All Toilets Not Created Equal: A Bidet Adventure in South Korea

I'm willing to bet that most people have heard of a bidet. Likely, few Americans have had the good fortune to get to use one. I recently had that good fortune, and never did I imagine that I could be so close to relief when nature called, and yet so uncertain as to how to answer that call.

I was spending the day in Seoul, South Korea, with my husband and two of his Air Force buddies. We heard there was a Hooters in Seoul, and I was out voted 3-to1 (surprised?) on eating dinner there. We were celebrating my husbands birthday and our waitress told him that he had to stand on a platform, hold a menu under each arm, and in between each chorus line of 'Happy Birthday' he had to flap his wings like a chicken, then say 'lalalala, it's my birthday!' which he actually did!! I about died laughing, which caused me to get the crazy idea of going to the bathroom.

I walk in to my harmless looking stall, only to be confronted by a toilet that seemed more La-Z-Boy than toilet bowl. It had a fancy remote-control-like thing attached like an arm rest. Of course, all of the buttons are in Korean, roughly 12 of them. A few of them had quaint drawings to give foreigners like me just a bit of a clue. So, the adventurer in me decides I am going to play with all of these buttons, but the intelligence in me tells me I should not do this while actually sitting on the pot, lest I find a not so desirable feature.

Well. The first button I reach for looks something like a behind. A little spout starts creeping out so innocently from under the rear of the seat, and then the next thing I knew I was under attack. That darn geyser was shooting water at me like I was China attacking. We're talking head level. So my judo training instincts tell me to press myself up against the bathroom door to the side of the toilet to be out of the line of fire. Try as I might, I just could not become one with the door, so I was still receiving spray. I decided to wait it out. I learned, not quite soon enough, that it doesn't just shut off though; you need to find the Korean button that turns it off. So I'm brave, and I go back into the line of fire and actually manage to locate said button on first attempt.

So there I am, water dripping from my hair, the back of my shirt has been sprayed, but all in all the stall wall had it much worse than I did, as there was water dripping down the entire wall and a huge puddle at the base. I decided I'd had enough fun at the water park and left the other 11 buttons to mind themselves. I nonchalantly left the stall, washed my hands, and never looked back. Upon returning to the table, you can imagine the looks and questions from the boys, to which they found the answer quite laughable, I assure you.

Thanks to Wikipedia, I have since discovered that in Asian cultures, bidets (also knows as Super Toilets in English or Washlets in Japanese) are extremely common and not surprisingly, some of the most high-tech in the world. A traditional, no frills bidet is going to simply rinse your nether region, front and/or backside. These newer options have features such as seat warmers, automatic sensor flushing, various water pressures (with pulsation options!) and of course afterward, dry you with a refreshing burst of warm air.

While I'm sure that all of these features deserve appreciation, when you are not sure which button is going to strike you where, it may be a bit more adventure than you had in mind when you booked that plane ticket east. If you are the curious type, I warn you now: step aside before you press that button!

Source: "Toilets in Japan" Wikipedia