Alice in Blunderland

From the very start, people in her school noticed that Alice was far different from normal students. Each day, she tried to learn a new rule of grammar or spelling. She learned early on that "No! No!" was not an example of multiple negatives. She was too polite to correct Billy, who had the desk next to her, when he said in some casual conversation "I ain't not gonna do that, no way!" She didn't want to criticize and say that "ain't" should be "am not" but too man y people now seem to accept that "ain't". What Alice sadly learned is that language and the spoken word no longer distinguishes the learned from the uneducated. Perhaps the reason for that can be blamed on chat rooms on the Internet, with "you are" becomes "ur" and, even worse, "they are" or "their" becomes "there." It seems unfair to criticize so-called short cuts, but it does carry over into everyday conversational language. People don't write as well as they used to, mainly because everything is computerized and there is such a thing as "spellcheck" which automatically corrects misspelled words or phrases.

Two African-American girls sit in front of Alice in her classroom. To hear them talk one might think they were in a totally different English class. They speak in what is now considered "cool" mostly among African Americans. It is a twist of accepted grammar called "Ebonics." The girls use "be" all too often instead of "are". For example, Alice hears them talking about "We be going to the cafeteria where we be slurpin' down some I=cees." It's a whole declension thing, which now seems to be acceptable by some. But not everybody. Alice, for one, basically a purist, sees this as improper English. But then, Taisha and LaWanda feel that they ar entitled to their own "native" language to sort of prove that they are different from "proper" English.

Now, it is important to realize that Alice knows when she uses "declension" she is not referring to "weak declension" which seems to be more prominent in Germany where nouns have genders and where the use of an article (like the English "the") makes a "strong" noun "weak. Alice realizes that, for foreigners, English may be difficult to pronounce, but at least there are no genders among English nouns. You never have to try to learn, as you would in German or French or Spanish, whether the noun is masculine, feminine, or maybe neuter.

Is English difficult to pronounce? Alice has to smile. She remembers how her cousin, Ernesto, from Colombia, had to struggle to learn how to pronounce "ough". There is "though" "bough", "ought", "rough" and "through." Alice also remembers her mother being patient in helping Ernesto learn the new language. "If I were you" she told him, "I would begin with simple words." Of course, Alice told herself, her mother would NOT be like Ernesto. At least, she didn't say "If I WAS you" which would be incorrect (although lots of people DO say that). It would be so much simpler and effective for Mother to have said; "Here's what I suggest you do." Then she is giving advice not trying to put herself in her nephew's place. Of course, co-workers may say "If I were you", sometimes bosses say it, even teachers. Alice, well-behaved as she is, sometimes would simply love to scream: "But you're NOT me!"

Maybe it has become part of Alice's nature. Perhaps it is her inquiring mind, always wanting to learn something new that makes her analytic. It's just her way of carefully weighing the positives and negatives of things she hears and reads about. Ion other words, she seldom takes things at face value until she carefully figures out the meaning or meanings of something she has seen, heard or read. Sometimes, she is able to make a joke about her analytic mind. For example, Billy who lives next door, came over and said "I have a preposition for you." "Really," Alice replied, "is it up, under, over, by, into, or on?" Billy looked confused, until Alice explained that he must have meant "proposition." A preposition is a word which helps locate an object in space or time. You're walking OVER the earth, or your cast is ON the roof, or your Dad drivers AROUND a pothole in the road. Billy, shaking his head, walked away. Alice never did find out what his proposition or preposition was.

Alice has problems with the use of some "fancy" words, adapted from another language. This is especially true, she has found, in her history books. In "normal" English if we are not certain about a date, we might easily say "It happened around 2006." But. Some history books use the word "circa." Like the encyclopedia will state that 'John of Damascus lived circa 675...'" Alice has always felt that this word was rather pretentious. But then, she does not write history books. But, in her attempts to create word play, she will tell anyone who will listen that "circa" is NOT the plural of "circus."

Sometimes, Alice got herself into social trouble with her emphasis on using correct language. She was with a group of her friends at a Church social, where they had a DJ playing all sorts of music to dance to. (Oops, Alice tugs me at the arm: "Never end a sentence with a preposition!"...I turn to her and say: "What if the warden at a prison lets a prisoner go free by telling him "Your sentence is up!" Alice shrugs in her analytical way,. And walks away, somewhat deflated). Anyway, she is sitting with her friends when a cute boy approaches her and asks "Can I ask you to dance?" Alice, in her analytical way, simply HAS to straighten this boy out. "Can" she says" means 'are you able' and since I've never seen you dance before, I don't know whether you CAN. But, if you want to ask me 'May I ask you to dance with me' that means, do I want to, do I give you permission, and the answer is 'Yes!'". The boy shrugged his shoulders, murmured something no one pretended to understand and walked away. The other girls looked at Alice. "Don't worry," one of them said. "He will come back." Alice made a sort of grimace. It's not as if he must. As if he had to." Inside, she thought "If only he would, or if he really wants to make a good impression, maybe he should."

Alice is learning that social graces and insistence on correct use of English grammar may not get her to become a useful and interesting dance partner.

C heryl tried to comfort Alice, still without a dance partner. "If he thinks about it, and if he makes a real effort and if he gets his nerve, he'll come back over here and ask you to dance in the right way." Alice thought for a moment and turned to Cheryl: "Wow! You just said a hypotactic sentence." Cheryl turned beet red. "I-I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean to say something bad to you."

"Don't be silly, Cheryl. "It's just a form of grammar. Hypotaxis is the relationship between dependent clauses with connectives." Cheryl's face turned white..."In the case of my sentence, it's not between, it's among." She stormed away, leaving Alice all by herself. There was a little voice telling Alice "Touche~!"

In this world where everyone wants to use shortcuts, abbreviations or new words which were meaningless just a short time ago, Alice finds herself wondering whether she should concentrate on correcting others, or merely keeping her analytic ideas to herself. Alice, herself, has no problem telling friends that she will IM them, meaning Instant Messaging on her computer. She also uses "e-mail" mail on the computer compared with "snail mail" meaning regular post office letters. The word "mouse" now means more than a rodent, but what one uses to move along on a computer. Some of Alice's friends now have wisps of hair around their chin, or just under their lips. This is a new word called a "soul patch.: Some of the more emotional girls, and some of her young teen gay friends are often called "drama queens." And, Alice's family is now part of the "sandwich generation" where parents care for their parents as well as their children. Yet, all in all, Alice is still perturbed by misuse of language and words she has tried diligently to use properly. So, in essence, grammatically, she still lives in Blunderland.