American Billionaire Returns to Earth - Discovers Nobody Cares

An American billionaire who paid 25-million dollars to the Russian government for a trip to space returned to Earth on Saturday. He was in space for thirteen days with a cosmonaut and an American astronaut, and touched down in a space capsule Saturday morning. Charles Simonyi, a Hungarian born software engineer, made his billions by helping to develop Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel. After spending time in space, Simonyi spent over three hours in a return descent from the orbital station. Moscow Mission Control guided the descent following its departure from the station. Simonyi arrived in space April 9th, courtesy of a Soyuz capsule which, according to Yahoo! News, " flew into space atop a Russian rocket launched from the Russian-leased launch facility in Baikonur, Kazakhstan."

Oddly enough, it was discovered that the majority of American people did not care about the return of the billionaire. "Yeah, I didn't know he was gone," said Tom Banks, a janitor at Arizona State University. "If I knew he was going up with the Commies, I would've wrote my senator." Ernie Jones, a fellow employee of Russ's Cleanin' Company, spoke on the issue with Mr. Banks. "Whooohoo space!", exclaimed Jones.

President Bush was very concerned about the safety of the astronaut. The White House released a statement Friday, one the eve of Simonyi's return.

The United States of America will not support the terrorist actions of the Russian Government. To fly one American citizen into space, to become a Martian slave, is an act of terror against the free people of our country. We will do anything and everything to reign justice upon the Russian Federation in response to taking one of our own into terrible, terrible slavery for the Martian people. We believe the Martians, and the Russians, are hiding weapons of mass biological, nuclear, and cosmic destruction. Therefore, we will pursue military action through our bases in Kazakhstan, and begin construction of a Death Star to combat the space-terrorists who think it is acceptable to kidnap American citizens.

It is apparent that most Americans were either unaware that Simonyi was in space, or they just simply didn't care. Lance Bass, former member of N*SYNC, did care. "I'm so, you know, like, totally upset about not going to space, you know? I like, soooo wanted to be up there! With all those stars and ewoks and stuff. I would totally make an awesome spaceman. I'd be like, bye bye bye Earth!"

Mr. Bass, as you may recall, attempted to pay the Russian government twenty million dollars for a space flight several years ago. He was declined for several obvious reasons, not the least of which being that he is an idiot.

Source: Yahoo! News