Am I Being True to Myself?

You know today I received a letter from a Texas inmate and I'm not going to share his name, but he asked me several questions and I remember thinking to my self that this guy is reading my mind. First of all what is funny is that when I write I write under my byline of Taz and never use my real name, and second I have never posted my address, but yet I got this letter and it was addressed to my real name and it was sent to my address, so never under estimate the abilities of these guys and gals because if there is one thing I have learned it is that there are a lot of intelligent people in prison. I also have to admit that it kind of catches you off guard a little and makes you step back and wonder just what might happen if you make the wrong person mad. For me it is ok because I get all my mail at my office address, but for some I just wonder how that would make you feel.

I have to admit at first when I started reading the first few lines I thought to myself "oh great with the week I have been having all I need is another person chewing on me", but I soon understood it was just the language this person spoke in, and what I mean by that is he and I grew up in two different generations so the terminology we use is different and that's all; I certainly am not putting this man down.

In his letter he wrote this one paragraph that I am going to share that goes "Cat, if I ain't prying, let me ask you this. Is what your doing truly your battle and worth it? Sometimes in your writings I feel you feel guilty of something and are trying to make it right by helping Perry." That line is a question I have asked myself over and over and over again since I first met inmate Michael Perry.

In answer to his first part of the question of whether this battle is my battle and whether it is worth it the answer has to be NO! This is not my battle but at one point I did think it was worth it, but now I'm not so sure. This battle has inflicted great strain on my family situation, my physical health, and my mental health. The memories I have hidden for so many years were thrown back to the for front all at one time and I'm not sure I can handle that frankly.

The last part of the question was probably the easiest part to answer for me because I know it is true. I have terrible guilt over the death of two friends that I blame myself for and I guess I thought that if I could just help save this inmate (Perry) then I could prove to myself that the deaths of my friends were not my fault because I was a good friend but just unlucky as far as they were concerned.

Now as far as this battle not being mine he is right I have absolutely no responsibility to anybody in this matter. I am not related to anybody involved in this case; I was not involved in the law enforcement investigation in this case, and I do not live in Montgomery County or Texas so I have no responsibility to my community in this case, and I guess I realized this week that this is not my battle and it certainly has not been worth it. I expended a lot of time and resources to this case that I could have and should have expended elsewhere. Instead of worrying about somebody else's son I should be focused and worried about my own. You know one person's mother actually told me this week that I helped and hurt her son at the same time; oh no your not putting that guilt on me because you just aren't aware of the entire picture because I kept a lot hidden to spare their feelings and to not take their "hope" from them. I took the blame for a lot of things their son was directly involved in to cover up his actions from people so they would be mad at me and not him; I ran interference for him.

I often wonder what right do I have to even be in this battle because the truth be told I'm not opposed to the death penalty in concept if there is not doubt, no error, then I could live with the results. I also question if I had the right to interfere in a grieving families "revenge" and lets face it that is truly what is behind the death penalty. It is the victim's families revenge for the horrific pain they suffered at the hands of these individuals; it is their ability to hold these people accountable and make them atone for their actions, and you know I truly don't oppose that. I would welcome that opportunity myself in the death of my close friends; I want my revenge so bad I can feel it.

This week things have changed for me somewhat; I have walked away from one person completely and I have ended direct involvement with the other but I will offer him advice and answer questions if I can for him; I will tell him where to look and what to look for but I'm not actually going to get involved anymore.

I know this Texas inmate reads my writings because he told me so and if he reads this I want him to know I did listen to what you had to say, and you are very perceptive to how I am feeling, and I greatly appreciated your words and encouragement because to be honest this week has been a living hell on so many fronts. I have been planning on walking away from this one inmate for months and I was just searching for the right time, and this week I realized there never will be a "right time" so now has to be the right time. I just never realized how hard it would be to follow through on it or how bad I would feel, but I just need to stick it out and each day it gets easier. It's like quiting smoking; the withdrawals are a killer but if you get past the first couple of weeks the worst is over, and I certainly hope this is true here,