Alaska: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

When John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, the first question you probably asked was...

What the f*ck is he doing?

Your next question was likely...

What is this Alaska place and where did it come from?

I have to admit that I was a bit dumbfounded when I discovered that Alaska is part of the United States. And not like Guam or Puerto Rico or Utah either--Alaska is an actual state!

"Holy crap!" I exclaimed. "I gotta find out more about this place." So I did what I always do when I want to learn about junk I don't know anything about, I checked the Internet. Below are answers to some of the most commonly asked questions about the home of Sarah Palin.

Caution: Some of the facts in this article may be completely inaccurate.

How did we get Alaska?

On March 30, 1867, the United States won Alaska in a poker game with Russia. The original plan was to move Alaska and attach it to the continental United States somewhere near southern California for the express purpose of defrosting its inhabitants. However, it was soon discovered that such a project would be far too costly. Unfortunately, we didn't have enough illegal immigrants here in America who would be willing to take on such a task for less than minimum wage, which at that time was 1 ½ beans. So President Andrew Johnson signed the famous How About We JustLeave Alaska Where It Is? Act of 1868.

Where is it?

Alaska is attached to the far northwestern part of Canada--a part so cold and desolate even Canadians are smart enough to stay away from it. It is also within farting distance of the extreme northeastern part of Russia--a part so cold and desolate even Russians are smart enough to stay away from it.

What does it look like?

Due to its remote location, and the fact that no one had yet thought of building a bridge to nowhere, Alaska sat unoccupied for nearly a century. The only idea most Americans had of what Alaska looked like was based on "artist's conception" paintings, most of which were nothing more than blank, white canvasses. In modern times, we are fortunate enough to have photographs of Alaska, most of which are nothing more than blank, white pictures.

Do people really live there?

Yes, apparently a few hundred hearty souls call Alaska home. It is the least densely populated state, but proudly boasts the densest population in America. In fact you would have to be a complete idiot to want to live in a state with the motto: "Alaska: The Land Canada Didn't Want."

What is the gender breakdown?

The gender breakdown of Alaska is roughly 100 rugged, smelly, bearded, flannel-clad men for every rugged, smelly, bearded, flannel-clad woman.

What is the racial breakdown?

Alaska is known for its widely diverse population. The racial breakdown is as follows:

White: 90%

Eskimo: 9.9%

Black: Jamal and Shaniqua Washington

Hispanic: Not so much.

Is there a Democratic Party in Alaska?

No, there are only Republicans in the state. This would seem to support recent scientific findings that there are no signs of intelligent life-forms in Alaska.

What is the climate like?

Since there are no thermometers that can accurately measure the temperature in Alaska, we can only rely on an old Aleutian saying to give us an idea of what the climate is like. It goes like this: "The average high temperature in Alaska is slightly warmer than the top of a bald Eskimo's head and the average low temperature is slightly colder than the bottom of an elderly Eskimo midget's scrotum."

Does the sun shine in Alaska?

Unlike inhabitable areas of the world, Alaska is subject to constant sunlight in the summer. During this period the murder rate increases 42% due to sleep-deprived residents with short fuses and lots of firearms. Alaska is also home to constant darkness in the winter, when the suicide rate increases nearly 60% due to hopelessly depressed residents with frozen testicles and lots of firearms.

When did we make this lovely piece of property a state?

Alaska gained statehood on January 3, 1959. In his State of the Union address later that month, President Eisenhower welcomed the new state with these amazingly prophetic words:

I believe that in future years, it will be very beneficial to our great nation to have an Alaskan--perhaps even a gun-toting, lipstick wearing hockey mom--play a major role in our government...say, vice-president for instance. Her understanding of foreign affairs would certainly be far stronger than that of any other candidate because Alaska is within farting distance of Russia. Plus, we would be able to keep a close eye on those goddamn Canadians. Yes, this candidate may seem a bit clueless about such things as the Bush Doctrine, but she shouldn't have to answer difficult questions about that crap anyway. I mean what are you, a bunch of sexists? Leave this poor woman alone!