American History, Part VI: Little Known Facts About Christopher Columbus

We all know about Christopher Columbus. Every school kid has been told of how Columbus, with the backing of Queen Latifah, set out with three ships-The El Niño, The Piña Colada, and The Sotomayor-from somewhere across the Great Lakes in search of a place to play football, eventually landing on Plymouth Rock in central Ohio and founding The Ohio State University. With the help of a famous rhyme, children even know what year this all occurred.

In Seventeen-Hundred and Seventy-Six
Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue-ix...

That doesn't sound right. I might have the wrong year, but you get the picture-we all know the basic facts about Christopher Columbus. But there are many little known facts-stuff I like to call "crap I made up"-that you may not be aware of. For instance, did you know Columbus was lactose intolerant? It's true. There are actual firsthand accounts from members of his crew of how the great explorer would often fling full cartons of 2 % milk across the galley in fits of anger. No one knows the reason for Columbus's lack of patience for milk, though some historians have speculated that it had something to do with an unfortunate cow-milking incident as a child.

But the point here is that there is much the average person doesn't know about Christopher Columbus. So as a service to you, here are a bunch of little known facts about the man for whom we hold such great regard, we named the land he discovered after Amerigo Vespucci.

Little Known Fact #1

Christopher Columbus knew almost nothing about boats or sailing. He was known to refer to the bow of the ship as "the pointy end," the starboard side as "this side," the portside as "that side," the stern as "back there," the masts as "those real tall thingies," and the captain's cabin as "that place where I bang the whores."

Little Known Fact #2

After looking at hundreds of photographs and hearing his neighbors go on-and-on for hours about the wonderful food and great entertainment they had enjoyed on their latest vacation, Columbus booked his second, third and fourth voyages to America with Carnival Cruise Lines.

Little Known Fact #3

After traveling nearly one-third of the way to the New World, Columbus realized he had left his driver's license and credit cards on the nightstand next to the bed. The caravan did a u-turn and headed back home thus adding nearly two months to the long, arduous journey.

Little Known Fact #4

The first words Columbus uttered as he took his historic first step down from the ship onto the turf of the New World were, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for a short, fat little Dago like me. Crap! I think I blew out my ACL. Holy f*ck, that hurts!"

Little Known Fact #5

Columbus was a cross-dresser.

Little Known Fact #6

Looking to ease tension and boredom on the crowded ships, Columbus invented shuffleboard, led the boys in sing-alongs, wrote and directed skits, organized games such as "Duck, Duck, Goose," and introduced his men to the concept of "any port in a storm."

Little Known Fact #7

Columbus used what is believed to have been the first GPS system by strapping a young senorita named Guadalupe P. Sanchez to the front mast of his ship. Whenever the vessel went off course, Lupe would call out, "Recalculating!"

Little Known Fact #8

Always a practical joker, Columbus told fellow traveler Ponce de Leon of a "magic fountain" in Florida that was rumored to fight the effects of aging. The gullible de Leon bought Columbus's tall tale and set out in search of The Fountain of Youth only to discover the Sunshine State filled with extremely old Jewish people.

Little Known Fact #9

The moment he arrived in the New World, the explorer was taken by the warm weather and beautiful, sandy beaches of the area. Immediately the enterprising Columbus began plans to build condos and sell Caribbean timeshares-a decision that made the explorer millions and allowed him to retire from the discovering new worlds business to a life of sipping tropical drinks and ogling sexy, young spring-breakers.

There is one other little known tidbit about the man who discovered America, but time does not allow me to go into detail. Let's just say it involves a monkey, a hash pipe, a handsome pool boy named Tito, and a lost video tape. No doubt about it, that Columbus dude sure knew how to have a good time.

Join us again for the next installment of American History when we'll take a look at more crap I made up about something.