ALL THE NEWS UNFIT TO PRINT

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction and sometimes that truth gets so strange that I can no longer restrain myself and have to comment on it. I don't know if you've been following this but apparently Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton have been doing a little partying without their underwear. Now I, like most sexist heterosexual males appreciate a bottomless female in the right circumstances but something about this latest incident I can't help but find repugnant.

I personally would love to be rich and famous for doing nothing of socially redeeming value but I draw the line at partying without my underwear unless I'm at a nudist colony (which when you think about it makes sense), or if I'm so drunk that I have no idea what I'm doing, (in which case I count on my friends to keep me under control). I don't think running around drawerless in public at a nightclub or restaurant where they probably serve drinks and possibly food is a good idea. We have laws against that kind of behavior and for good reason.

I'd just like to say "Girls, Put your shorts back on!". I neither need to see it, hear about it, smell it or accidentally be seated in an area you previously occupied. That may sound a little bit harsh to you but doggone it underwear was invented for a good reason. It is the perfect filter for skid marks. Even a thong offers a minimum of protection maybe not necessarily to you but certainly to the rest of us. You must know by now that running around without your skivvies is a real good way to catch stuff, (Example: That wet spot you're sitting in might not be a spilled drink. You catch my drift?).

Now that I've got that off my chest, in a sort of related news item a flight out of Tennessee was forced to make an emergency landing when a woman in an effort to mask the smell of her flatulence lit a match to burn off some of the excess offending methane. The plane not only was forced to land but the woman was taken off the plane in handcuffs, interrogated by the FBI and Homeland Security and not allowed to reboard after the incident.

Although I appreciate the FBI and Homeland Security trying to protect us from all those farting terrorists I think in this case they're sniffing up the wrong tree. This poor woman was simply trying to do everybody on that plane a favor. She was also trying to be discreet which obviously backfired, (I know, Bad pun). She was probably mortified to begin with when she realized that that little bitty silent but deadly developed into a nuclear mushroom cloud, (It's happened to the best of us believe me I know).

I can only imagine how embarrassed she was when she was arrested and made the front page news. Personally, I think the woman is a hero. We ought to have a great big public ceremony and give her a medal, (That is if we can coax her out from under that rock where she's probably hiding about now).

Wait, there's more strange news. Apparently in an effort to be funny, (which in my opinion he never has been), comedian Andy Dick jumped onstage at a comedy club and began a tirade using the "N" word. He thought it would be hysterical to mimic Michael Richards. Hey Andy, Michael Richards wasn't funny when he did it. Capisch?

All I have to say is his name says it all, "Dick". Where was the hook that should have yanked this loser off the stage by his neck? When was the last time Andy Dick said or did anything worth seeing or hearing? I'm sorry Andy but you're about as funny as a three day old fart in a space suit.

And last but certainly not least, K-Fed, Brittany's ex is suing Brittany for spousal support. Actually, I think they should call that lousal support but hey, that's just me. You know Kev maybe if you'd just stop leaching off women, get a real job and spend some of your "hard earned" money on singing lessons you might stand a chance. The way it stands right now if you look up the word idiot in the dictionary there's a picture of you, your ex, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Homeland Security and Andy Dick. At least you're in good company.

That's it for now folks. That's all the news that's unfit to print but give it 5 minutes and I'm sure I'll be able to come up with some more.