American History, Part II: Amending the Constitution or "Oops! We Forgot Some Things"

As promised, here is a follow-up to American History, Part I: The Bill of Rights. In doing extensive research, I discovered that the original framers of the Constitution were men of brevity-sure they missed a few things, but they didn't risk putting future generations to sleep by creating long, wordy amendments. It was quick and to the point and on to the next amendment. Later members of Congress, however, liked to go on-and-on with rambling amendments that were no doubt designed in a manner to keep the American people from knowing what the hell the bastards were up to. So, due to the excessive number of words to many of these amendments, I have truncated and/or reworded portions of a number of them so as to avoid exceeding a word count that would surely have you clicking the back arrow-which you may be doing right now (That's OK-I got the page view). After all, the attention span of the average American today is... hmm, I wonder where I left my keys.

The Eleventh Amendment

The Judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State.

You lost me at "construed." After that, it just sounds like "law...blah, blah, blah...prosecuted...blah, blah, blah...United States...blah, blah, blah...Foreign State."

The Twelfth Amendment

The Electors shall meet in their respective states, and vote by ballot for President and Vice-President....

The President of the Senate shall, in the presence of the Senate and House of Representatives, open all the certificates and the votes shall then be counted.

The person having the greatest Number of votes for President shall be the President, if such number be a majority of the whole number of Electors appointed...

The person having the greatest number of votes as Vice-President shall be the Vice-President, if such number be a majority of the whole number of Electors appointed....

Consisting of 398 words, the twelfth amendment goes on forever. To sum it up, this is the one with the Electoral College-the brilliant idea that stuck us with Dubya for eight long years.

The Thirteenth Amendment

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime where of the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Section 2. The Congress shall have power to [do stuff nobody cares about]

After more than 600,000 Americans died in the Civil War, Congress decided it would be a good idea to end slavery. Roughly 100 years later, the government started to actually take it seriously.

The Fourteenth Amendment

Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States...

Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State...

Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or...President and Vice President, or hold any office... who, having previously taken an oath...shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof...

Section 4. [More crap...]

Section 5. [Even more crap...]

The 435 words of the Fourteenth Amendment define, among other things, citizenship, the makeup of the House of Representatives, the exclusion of traitors from government positions, dress codes, lunch menus, limits to the number of whores allowed at congressional bachelor parties, and mandatory drug testing. Reading the entire text of this amendment is the perfect cure for insomnia.

The Fifteenth Amendment

Section 1. The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.

Section 2. The Congress shall have power to [do stuff nobody cares about...]

This amendment gave African-Americans the right to be lynched by the KKK and hanged from trees when attempting to register to vote.

The Sixteenth Amendment

The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.

Everyone's favorite amendment, it's the one that means your gross wages and your net wages seem to be in no way related.

The Seventeenth Amendment

The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State, elected by the people thereof, for six years; and each Senator shall have one vote...

This one involves the makeup of the Senate. If you are at all interested in becoming a senator, send your bid to: Rod Blagojevich, c/o Illinois Governors Relief Fund, Springfield, IL 62706.

The Eighteenth Amendment

Section 1. [T]he manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors ...is hereby prohibited.

Section 2. The Congress and the several States shall have concurrent power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

Section 3. [The Congress sucks.]

You would have to be bombed out of your head to come up with an amendment like this.

The Nineteenth Amendment

The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

This is the one that gives Ann Coulter the right to vote. That's the same Ann Coulter who says women shouldn't be allowed to vote. That is one crazy bitch, I'd say.

The Twentieth Amendment

Section 1. The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January, and the terms of Senators and Representatives at noon on the 3d day of January...

Section 2. The Congress shall assemble at least once in every year, and such meeting shall begin at noon on the 3d day of January....

Section 3. If, at the time fixed for the beginning of the term of the President, the President elect shall have died, the Vice President elect shall become President...

Section 4. The Congress may by law provide for [something...]

Section 5. Sections 1 and 2 shall take effect on the 15th day of October following the ratification of this article.

Section 6. This article [has six sections]

It appears that the twentieth amendment was created so that these numbskulls would know when to show up for work.

The Twenty-first Amendment

Section 1. The eighteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby repealed.

Section 2. [The Congress shall convene at McCluskey's Bar to celebrate.]

Section 3. [It's happy hour!]

Thank God the men in charge came to their senses and Americans were once again allowed to legally destroy their livers. I'll drink to that!

The Twenty-second Amendment

Section 1. No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice...

Section 2. [More stuff about this...]

This is the amendment that basically assures us against being stuck with some idiot from Texas for more than eight years. Good amendment.

The Twenty-third Amendment

Section 1. [Mind-numbing gobbledy-gook...]

Section 2. The Congress shall have power to enforce this [mind-numbing gobbledy-gook.]

Few experts have been able to determine exactly what this amendment means. After hours of study I have determined that it gives representation to...Wait! Did I leave my keys in my suit pocket?

The Twenty-fourth Amendment

Section 1. [More mind-numbing gobbledy-gook...]

Section 2. The Congress shall have power to enforce [even more mind-numbing gobbledy-gook.].

Damn! Not in my suit pocket.

The Twenty-fifth Amendment

Section 1. In case of the removal of the President from office or of his death or resignation, the Vice President shall become President.

Section 2. Whenever there is a vacancy in the office of the Vice President, the President shall nominate a Vice President...

Section 3. [More stuff about this]

Section 4. [This section is completely indecipherable]

Best I can tell, this amendment mainly has to do with the succession of power, which is: President, Vice-President, Speaker of the House, President pro tempore of the Senate, Oprah.

The Twenty-sixth Amendment

Section 1. The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.

Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to [do things you don't understand and are probably illegal.]

If you are old enough to get your head blown off in some meaningless war, you are old enough to decide who should start them.

The Twenty-seventh Amendment

No law, varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives, shall take effect, until an election of Representatives shall have intervened.

Yep. Congress had to make an amendment to keep congressmen from giving themselves raises in the middle of their terms. And that shows you how stupid congressmen are.

So there you have it. As you can see, the Constitution is a work in progress. For instance, we still haven't added amendments to kill all the gays and Mexicans. But give us a little time and we'll get there.

Keep your eyes open for the next installment of American History when we'll take a look at...Oh, here's my keys!