Alcoholism and Me: Recovering is Not Easy

When I wrote "Alcoholics and Me", I thought I had written it well. That I wouldn't offend anyone. Boy, was I wrong! I really upset my mother-in-law. I didn't mean to, but I did. She will not speak to me and doesn't want to see me now. She feels that I've told the world all about her, that I betrayed her. That surely was not my intent. I had been very proud of her and her recovery. Unfortunately, her recovery isn't going as well as we thought.

She's started to drink again. Why? Is it what I did? I don't think so. I feel that she is just not capable with dealing with some of the decisions she's made throughout life. I do believe that since her mother was an alcoholic, that genetically she's at a higher risk. I know that having a daughter in prison has been a great strain on her all of these years. But my husband and his brother have been wonderful throughout the entire ordeal. They are champions as sons. I honestly can say that her drinking should have nothing to do with them. The boys haven't always gotten along and we all have our rough times, but isn't that what makes us a family? Most families don't always get along perfectly. So why is she drinking again? Who do we turn to for help? Do we just leave her alone to sort it out herself?

When asked why she drinks, she will tell you that she's worried about money. A lot of us have that worry. How will we pay the bills? What if something unexpected happens? How will we pay for it? Well, I can honestly say, she shouldn't worry. My father-in-law is almost 70 years old and he still works. Maybe that's part of the problem. He travels for his work. Right now, he's out of town working. I don't even know if he knows she's drinking again. Do we call and tell him to come home? No, I think that this time he should continue to work. Because if she is drinking because of money, then he needs to keep making it. If he keeps working and making money, she should stop worrying and stop drinking. But, will that solve the problem? Probably not.

Do we find someone to help? Again, I think that there is not anyone out there that can help her. In my original article, I spoke of all the alternatives. The medicines, therapy, natural products, etc. That was something else she was angry at me about. She said there is not a cure. I realize that there isn't a cure for being an alcoholic. But my original intent was to help set people in the right direction. A place to go to get the emotional and physical support they need. Even though my mother-in-law went to a rehab center, she claims it's not the answer. According to her, this is a disease. Something that cannot be helped. Something that no matter how hard she tries, she will not recover. I find that attitude to be very sad and disheartening. Before my article was published, she was so up on AA and rehab and finding help in other alcoholics. Now it's as if she's a different person. The other face has come out to deny it all. The bottle has once again become her best friend and she's pushing everyone that loves her away.

Calling alcoholism a disease is not something I'm really comfortable with. To me, a disease is cancer, Lou Gehrig's disease, MS, Diabetes, Parkinson's, and all of those really horrible things that we truly have no cure for. A disease is something that will eventually kill you because it cannot be stopped. Her drinking can be stopped when she wants it to stop. She can get treatments to help her, she just refuses them. I find it very insulting when she calls her drinking a disease. The entire family has done everything we can to help her and she won't accept the help. She turns her back on us. I had to stand by and watch my dad die from a truly incurable disease: Lou Gehrig's. I had to watch as my grandfather's body was tormented with cancer. Yet watch again as my grandmother died from Diabetes and my grandfather whither away from Parkinson's. So, to call alcoholism a disease and to use it as an excuse to not accept help, is just something I cannot comprehend. I'm probably appearing as cruel right now. Maybe I am. But to me, she has chosen this path for herself.

In "Alcoholics and Me" I wrote of my alcoholic grandfather. Of course, if I hadn't been told he was an alcoholic, I never would have known. Maybe it is unfair to make the comparison, but I will anyway. When I think about why my mother-in-law drinks and why my grandfather drank, I find that my grandfather had a much better excuse. You see, he served in World War II. He was on the beaches of Normandy and fought in some of the worst battles of the war. He would never speak of it because he couldn't stand the pain. He stood by and watched friends get blown apart. He had to pull the trigger in order to survive. Speak to any WWII Vet and they'll tell you how horrible it was. No matter where they fought. Any Vet for that matter, will give you details of a battle you cannot even begin to picture in your mind. Even movies cannot give us the experience of actually being in the middle of a war. My grandfather turned to drinking to numb that pain. His anger came out with the drinking. His frustrations at being caught in the middle of something he didn't want to be a part of were a reason to drink. But, he never said the war was an excuse. I'm giving it to him as one. He eventually found strength in my grandmother and God. He was finally able to overcome the trauma of the war and put down the bottle. If it is a disease, he found the cure. He never drank again once he found his strength. I feel that if he could do it, then my mother-in-law should be able to. She has never had to suffer through a battle and hope that she survives. She's never lost friends like he did. Her problems are small compared to his.

So as she sits and finds comfort in the bottle, I make my mind up that her drinking is not a result of my article. It is a result of her choice. She has chosen to drink. She has chosen to cut herself off from the family. I accept the fact that we cannot help her because she won't help herself.