America Redoubles Relief Efforts in Haiti by Introducing "Hands Together: Haiti" Initiative

"The relief measures that we Americans have made so far have obviously not worked," said Obama to an antsy press core. "As Haiti has been shaken again by this terrible aftershock, I think the root of the problem has become clear; God is angry and needs our tearful suppliance."

President Obama officially requested that all Americans "pray it out" for earthquake victims in Haiti.

Obama says that after consulting with his staff and representatives of numerous international aid groups, the decision was made to refocus almost all monetary resources pledged by the U.S. to Haiti away from rescue and rebuilding, to a completely prayer-based relief effort, which has been named, "Hands Together: Haiti."

"At first, we thought the name might suggest hand-holding instead of hands being clasped together in prayer. Then, after some debate, we decided that both concepts were not mutually-exclusive, and might even have a synergistic effect," explained President Obama; giving us a rare glimpse into the minds of our nation's greatest policy makers.

He finished, "Synergy is something else."

Around the nation, groups have been mobilized in virtually every city, large and small, to enact a rigorous twenty four hour prayer schedule. Representatives from every church, mosque, and synagogue have all been brought into the effort.

Rabbi Arno Goldberg of the Brooklyn Reform Temple in Brooklyn, New York, had this to say: "We pray already every day; so what's it going to hurt us? They gave us the five-to-six slot. Not so bad."

A small yet significant portion of the cash aid has been put aside to fund groups who will be on the ground in Haiti going face-to-face with survivors to inform them of America's unwavering commitment to their spiritual fortification.

Also, the outreach volunteers will be handing out much needed disposable hand-wipes.

Conspicuously missing from "Hands Together: Haiti" is the Zoroastrian church. No representative of this approximately 200,000 strong religion has come forward to publicly comment on or make a prayer commitment to the Haitians in this, their time of need.

When President Obama was asked to comment on the Zoroastrians silence, his reply was that, "Zoroastrianism is totally weak. We'll get by with the serious prayers of the monotheistic religions that matter."

He continued, "And, yes, that includes the Mormons."