Amazing New Non-lethal Self Defense Product Just Out

Technology marches on (origins of the product)
My wife abhors firearms. No amount of logical discussion can convince her otherwise. After a long, devolving discussion one night, my wife came up with this alternative to guns for self-protection. At first we weren't sure if the world was ready for this revolutionary new product, but perseverance paid off.

After 4 failed proto-types, 3 inventor rip-off scams, and several thousand dollars success was finally achieved. The marketing research carried out by the Barefoot Invention and Scatological Research Group, LLC. shows a promising market. The product appeals to men, women, and children. It is so safe to use that the base model requires no warning labels. (I'd like to report that no lawyers were harmed in the pre-production of this product, but I personally kicked three square in the groin before the product trial phase was concluded.)

What is it?
Based on my wife's infallible logic that everyone is afraid of snakes, I present to you the Snake Holster^TM. This is similar to a gun holster, but filled with rubber snakes. The Snake Holster^TM provides a quick, convenient way of delivering a handful of rubber snake on any would-be assailant. While the criminal is distracted, dancing, flailing and generally having the heebie-jeebies, the potential victim has ample time to escape.

Of course the correct question you should ask is "Why can't I just carry rubber snakes in my pocket or purse?" Quick reflexes are the key to any confrontation. Putting your rubber snakes in a purse or fanny pack would be cumbersome. By the time you dug them out, it would be too late. The Snake Holster^TM keeps your snakes at the ready. The art of the quick draw meets the modern age of non-lethal weaponry. The perfect blend of tested, functional design and science.

The Snake Holster 1000^TM
Snake Holster Industries base model is a high quality, high volume, leather holster with decorative inlays capable of holding two large handfuls of rubber snakes. This model is approved for use by all ages. It is completely non-toxic and quite frankly damn fun to use. Included with the Snake Holster 1000^TM is a bag of 500 high-quality, lifelike all-natural-rubber snakes. This is not your dime-store bag of toy snakes. Accept no substitutes. Use only Snake Holster Industries' approved rubber snakes.

The Snake Master 5000^TM
This model includes all the accessories. In addition to the high quality, high volume, leather Snake Holster^TM, you will receive:
One Fasssst-Pac Speed Loader^TM to refill your holster at the touch of a button.
Two 500 count bags of lifelike, Snake Holster Industries' approved rubber snakes, The Ssssnake Pac^TM.
One 250 count bag of Snake Holster Industries' patented Mace Snakes^TM.

The Snake Master 5000^TM is not for use by anyone under the age of 18. Not available in all states.

Snake Holster Industries offers these unmatched, quality accessories
The Ssssnake Pac^TM: Painstakingly hand-crafted, all-natural rubber snakes. SHI has created the most realistic rubber snake on the market. These quality models are designed not only to fool your attacker, but to be just a bit sticky thereby increasing the effect of the "willies" when contact is made. Available in handy 500 count bags.

Mace Snake^TM: These technical marvels are not only realistic, but will deliver a potent spray of mace three seconds after impact. Load your Snake Holster^TM with Mace Snake^TM for the ultimate in personal protection. (Must be 18 or older to order. Not available in all states.)

The Mace Snake Ultimate^TM: In addition to a potent mace spray, the Mace Snake Ultimate^TM hisses and writhes with unmatched realism. Also available in "rattler" with action-rattle sound. (Must be 18 or older to order. Not available in any state.)

The Fasssst-Pac Speed Loader^TM: Attach these to your belt or backpack with the handy clip. Each holds two generous handfuls of snakes. Just hold the Fasssst-Pac Speed Loader^TM over your Snake Holster^TM and press the release. Your holster is filled and ready to go. Order several. Don't get caught in a snake fight without one.

Custom orders accepted
SHI is proud to offer monogramming to personalize your Snake Holster^TM. In addition we have contracted with renowned herpetologist throughout the country to identify snakes in your area. SHI is happy of offer regionally-correct Snake Pacs^TM to match the deadliest of your local snakes. Great as a teaching tool for the kids, too.

Coming soon: The Snake Bazooka^TM for pin-point delivery of large volumes of rubber snakes on mass targets. Contracts with several police departments are pending. Warning: The Snake Bazooka^TM is not for use by children. The Snake Bazooka^TM is intended as a non-lethal deterrent. Heart attack from the use of the Snake Bazooka^TM is unintentional. Consult your doctor before rioting, demonstrating, or being in any large crowd that may be subject to the Snake Bazooka^TM.

Snake Holster 1000, Snake Master 5000, Ssssnake Pac, Mace Snake, Mace Snake Ultimate, Fasssst-Pac Speed Loader, and Snake Bazooka are registered trademarks of Snake Holster Industries, a wholly-owned subsidiary of theBarefoot Brain LLC.