Ale to the Chief

[Obama] Gentlemen, welcome to the White House Beer Summit, a totally unscripted glorification of my leadership, with just a few hundred randomly-positioned photographers. Thank you both for joining me here today. This promises to be an outstanding example of my massive outreach skills.

[Crowley] Thanks for the invite, sir, but I don't see any beer.

[Gates] Hey, what's with the white table and chairs?

A waiter arrives with the three most famous beers in human history. These beers have been researched, challenged, interviewed, and submitted to a brutal yeast analysis by the Senate. All three beers have received reality show offers. One is in therapy.

As the waiter nears the table, a Secret Service agent leaps from the shrubbery, tasers the waiter, and frisks the beers.

[Obama] Thank you, waiter.

[Waiter] Agghh. Ahk.

[Obama] Oh, and waiter?

[Waiter] Aaaaahhng?

[Obama] Bring me a non-divisive tablecloth.

The agent drags the waiter away and returns with a grey General Motors guest towel.

[Secret Service] Best I could do, sir.

[Obama] How's that, Professor?

[Gates] Appropriate. What's with the extra chair?

[Obama] The ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt has been channeling me, begging me for leadership advice. The empty chair symbolizes my massive outreach skills.

[Crowley] Uh, yeah. Whew. Man, look at the time! Well, thanks for the brewski, Mister Presi...

[Obama] Mr. Crowley, a moment, please. I have several more leadership moments to share. Remember, this is a teachable moment for America. Give me a moment more of your time.

[Crowley] That's a whole lotta moments, sir.

[Obama] Ease up. I'm reciting these lines from memory.

The agent leans in.

[Secret Service] Excuse me, sir, but you have an incoming 'flash' call from codename Harpo, sir.

[Obama] Code which?

[Secret Service] From the Vice President, sir.

[Obama] "Harpo?"

[Secret Service] You know, like Harpo Marx, sir. The guy who never spoke? Just a little agency humor, sir, common among brilliant, under-appreciated security professionals. Sir.

[Crowley] Good one, agent.

[Gates] You know, "Harpo" spelled backwards is "Oprah." What's that supposed to mean?

Obama takes the phone from the agent.

[Obama] Yes, Joe? Going well. Have you finished the jigsaw puzzle, Joe? You sure? Even the sky? You wanna do what? Joe, that's just not a good ide ... Joe, it's not an extra chair, it's Eleanor's cha ... okay. Okay! Five minutes, then straight to bed, okay? Uh huh ... yes ... yes, I love you, too, Joe.

Joe Biden runs up and sits down. He's dressed exactly like Obama, but Joe sports an "I'm With The Big Guy" baseball cap.

[Joe] Hello, gentlemen! And you, too, Big Guy!

[Obama] Joe...

[Joe] What'd I say? How goes it, Professor? Officer?

[Crowley] All good, here. You?

[Gates] A pleasure to see you, Mr. Vice President. We were just enjoying a nice ale with your boss.

[Joe] What? No malt liquor? Just kidding, Teach. Hey, Teach, didja hear the one abou ...

[Obama] Joe...

[Joe] What?

[Gates] It's okay, Mr. President.

[Joe] Well, this is cozy, eh? White, black, white, black. Maybe we ought to haul in a Supreme Court nominee as a tie-breaker, eh? Ha!

[Obama] Joe...

[Joe] Are those cashews? Man, I love cashews! How 'bout you guys?

[Gates] I certainly enjoy an après-dinner kernel or two, Mr. Vice President, perhaps accompanied by a petite pomme and fine aperitif.

[Joe] A who? Whoa. Hey, Teach, you expectin' change back from that eight-dollar sentence?

[Obama] Joe...

[Joe] No way some stupid cop would gab like that, eh, Big Guy?

[Obama] Joe, that's eno...

[Joe] But cocktail nuts, they really tear me up, if know what I'm sayin'. How 'bout you, Joe Friday? You, too? Hey, wanna see a trick?

[Crowley] Yes, sir?

[Joe] Pull my finger!

[Obama] JOE!

[Joe] Wha-ha-ha-t?