American History, Part X: The Women's Movement

I have to admit I was a little hesitant when the National Organization for Women asked me to do a piece on the Women's Movement as part of my highly acclaimed American History series. It's true, few men on this planet have studied the way women move more closely than I have, but it takes a bit more than just asking to get me to do something for a woman. I'm more likely to say yes to a broad if she comes to me begging on her hands and knees-preferably while wearing a dog collar and dressed in leather bra and panties. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned guy at heart. Unfortunately, the National Organization for Women has some weird fetish that eschews leather and dog collars, so it took some major arm twisting (Man, that "Chaz" chick is strong!) to get me to agree to this assignment. I've always been a sucker for a 6'3", 240 lb. pretty face.

[Editor's note: Numbnuts is lying again. The National Organization for Women would never ask (or beg) this idiot to write anything to do with the Women's Movement. He continues to live in a fantasy world where people of importance turn to him for his limited writing skills and absurd lack of knowledge of those events that have shaped this great country. We apologize.]

You doubt my qualifications? I've spent years and years studying the Women's Movement and I gotta tell you, I like a lady with a nice swing on her back porch. Anyway, I present to you in Part X (Fun Chromosomal Fact: Add an X and you have a female!) of my award-winning American History series, a look at some of the most important moments in the Women's Movement. Just think of this as my little way of saying thanks to all the wonderful ladies who have played such important roles in my life-especially Kristi at the Pink Monkey Gentlemen's Club, 750 S. Clinton, Chicago.

In the beginning...

God creates man. Then being somewhat of a homophobe (check out the Bible if you don't believe me), God creates woman for the sole purpose of cleaning the house, feeding Big Daddy when he gets home from a long day at work, washing poop stains out of his underwear, providing him access to her crotchal area at a moment's notice, and popping out a bunch of brats she gets to raise. Life is wonderful and everything goes according to God's plan for thousands of years until...

One small step for women, one giant leap for reality TV

August 18, 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment is ratified giving women the right to vote and assuring success for future TV shows like American Idol and Dancing with the Stars.

The masculine mistake

In 1963, Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique is released by misguided male publishers. The book riles up restless broads everywhere, giving wing to the modern Women's Movement and inspiring the fairer sex to-dare I say it?-get organized.

It's NOW or never

Nothing is more frightening to men than the idea of women banded together in a single organization. Nothing good can come of it. Besides, the only organizing a woman should be doing is in her husband's sock drawer. But in 1966, Friedan creates the National Organization for Women (NOW), a fascist group dedicated to wiping out such traditional institutions as beauty pageants, Playboy magazine, sex, and the male species.

Burn baby burn!

It takes centuries, but in 1968 the Women's Movement finally gets on the right track with its greatest contribution to American life: bra burning. This radical step allows women freedom from the binding shackles of bras and allows men freedom from wondering if the damn things are padded.

She is woman; hear her cleverly plot

Every cause-no matter how misguided-needs a theme song. In1971, Helen Reddy hits the top of the charts with I Am Woman-an anthem supposedly designed to inspire women to be strong and invincible. Controversy ensues when a DJ plays the song backwards and discovers the line "I am woman" becomes "Kill the fat bastard."

Ms.-ing the point

In 1972, Gloria Steinem reveals that by simply removing the letter "i" and an "s" from "Miss" and removing the "r" from "Mrs." men become confused as to whether a woman is married or single. She, of course, is correct, but what Ms. Steinem doesn't realize is that men don't really give a crap if a chick is married, single, divorced, widowed, or a nun as long as she has a nice rack and puts out.

Nevertheless, Gloria takes her new invention and names a magazine after it-Ms. Magazine-a monthly piece of propaganda devoted to educating women with such articles as Why Men Suck, 10 Reasons to Go Sapphic, and How to Castrate Your Husband and Make it Look Like a Cooking Accident.

What's all the racket?

September 20, 1973, Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs 6-4, 6-4, 6-3 before a national television audience proving once and for all that 29-year-old lesbians are better tennis players than 55-year-old grandpas with coke bottle glasses.

Ladies in politics? You betcha!

In 2008, Republican candidate for president, John McCain, names Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate. This appears to be a huge step forward for the Women's Movement until the dumb broad opens her pie hole and everyone realizes she might as well be Rush Limbaugh in drag.