Alaska's Fault: Bush's Fault?

Seward's Folly. The Exxon Valdez. Drilling in Anwar. Mt. Redoubt. The Talkeetna earthquake. Obscure Frank Zappa references to "Nanook" and "yellow snow." Jack London vs. capitalists. Sarah Palin vs. everybody. Alaska just can't get a break.

According to my exhaustive research, during a recent Cartoon Network commercial break, Alaska has major seismic issues, as if the entire land mass had eaten too much Mexican food. Alaska sits along the same neurotic fault line that threatens to suddenly shrug one day, instantly transforming the weirder half of California into an off-shore theme park.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. California could use the additional revenue. When the state balanced its checkbook last month, the news was sobering: if California had ten bucks, and 40 billion dollars, it would have ten bucks. So a new theme park or housing development could bump up their tourism industry. Maybe they'll call it Avalon: Phase II.

Here's the difference: a 5.6 earthquake recently rumbled near the Alaskan town of Talkeetna. (literal translation: "Honey, are we out of Keetna?").

In California, such a massive shift could have caused buildings to collapse, highways to buckle, a slight uptick in the normal level of street violence, and Nancy Pelosi to blame George Bush for under-regulated plate tectonics. (literal translation: "Honey, are we out of tonic?")

In Alaska, a moose tripped.

Alaska is cool.

Now don't get me wrong. California has some really cool stuff, too, like air you can see. Residential properties that, based on purchase price, must be molded from solid gold. Freeway traffic modeled on some anti-social arcade game. Mobile mudslides. Wind-spread wildfires. Feral coyotes that can pick a lock. The looming threat of another "Die Hard" sequel. And their Governor is a robot from the future.

You may think I'm a cynic. You're right. You may think I'm making cynical remarks. Right again. Cynical people often do. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But Alaska, on the other hand, has nice, clean, invigorating, occasionally frozen air. Air that some people would call "pristine." (literal translation: "Honey, do I have sexual orientation issues?")

However, Alaska does have its problems. According to several noted geologists with uncombed hair, Mt. Redoubt may erupt at any moment, with the equivalent destructive force of several hundred nuclear bombs, or a Seattle grunge concert. The result could be devastating, blotting out the sun over an area the size of Barney Frank.

By the way, Talkeetna hosts the annual Moose Dropping Festival. I'll spare you the details, but the festival involves contestants throwing varnished, numbered ... things ... out of a helicopter. Most staggering, perhaps, is that this goes on for two whole days.

So it's no surprise that we're subjected to a spate of TV commercials promoting Alaskan tourism, enticing us to visit our non-continental, northernmost state. But between earthquakes, volcanoes, the weather, late-night comedians, and the high cost of Talkeetna dry-cleaning, it must be tough on the Midnight Sun marketing team.

Alaska Department of Tourism: Rejected Slogans

* Alaska: Our 49th state. And if Mt. Redoubt blows, our 51st, too.

* Alaska: Come on up before we melt on down!

* Pristine in all 4 seasons: Early Winter, Winter, Insane Winter, and Late Winter

* Alaska. Bigger than Texas; Higher Than Colorado; Whiter than Connecticut

* What happens in Alaska, stays in Alaska, 'cause it's frozen solid

* Alaskan Volcanoes: Proudly Serving as Siberia's Nightlight

* Ski Beautiful Pompeii North!

* Alaska: And you thought Maine was cold

* Visit Mt. Redoubt: All the fun of Mt. St. Helen's, plus frostbite

* Alaska: The majestic moose, the polar bear, and a bunch of crispy people

* Ask about our Armageddon Family Plan!

* Alaska: Dude, it's, like, Krakatoa, with, like, sleds and stuff

* Alaska: Soon, we're gonna pave the other road!

* Like her or not, at least our Governor's not in Argentina

* Alaska. Come as you are. And then die.

We'll keep an eye on events in Alaska for you. And we'll update you, should California get destroyed by muddy, moose-eating, golden robot coyotes from the future.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.