American History, Part V: Little Known Facts About the Declaration of Independence

Any idiot who made it through grade school knows all the basic facts about the Declaration of Independence. Of how great Americans like Christopher Columbus and John McCain got all their buddies together to compose those wonderfully famous words that mark the birth of our great nation: Four score and seven years ago...blah, blah, blah...

Yes, we know all that crap. But there is a lot of other crap-little known crap-surrounding the creation of the Declaration of Independence that even some the greatest historians are not aware of. As anyone who has read the previous installments of my series on American history knows, I have the ability to dig deeper than most historians and discover in places that may or may not exist, facts that may or may not be true. That is why the History Channel has called me "America's foremost investigative historian who writes the kind of stupid crap he writes."

So without patting myself on the back any more than I already have, let's enjoy more of the kind of stupid crap I write...

Little Known Fact #1

After signing the Declaration of Independence, our forefathers decided to unwind by getting together on July 4 for a little fun and relaxation. The boys drank several kegs of beer (provided by the Sam Adams brewery), grilled some brats and burgers, downed heaping piles of baked beans and potato salad, played nude beach volleyball with college girls and smoked some weed. Later that night, the party got particularly rowdy when the free-spirited Benjamin Franklin began lighting farts emitted by the always gassy John Hancock, thus starting the tradition of 4^th of July fireworks. Immediately, the boys decided July 4 should be set aside each year for Americans to celebrate the birth of our great nation by getting drunk, lighting explosives and blowing off a few fingers.

Little Known Fact #2

One of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence is believed to have been the first openly gay politician in our history. Button Gwinnett was forced to come out of the closet in 1774 when he was arrested for playing footsie with an undercover sentry in the outhouse of a Philadelphia horse stable. At a press conference later that week, Gwinnett admitted, "I am now and always have been as queer as the Marquis of Queensbury."

Little Known Fact #3

After numerous hours of hard, brain-wracking work, Thomas Jefferson-unable to control his famously wild libido-banged Sally Hemings on his desk, causing papers to fly into the fireplace and inadvertently destroying the first draft of the Declaration of Independence. As he sat down with a fresh sheet of paper trying to recall the exact wording of what he had written hours before, the relaxed Jefferson smiled, shook his head and softly muttered, "Totally worth it."

Little Known Fact #4

The original title for the Declaration of Independence was Let's Tell the British to Go Fuck Themselves.

Little Known Fact #5

Benjamin Franklin-always a practical joker-signed his name as "Ben Dover" thus invalidating the document and forcing a furious Thomas Jefferson to have to rewrite the final page. "Oh sure!" Franklin laughed. "You'd happily rewrite the whole goddamn thing with your left hand if I was that fine little slave piece-of-ass you've been porking." To which Jefferson replied, "Why don't you go fly a kite?"

Little Known Fact #6

The phrase "all men are created equal" was originally going to say "all men are created equal, except for some of them who are just lazy bastards who will never amount to anything. Especially my brother-in-law. That SOB is nothing but a worthless turd. He's always borrowing money and never paying me back. What a goddamn parasite. I say we just let the Brits kill the asshole!"

Little Known Fact #7

Roughly two-thirds of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence never even read the goddamn thing! In fact, Arthur Middleton later claimed he thought he was signing for a FedEx delivery.

Little Known Fact #8

Arthur Middleton was a friggin' retard.

Little Known Fact #9

Though the Declaration of Independence was eventually signed at another venue, the guys all originally met at a Hooters restaurant. Unfortunately, the distraction of scantily clad waitresses forced the men to move to Independence Hall. Even today, a close look at the original document shows traces of barbecue sauce stains and has the faint odor of lager.

There are undoubtedly other little known facts about the drafting and signing of the Declaration of Independence, but I'm tired of making up stuff. So we'll stop at nine and just assume that other crap went on that would probably shock you. Like the time Betsy Ross stopped by to see the guys. Let's just say she was more than just a great little seamstress.