American History, Part III: Presidential Extramarital Affairs

Since the beginning of time, married men have been on the lookout for alternate places to insert their naughty bits. In fact, Adam was probably the last married man who didn't lust for other women-seeing as how there weren't any-although he did ask Eve to wear a wig and speak with an accent occasionally. Let's face it, the same thing night after night after night can get pretty "been there, banged that."

Nowhere is the quest for something new more prevalent than in the world of politics. Here in our great nation, American presidents and extramarital affairs go together like this article and bad taste. It seems a pretty safe bet that most of the men who have held the highest political office in the United States have been enticed by the advances of attractive women who seem to like rich, powerful men. Hell, even born-again Christian Jimmy Carter admitted that he felt "lust...in my heart" (that's born-again Christian talk for "a boner") for other women.

As an expert in the areas of U.S. presidents (click here for proof of that) and men cheating on their wives (click here for proof of that), I certainly qualify as an authority on the subject of presidents putting their naughty bits where they don't belong. So here for your enjoyment is a list of some of the most distinguished residents of the White House and the special ladies who helped them bring a whole new meaning to the words "domestic affairs."

Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings

The guy who wrote that "all men are created equal" apparently didn't feel the same way about women-some he liked a whole lot better than others. One of the ladies Jefferson preferred over his wife was a pretty, young slave named Sally Hemings. TJ was so fond of the woman known throughout the slaves' quarters as "Brown Sugar" that he knocked her up five times.

Warren G. Harding and Nan Britton

He may have been a horseshit president, but Harding sure knew how to have a good time. That is if you think a man in his 50s nailing his friend's twenty-something daughter in the closet of the executive office a good time. To top it off, Britton later claimed Harding was the father of her daughter.

Franklin D. Roosevelt and Lucy Mercer

Don't know what Lucy Mercer looked like-she may have been rather unattractive-but she had to have been more appealing than that fella the president was married to. Eleanor Roosevelt was an active and socially conscious first lady, but she was a real bad looker. Ravaged by polio, FDR had a built-in excuse for not having to tap the Mrs., but despite his condition, word is that Miss Mercer was quite successful at raising the Titanic.

George H. W. Bush and Jennifer Fitzgerald

When your old lady looks like George Washington, who can blame you if you go out and get yourself a little somethin'-somethin'?

Dwight D. Eisenhower and Kay Summersby

OK, who sounds hotter-Mamie Eisenhower or Kay Summersby? I'm putting my money on Kay. And so, apparently was the general who managed to convince Miss Summersby that she would like little Ike once she got to know him.

Lyndon B. Johnson and Madeline Brown

Let's do the name game again. Who sounds hotter-Ladybird Johnson or Madeline Brown? LBJ must have thought Madeline was pretty smokin' hot because he maintained a 21-year relationship with her. Studies have shown that most affairs don't last 21 minutes.

William J. Clinton and Monica Lewinsky

Even people who hate Bill Clinton have to admit that he is probably the coolest president we have ever had. He's the guy at the party who will engage you with intelligent conversation about most any subject, then go off and feel up your wife. You know what's going on and yet you don't mind because he is just so damn charming. Bill also never lets a little thing like marriage get in the way of having a bit of fun at work. He is a real hands-on boss who is known to show genuine interest in even the lowliest workers-such as White House intern Monica Lewinsky. But since oral sex isn't really sex, Wild Bill never did have relations with that woman. His cigar, however, apparently did.

John F. Kennedy and Judith Campbell

JFK certainly had a way with words. In fact, Judith Campbell was so inspired by his words that she asked what she could do for her country. Turned out the answer was that she could make regular visits to the president's crotch. Though it seems JFK inspired many other women to do the same, the Campbell affair is particularly interesting because she was also intimately familiar with Mafia leader Sam Giancana's Italian sausage.

John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe

Presidents can have affairs for the next thousand years and none of them will ever top this matchup-the most charismatic president in history and one of the sexiest women ever to walk the planet. All these years later, the film of Marilyn breathlessly singing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" in a skintight dress that displays every wonderful curve of her voluptuous figure makes my shorts melt.

Join me again for the fourth installment of American History, when I'll tell you all about something I haven't thought of yet.