Amendment: We Must Change the Interns and Pages

With news today that openly-gay Congressman Jim Kolbe is now under investigation for a rafting trip he took with two younger pages a few years back (not a surprise considering he was one of the people who "outed" the Mark Foley thing), I can't help but wonder if it is time for us to seriously reevaluate the people we hire to work under our nation's lawmakers. Since Mark Foley, Strom Thurmond, Bill Clinton, and a host of others have all been caught diving into naughty territory with the menial white collar laborers in their employ, maybe we need to redo things.

Let's think about this. Politics is a high-stress, mentally-taxing job. One's morals as a politician are constantly being reevaluated, e.g., "do I really care about the trees, or would I rather sponsor another defense plant and get reelected?" Most politicians are men, and most of them are over 40 (by law, no one under 25 can hold any national office...except Supreme Court Justice, which I can legally hold even though I don't have a law degree. Try to crack that mystery!). Many of these politicians also, by the nature of their employment, have families living back in the home state, wives back home in Utah or Indiana. If not there, then they probably live in the wealthy suburbs, probably near the mistresses, far away from the fetid stench of Washington.

To sum this up, we have a bunch of lonely, morally-vacuous, stressed-out men smack dab in the middle of mid-life crisis territory. And what do we give to this group to help with their meaningless everyday functions? Flesh. Youthful, shiny, eager, delicious flesh.

Leave it to a bunch of lawmakers to come up with that Jim Dandy of a solution.

Monica Lewinsky is far from a supermodel, but you drop her 22-year old body in that pond of hungry fish and someone's going to bite. The same goes for Mark Foley. If there weren't "hot little numbers" (not my words) walking around the Capitol, would he even be in trouble? No, he would still be an invisible Congressman, presumed straight and normal until shown otherwise.

Now, Monica Lewinsky was a legal adult, and I'm all for consenting adult activity. But maybe if we wanted our lawmakers to focus on the task of maintaining our great national empire instead of creating a personal one, we should promptly remove any sexually-attractive beings from Washington D.C. No more cute sorority-girl interns, no more sexually-confused 17-year old pages, no more "assistants" with innocent faces and tight rear ends, no more "special protégés," and no more "daughter's friends" who happen to have a chest bigger than the national debt.

Stealing a bit from Bill Maher, I'd like to introduce a new political rule (in the form of a Constitutional amendment):

Amendment the 28th: No one under the age of 55 shall be allowed to work for any Congressman, President, Justice, executive branch authority, or anyone else otherwise employed in the national government in any role. Those over the age of 55 who wish to seek work must not be of the sexually attractive variety, i.e., "no GILFS allowed." Applicants who are asexual, impotent, incapacitated, or otherwise averse to possible sexual behavior with men in power are to be preferred. Employees, interns, and pages shall not have breasts larger than a B-cup or male genitalia that is "above-average," whichever applies, if not both. Candidates with body odor, baldness, odd-shaped moles, dental problems, abnormal and unsightly hair growths, and severe and/or humorous medical problems should be moved to the front of the line.

Look, I'm all for educating our hot, young 16-25 year olds in civics, but there are parts of Washington they have no business in, namely, a Congressperson's pants. Whatever consenting adults do is great, but our leaders have a duty to We the People to do what is best. For them to do that function, they must not be swamped with temptation day in and day out. That comes before giving a bunch of college kids experience.

And I will say, as someone who studied politics at a major University for arrogant high-achievers, I know far too many people who would probably hop into bed with a Congressperson (or crawling under a desk or going on a "camping trip") if it meant getting ahead in the rat race. How many is too many? One, and frankly, I think it is time we stop the system.

Please, do what you can to ratify the 28th Amendment and put homely elderly people that much closer to power!