American History, Part I: The Bill of Rights

In addition to being one of America's foremost authorities on drinking beer while relaxing in a recliner, I am also a bit of an American history buff. Because of that, people ask me all the time about beer and recliners. As I share with them the latest safety tips on getting up from a reclined position while in an alcohol-induced coma, I also like to throw in little tidbits about our wonderful history. In doing so, I am constantly amazed at how many folks out there haven't a clue about the United States Constitution and its original ten amendments known as the Bill of Rights. After all, without rights America would be nothing more than Mexico with safe drinking water and cooler weather.

The problem, of course, is that the Bill of Rights-written more than two centuries ago-sounds like a bunch of gibberish to today's Americans who have engaged in several decades of excessive drug use, thus killing a vast majority of brain cells. So in the first of a series of articles on American History, I will attempt to interpret the single piece of legislature that guarantees me the right to produce this crap and you the right to read it.

The First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Perhaps the most cherished of all amendments, the first amendment guarantees-among other things-the right of the Federal Communications Commission to speak freely about what others can say on the airwaves.

The Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

This is the one that is likely the most controversial of all amendments. Gun nuts and gun control advocates can never seem to agree on what exactly is meant by this almost nonsensical collection of words. I have spent many long hours studying the wording of the second amendment and have come to the conclusion that our forefathers may be the same collection of dudes who wrote the Bible. What the hell are they trying to tell us? Well after several beers and a couple of joints, I think I may have it figured out. Best I can tell, the second amendment guarantees every American the right to have his or her own army, which, by the way, could make it difficult for those of you who are licensed to carry a concealed weapon.

The Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Nobody really gives a crap about the third amendment. I mean what are you going to do with a quarter of a soldier? Was this a problem at one time-people cutting soldiers into four parts? We should probably strike this one from the books.

The Fourth Amendment

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Cutting through the crap, let me point out the most important part of this one. The next time you are being subjected to a cavity search, remember that emitting white powder from your ass when you fart falls under the category of "probable cause." I have a part time job as a "mule" and it took several drug busts before I finally learned my lesson and stopped eating at my favorite Mexican restaurant in Tijuana before crossing the border back into the U.S.

The Fifth Amendment

No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

I'd tell you what this amendment means, but after much deliberation, my attorney has advised me to plead the fifth.

The Sixth Amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.

It would take too long to explain exactly what it means, but if you are at all concerned about this amendment, you are probably in deep shit.

The Seventh Amendment

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

The seventh amendment has to do with judicial dress codes and guarantees you the right to wear a suit worth more than twenty dollars to your trial.

The Eighth Amendment

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Thankfully, the part barring "cruel and unusual punishment" was added to show the rest of the world that we are indeed a civilized society that limits punishment to no crueler than death.

The Ninth Amendment

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Nobody knows what the hell this one means.

The Tenth Amendment

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

This amendment was created because it was like four in the morning and the guys were tired and cranky and couldn't think of any other crap to add to the Bill of Rights. So basically it says, "We're done makin' up rules. If you want more, make them up at the state level. We're goin' to bed."

So there you have it. Over the years, 17 other amendments were added to the Constitution because the esteemed men who wrote the Bill of Rights didn't really give a crap about such trivial things as the rights of black people and women.

Stay tuned for future articles where I will share more of my vast American History knowledge.

Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Bill_of_Rights