Alli: The Not-So-Silent-Drug

It is so embarrassing going to the bathroom at work. If I had a choice, I wouldn't go to the bathroom at all, but so it goes: I eat, I poop, I make room for more food, then I eat and poop again. It's a vicious cycle, I tell you. A vicious cycle.

There has been a growing trend of nasty, dirty, oily toilets invading America. We need to do something to stop this. I'm not one for potty humor, so I hope to be taken very seriously this time: we need to ban Alli from the workplace.

Alli, a weight-loss drug known for helping people exude some of the fat content they consume, is known for its notorious side effects, or as 'they' would have us refer them to, 'treatments.' These 'treatments' result in loose stools, constipation, diarrhea, stomach cramps, oily discharges, and a plethora of other equally disturbing (and disgusting) side-effects. But how do I know this? Well...I'm one of the many victims of Alli; I've been a chronic Alli user for 3 months now, and now I can't stop. I've been guilty of contributing to the abundant amounts of oily, messy stools clogging up America's toilets. Once again, I am not very proud of this, but it's true. We have to stop this pandemic before it affects the rest of the world, and the rest of the world's toilets.

Every day, one or two more people start using Alli recreationally. Like the greasy chip they eat right before they take their Alli pill, they "cannot take just one." Before they know it, they're on a downward spiral, stopping by every bakery on the way home, and taking Alli with every meal, up to three times a day.

We must stop this epidemic in its track.

I'm not very proud of my Alli usage, and it's not something I would go announcing to the whole world, but if I must make myself the poster child for the horrors of Alli usage, then use me. Let me be the one who bears the burden for the thousands of Americans affected by this affliction each year. Let America see what Alli has done to me, and the thousands of toilets my addiction has touched. Let me be the one who takes one for the team.

Every day my butt doesn't make a gurgling, oily stool sound when I hit the crapper at work, is one more day America is free from the Alli stronghold. For only $2,890 a day, you too could help the Alli Relief Fund. Your donation helps.

Your donations help, a lot.

This PSA was brought to you by the Collective Unconscious Business Employees collective.