mind you: the host agreed to treat for that. What makes me an idiot was thinking I had any chance of selling my little monkey book amid the avalanche of authors releasing new books to bookstores, often by the hour. Stephen King, for example: I'm convinced that the man can be handed a royalty check for his latest bestseller, hop in the car, and then write another book on the way to the bank.

LITERATURE UPDATE: George W. Bush's new book, "Decisions I Made And Some I Probably Should've Made But Didn't," sold 750,000 copies in its first week. My last book sold about eight. Maybe I need to rethink my protagonist.

Anyway, due to new TSA security procedures, I had to check in at the airport five months before my flight. So I packed a bag and my copy of Glenn Beck's new book, "How Touching Anything Can Kill You," and hit the highway.

Even the drive to the airport subjected me to serious risk. Freeway traffic got stalled when one of the new "Dolt" sub-compacts from General Tso Motors ran out of electricity. A bit farther along, a committee of IRS agents putting up yet another "This Is Yet Another Shovel-Ready Project Road Sign" road signs stripped a screw and the sign collapsed onto the shoulder, seriously injuring three hitch-hiking, out-of-work non-union laborers.

LITERATURE UPDATE: George W. Bush's new book, "I Didn't Kill Anybody's Wife, But If I Had, Here's How I Would Have Done It," sold 750 million copies in its first week. Celebrity attorney Gloria Allred took out a full-page ad in the L.A. Times, offering to file civil charges on behalf of anybody named "Anybody."

Due to new TSA security procedures, I was not allowed to leave my car idling at the curb outside the airline's check-in, but I did have the opportunity to donate my pocket change to a vacuous smiling woman wearing sandals, a pastel robe, and tapping a tambourine. As I drove off, the grinning panhandler was approaching an oddly-familiar fellow, unshaven and sporting a Super Bowl ring.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE: Following an airport security pat-down, superstar quarterback Brett Favre has allegedly sent "unsolicited" photos of himself to a young, undercover TSA agent named "Bambi," who was involved in the frisking.

Since new TSA security procedures required me to be at the airport several months prior to actually getting on the plane, I drove the half-mile out to long-term parking. But it had been temporarily closed by airport security after an engine fell off a passing Qantas jet and cratered the parking lot, seriously injuring three hitch-hiking, out-of-work small business owners.

LITERATURE UPDATE: George W. Bush's new book, "I Didn't Drive the Economy Into A Ditch, But If I Had, Here's How I Would Have Done It," has just screamed up the best-seller list, leaping past Sarah Palin's new book, "How To Field-Dress A Liberal." In an obvious snub, Oprah announced plans to interview Joe Biden about his new book, "Tourette's Is A Great Big *** Deal."

On the walk back to the airport, I nearly got run over by two UPS couriers who flew past me, hurrying to re-stock the airport gift shop with fresh copies of six new books that Glenn Beck had written since breakfast. Oddly enough, the couriers blew right past airport security.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE: An overseas traveler has tried to blow up Detroit by sneaking onto a plane with an inkjet printer hidden in his underwear, causing Homeland Security to institute new security procedures that outlaw hiding inkjet printers in ones underwear. Superstar quarterback Brett Favre has allegedly sent "unsolicited" photos of himself to the printer's toner cartridge. At a press conference, Joe Biden made the comment that blowing up Detroit would be redundant.

In the airport, I walked past the "Designated Smoking Area," a foul-looking, stale-smelling squared hole in the wall accessible, not by a standard door, but by parting a pair of those large, unwieldy flaps of industrial-weight plastic, the kind you see bolted above the entrance of restaurant meat freezers, or high-radiation-level weaponry labs.

LITERATURE UPDATE: George W. Bush's new book, "I Didn't Launch A Missile Attack On California From A Clandestine Nuclear Silo On Catalina Island, But If I Had, Here's How I Would Have Done It," has been translated into Mandarin, and Quentin Tarantino has picked up the movie option.

Since I had some time to kill, I thought I'd get something to eat at the airport diner, but instead I got detained and questioned for writing a potentially threatening phrase like "some time to kill" in a humor column about airport security.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE: Members of Congress called for hearings, challenging Homeland Security for not doing enough to protect members of Congress who often had to fly to various Caribbean Islands on illegal, taxpayer-funded junkets. The agency responded by instituting new security procedures that outlaw underwear, and shoes. Championing the new security procedures, Brett Favre agreed to volunteer as a TSA agent, calling it his patriotic duty.

Back at the airport, I finally managed to shake off Agent Favre and I purchased a tuna fish sandwich. For twenty-eight dollars. Oh, yeah. That's fair. That's about right. Sheesh. I didn't want to marry the sandwich; I just wanted to stare at it for a few minutes.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE: HomeSec Secretary Janet Napolitano has come under fire for the agency's new and extremely unpopular "layered security" measures at the nation's airports (measures which include the controversial and invasive full-body pat-downs) after a review of the new security procedures uncovered this directive:

"Afterwards, you should offer the passenger a cigarette."

LITERATURE UPDATE: George W. Bush's new book, "I Didn't Co-Opt a Printer From A Child Labor Sweatshop In Yemen, Pack It With Explosives, And Shove It In My Underwear, But If I Had, Here's How I Would Have Done It," sold 750 million copies before he wrote it. However, due to new TSA security procedures, he was not allowed to use a printer to print the book. A well-known Washington state software magnate released a digital version of the book, and was then arrested for illegally bundling eReader software with its operating system.

By then, I'd had enough. Forget the book signing, forget the flight, forget the tuna fish sandwich that requires a co-signer. I grabbed my bag and my book and headed for the escalator. Enough.

Unfortunately, due to new TSA security procedures, once you've begun the TSA security process, you can't leave. I'm dead serious: I am not good enough to make this stuff up. Once you've entered the TSA's august zone of authority, you may not leave the airport without submitting to a TSA security interview.

In a blast of bureaucratic genius, they have decided that they're gonna profile people who are leaving the airport.

Fortunately, though, I managed to create a diversion and escape. Grabbing an inkjet printer from my left sock (security oversight!), I made an "unsolicited" photo of my tuna fish sandwich and threw it at Brett Favre. This distracted the superstar TSA agent, allowing me to hit him with one of Glenn Beck's new books, "You're All Dead: They Just Haven't Told You Yet," and then I stunt-rolled out the airport's automatic doors to freedom.

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE: A couple of weeks ago, I ordered an airline ticket online. Three days later, at about 7pm, a TSA security guard wearing cocktail attire and carrying a bouquet of flowers showed up at my house, flashed a badge, and subjected me to a full-body pat-down.

Oddly, her name was "Bambi," too.

I couldn't complain, now could I? Because if I complain, then the terrorists win.