Alcohol the Beginning Part 3

Warm flames greeted my shivering body as I stepped onto the soft sand where a group of kids joined to feed a growing bon-fire. Everything felt so much more alive and renewed, and I was anxious to become the new person that was emerging. Even the discovery of Julie sitting with friends on a nearby log; could not arouse a change in my steadied nerve. Eager to test alcohol's fortitude, I walked confidently over to her, while still clutching tightly to that empty beer can.

"Hi Julie", I said, while keeping a big smile across my face," do you mind if I sit down"?
"Not at all", she answered sliding over to make room," Would you like to share our wine? It's Strawberry Ripple, this is our second bottle".

She could have offered me anything at that moment and I could not have refused. Her wonderful glowing face was drawing me into a dream that had her in complete control over my emotions. Alcohol gave me this opportunity with Julie, so accepting her offer to share the wine was an easy decision. Beside, after taking down that first big swallow, I found that it was a huge improvement over that bitter tasting stuff I had drunk on my way to the beach.

Drawn more and more into Julie, the party going on around us became increasingly distant and insignificant. I felt overwhelmed by an experience that only recently seemed impossible, yet there I was, living out my fantasy. Even the large amount of wine, slipping past my lips, disappeared unnoticed. Locked together in a mutual attraction for each other, nothing else existed.

The next thing I remembered was Julie and her best friend rolling around with me in the sand, each of us lost in the spirit of the moment. How or why her friend got involved did not matter, I had Julie in my arms and excitement in my heart. Never had I felt so alive and happy, this experience was beyond all my expectations.

"Looks like you two found each other; I brought over another cold one for ya".
It was Gary, and he was holding out a can of beer for me.
"I'll drink to that"! the words tripping clumsily from my lips," but I think your going to have to bring it down here, I'm kind of busy at the moment".

I looked behind Gary and could see that a small crowd had gathered around us, all showing interest in what was happening below in the sand. A fantastic sense of acceptance and belonging came over me. It was as though my old personality vanished, and all these new friends were around to celebrate the new me. How could I have not done this before, I wandered as I took the beer from Gary's' outstretched hand, and what was I so afraid of?

It had all come so easily, and as I unsteadily rose to my feet, I proudly raised the can in a toast to my fantastic evening. So began my downfall into submission through a misplaced sense of loyalty to alcohol. As time progressed, more and more of the truth behind alcohol's influence would become apparent, and I was to discover the true hatred it hid within its deceptions. However, as for now, with Julie in my arms, and a can of beer to keep the dream alive, alcohol appeared to be my best friend.

With the cunning mind of a devil, this waiting parasite was to lure me with its pleasures, distract me through its strength, and while I was unaware, take a firm grip over my soul. Much time would pass before I was to realize the curse of alcohol. Therefore, as time gave it substance, and deception laid its path, alcohol could easily gain access into the deep chambers of my mind.

The rest of that evening passed by without me remembering much about it. All that beer and wine had taken its toll on my thinking process, leaving me disorientated and confused. I did not know how much time had passed since I was with Julie, nor did I know why we were no longer together. The realization that I was back in Gary's car and speeding down the road towards home came as a shock to me. Bits and pieces of a drunken mist blew through my thoughts as I sat slumped low in the passenger seat. The rush of movement as we traveled up and down the roads churned my stomach like being on a giant roller coaster. My head was feeling both dizzy and thrilled, either way it did feel somewhat exhilarated.

Gary did not waste any time in pulling away from the curb, leaving me standing somewhat unbalanced outside the apartment. I wandered what time it was, and looked down to focus on the hands of my watch.
"Ohhh shit", I mumbled, realizing that it was one thirty in the morning," she is going to kill me!"

It was a short distance to our front door, and as I began the walk, my feelings of apprehension changed to a defined sense of power. Only seconds ago, I was so worried about the time and my drunken condition, but suddenly, it did not matter anymore. In fact, I almost looked forward to a confrontation from either of my parents because I was feeling invincible.

Satisfied with this pleasurable state of mind, I unlocked our door, but found that it held fast by a chain attached on the other side. I pushed hard against it a couple of times before my Dad's face appeared through the small opening.

"Don't make so much noise", he whispered; while removing the chain," Just get to bed before you wake her up. I had to listen to her shit all night; she's only just gone to sleep"

Without speaking a word, I silently crept past his makeshift bed on the couch, and collapsed willingly atop my soft cool pillow. It was hard not to sympathize with what Dad had to put up with, but right now, I was having some problems of my own.

There was a party still going on inside my head, and I could hear the music, while waves of movement traveled throughout my body. Moments later, the bed itself decided to join in, taking me on a similar ride that I thought I left behind in Gary's car. It did not take long before the whole room was spinning wildly, making me feel dizzy and sick. What the hell is going on here? I thought.

When uncontrollable amounts of saliva began to fill my mouth, I jumped out of the bed and rushed head first from my room towards the toilet. The sound of me wrenching up the contents of my stomach brought both parents to the doorway, while I knelt exhausted with my head inside the bowl. Twisted up in pain, I was not concerned over who was watching. All I wanted to do was finish and get back into bed.

Dad was the first to react. Pushing past Mom, he bent down and wiped my soiled face with his hanky.
"Just look at that pathetic asshole", Mom's voice showing unmistakable signs of disgust, "And your just as bad, cleaning him up after what he did to you!"

"He is still my son!" Dad shouted back in defiance," No matter what he does, he will always be my son!"

As he helped me to my feet and guided me back to bed, I wandered what was more painful at that moment. Was it the nauseous feeling in my body, or the pain of guilt, which tore at me from the heart? It was to be a long, lonely time of reflection to come after that unexpected reaction of my Father. Laying there awake, for what seemed like hours, I came to the realization that he really did love me. Tears welled up in my eyes because I knew he had forgiven me, and I thanked God before I fell asleep.

As I grew older, the relationship between my Father and me developed into something amicable, bringing us closer then we had ever been. We were drawing strength and support from each other, forming a bond of reliability that we enjoyed and depended on. Home life was a little more bearable with Dad in my corner, but now I also had the strongest alliance of all, Alcohol.

Drinking became fun and exciting, opening previously closed doors to friendships that I never thought possible. I was breaking the chains to a personality that I hated. Why should I walk through life as a shy follower when a few drinks could easily transport me into a reality of my own fantasies? My obsession with these addictive feelings of power produced an ongoing challenge that I felt towards the rest of the world.

This revolt against submissive behavior had to start by completely crushing the domination of my whisky drinking Mother. I felt that if I could conquer all of her sadistic challenges, then the rest of the world's population would be easy to overcome. With that goal in mind, I began to show a blatant disregard towards every rule she laid down, projecting my defiance and honing my skills at psychological manipulation.

Meanwhile, my new triangle of friends were becoming a much more prominent part of a changing and developing lifestyle. We spent a lot of time together listening to music, drinking, smoking, or just hanging out. I blended in perfectly now, and even grew my hair long to reflect an ever increasing rebellious nature, and of course, to further annoy my Mother. Everything about me was heading in a much different and careless direction. This group was where I belonged, and I knew that I had finally found the place where I was accepted.

Warm evenings found us roaming aimlessly throughout the streets of our neighborhood. It was of little consequence where we went or what we were doing as long as we stayed together. Friday nights, however, were always set aside for drinking down at the lakefront. Of all the things we did, these evenings were the most satisfying to me. Unlike my first visit to the bonfire, I now viewed beer as a good friend, and felt grateful for the wonderful sense of euphoria it gave me. Even the taste seemed to improve dramatically, and I laughed many times when I recalled my reaction to that very first swallow.

The lakefront was more then a playground to me, it was like an oasis far from my parent's world, a place where I could fully experiment with my new image. Personal failure was an impossible concept amongst the beauty of those natural surroundings. It was hard to imagine anything but good times when Fridays came along.

Alcohol was flowing freely through all of us while we enjoyed those moments of our youth. There on that beach, between the security of Lake Michigan on one side, and a vast wooded area on the other, we were secluded and partied without fear or insecurity. However, like most things in life, even this kind of magic was to end. Winter had arrived in Wisconsin, bringing with it the cold snowy weather that always finished most outdoor activities. Even my small group of friends could not hold together in the face of such freezing temperatures, and scattered in separate lonely directions. I myself ended up spending far too much time just sitting in my bedroom listening to music. This remoteness and lack of stimulation became unbearable, so once again, I hit the streets.

It was mid November, and weeks had gone by without as much as one swallow of beer passing my lips. I am sure that I could have drunk if I really wanted to, but it was not alcohol I craved, but the friends it drew into our inner circle. Accustomed to drinking with my group, I never saw much point in getting high alone.

There was a certain amount of contentment in wandering the streets at night, but the cold winds were quickly blowing away that pleasure. In an attempt to solve this problem, I decided to go over to a nearby shopping mall where I could be both warm and away from the hassles of being at home.

Memories of the recent summer filled my thoughts as I walked past the many storefronts in this heated building. Those were such good times where beer and friends could push my problems off to the side, and being alone was not very likely. I missed the company of the girls in our group most of all, but drinking with the others is what gave me those opportunities in the first place. It all went hand in hand, and I knew none of that excitement would have been possible without alcohol.

I was just walking through the mall in a kind of daydream, when a familiar voice shouted to me from one of the open-faced restaurants. It was Tommy. He was the first person that befriended me at school before I joined my new group. Happy to see him again, I turned and walked over to the table were he and a few others were sitting.

Unlike the kids that I hung around with down at the lakefront, Tommy and his friends were a much more subdued and less rowdy bunch. These people kept themselves to themselves, hardly ever showing up at any of the Friday night bonfires that I found so exciting. Their idea of fun was different then mine, besides, I preferred being a part of a much more prestigious and high profile group.

Something strange and uncomfortable began to happen to me as I neared their table. For no reason at all, a very familiar feeling of anxiety crept into my head, and I was suddenly very nervous. This was an embarrassment that I thought I had rid myself of during the summer, but those body twitches were telling me a different story. I hated this intense shyness with contempt, it always got in the way of everything I wanted to do. I hid my feelings as best as I could, and kept both hands in my coat pockets before stopping to say hello.

"Where are all the others"? Tommy asked with a smile, "I thought you guys never went anywhere alone".

It was that last, word which struck me with a sense of vulnerability, but I still found the steadiness to explain our situation with the cold weather. Similarly, the winter was causing them problems too, but they stayed together by using the warm mall as a hangout.

Tommy went on and told me of a video games room that was located at the far end of the mall where he and the others spent a lot of time in. Next, he introduced me to the others at the table, and he did so as though he had known them all his life. He expressed a feeling of pride in the fact that he knew me. I felt sure it was because of my position with such a well-known group at school, and not a personal admiration of me.Whatever the reason, his respect began to calm my nerves and I soon relaxed into the act of a well-practiced façade.

Alcohol had taught me the benefits of giving a good performance and projecting myself from a position of strength. However, without a beer in my hand to ignite the transformation, I found it very difficult to fulfill the role, but this was a situation where the need to show confidence far out-weighed any obsticals.