All I Want for Christmas is a Pat on the Butt

As I stared with disbelief at the onslaught of greedy shoppers, I felt my stomach begin to churn, my hands tighten into fists, and my forehead breaking into a hearty sweat. It felt like it was at least 102 degrees in the wonderful Wal-Mart Supercenter, maybe even hotter with my temper flaring.

Should I get my mother-in-law the Glade Candle or the Industrial Strength-size bottle of Purex Laundry Soap, I wondered? When your resources are less than desirable, you're forced to buy "functional" gifts rather than fun gifts. At least she could use the laundry soap, I decided.

Before I reached the infinite line to pay for my meager treasures I then thought: How the hell do you wrap an Industrial strength size bottle of Purex? Oh, the hell with it, I'll just put a bow on it. It might be more depressing to wrap it. A beautifully wrapped package excites the senses, stirs the sensations. You look at the glistening golden paper and bright red ribbon with wonderment and think, there has to be something amazing inside that beautiful wrapping. Imagine how you'd feel to open it, and discover a crummy bottle of laundy soap. The bow will do much better.

I stood in the line forever it seemed, my arms growing heavy with my bundle of boring gifts. There were still five people ahead of me, and one woman had enough food in her cart to feed a small country. Somewhere in the store a very unhappy child was exercising his lungs to full capacity, caterwhalling over and over, "I want to go home, Mommy!" A fat elderly lady behind me bumped into me and nearly knocked me over, as she made dinner plans on her cell phone.Damn it! I thought, I'll be her age by the time I get out of here.

And then, the depression begin to set in. I stood here, holding this armful of junk no one will want, thinking, what is the point? I was never able to afford diamonds from Tiffany's or anything like that, but, I did reasonably well, able to afford at least something someone might enjoy. But this year, I was laid-off my job permanently, and right before Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough to find a better job, but I would not be starting until a week before Christmas. So, this year, the gifts would be lousy. I would be forced to give the gifts no one ever wants-things like socks, underwear, kitchen items, and McDonald's Gift Certificates. Well, actually, I'm just giving the gift certificates to some of the relatives I don't like so much, but still have obligation to buy for, like my Aunt Helen who is the Supreme Queen of hateful bitches. But, she is, after all, my aunt, and she's ill, which is why she is a bitch. I know she doesn't really mean to be, so I try to look past the fact she is a bitch.

Anyway, this was all going through my mind, along with all the anger, impatience, and self-pity of Scrooge when suddenly, I heard someone behind me say my name. I turned around to see an old friend from high school, who I had not seen in years. It was so great to see her!

As we talked the line began to move faster, then it was time for me to ring up my crappy gifts. I told my friend how badly I felt, having to give my family such cheap, penny-pinching gifts, when my friend looked very sad. She looked down at her feet and said, "As long as you're surrounded by your loved-ones, any Christmas is as special as it can be."

After we both paid for our gifts, we went for coffee, and as I talked with my friend, I began to see how selfish and blind I had been.Christmas is not what you spend or even what you give that is material, Christmas is the most special when you give yourself and all the love you have inside your heart.

As the tears filled her eyes, my friend told me of how a car accident with a drunk driver had killed her husband, 2-year-old son, and her three-year old daughter only two weeks before. She had long ago lost both her parents in a car accident as well, so she had no real family to speak of now. "I would be thrilled if I could just get a pat on the butt from my husband. He used to do that to tease me all the time,but he's gone." I felt terrible and small for thinking how those worries of meager presents I had been dwelling on were so important.

My friend came home with me to my family's house that Christmas, and we ate to excess, sang, acted silly like children and spent all the time we could laughing and reminiscing. My husband came up, gave me a hug, and asked me what I had hoped to get this year, and I told him a pat on the butt would be plenty, and he laughed, shaking his head. I don't think he understood, but that Christmas was one of the most special in my life.

Sometimes when you think you have little to give, all you really have to give is yourself and your time. I feel like Christmas is a time when God wants us to slow down and spend our time more wisely than we do during the rest of the year when we're all in such a rush to get everything done. It's a time to spend with family, friends, and everyone we love. It's not about expensive gifts, but how much love you give.