American History, Part XIII: The Three Branches of Government
That's where I come in. As the man who has already given you twelve fabulous installments of the award-winning American History series-a series so outstanding, historian Frank Mucci calls it an award-winning American History series!-I once again come to the rescue, educating you on our great history.
In the previous installment of my award-winning American History series, American History, Part XII: Manned (and Womanned) Spaceflight, I introduced you to a new feature called "Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! ©" where I include little tidbits related to what we have already discussed designed to make this journey even more informative. Here's an example of what I mean:
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © Your slutty teenage daughter is pregnant.
Brilliant, don't you think? So brilliant, in fact, that many producers of school text books have ripped me off by using their own thinly-veiled version called "Did You Know?" Here's one I found recently in a Texas high school science text book:
Did You Know? Darwin made up the whole evolution thing while he was high on meth and busy trying to have unprotected sex with your teenage daughter.
See what I mean? That's out-and-out thievery. We are currently in litigation-some crap about me stealing the idea from them! Can you believe it?-so I'm not allowed to talk about this any further.
Anyway, with this, the 13th edition of my award-winning American History series, I will impart my great knowledge of our nation's long history with everything you ever wanted to know about our three branches of government. If, after reading this, you can't name the three branches of government, you're probably high on meth and obsessed with your neighbor's teenage daughter.
The Executive Branch
President of the United States
Current President: Barack Obama
Responsibilities: He's the decider. (See Bush, George W.)
Perks: The chicks man, the chicks! (See Clinton, William Jefferson and Kennedy, John Fitzgerald)
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © Despite spending much of his time trying to have unprotected sex with your teenage daughter, President Bill Clinton was an excellent decider.
Current Vice President: Joe Biden
Responsibilities: Doesn't decide shit-unless "the decider" is a complete imbecile. (See Bush, George W., Administration.)
Perks: Gets paid decent salary to not decide shit.
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © In order to avoid embarrassment for the George H. W. Bush Administration, former Vice President Dan Quayle was put into a four-year induced coma. It didn't work.
The Legislative Branch
House of Representatives
Total Members: 435 (including the Speaker of the House, plus 6 non-voting members-probably because they're Black or Hispanic or something like that)
Current Majority: Republicans
Responsibilities: Waste a whole bunch of time and money "symbolically" creating bills to repeal bills that took a whole bunch of time and money to create and then make up silly names for the symbolic bills. (See "Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Act.") Vote on shit. Have sex with pages.
Perks: Sex with pages. Pay attention!
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © House minority leader Nancy Pelosi has not been able to close her eyes since 1984.
Speaker of the House
Current Speaker: The Amazing Plastic Man!
Responsibilities: Speak in the house. Duh! Bawl like a little baby.
Perks: Bang BIG freakin' gavel! Get to sneak peeks at the president's ass during annual State of the Union Address.
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © Speaker of the House John Boehner is the first cyborg ever to hold that position. He is kept in a glass case and requires weekly maintenance.
Senate
Total Members: 100 (plus the vice president)
Current Majority: Democrats
Responsibilities: (See House of Representatives, Responsibilities)
Perks: (See House of Representatives, Perks)
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © Contrary to popular belief, Senator Rand Paul is not a black female impersonator.
[Editor's Note: Earlier editions of this text erroneously stated that Senator Rand Paul is a black female impersonator. We have since been informed by members of his staff that Senator Paul is indeed white. We regret the error.]
The Judicial Branch
Supreme Court
Total Members: 9
Current Members: Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, boy.
Responsibilities: Misinterpret the Constitution. Wear a robe to work.
Perks: Every day is casual day!
Oh, By the Way, In Case you hadn't Heard, Check this Out! © Justice Antonin Scalia is secretly referred to by his fellow justices as "the big, fat, garlicky-smelling turd."
Published by Frank Mucci
A Pulitzer Prize-winning author and People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2010, Frank likes to make up crap about himself. He will be honored later this year with the Nobel Prize for Literature. View profile
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15 Comments
Post a CommentLOL! very fun read.
Yep, that about covers it.
I think RuPaul might do well for Kentucky. At the very least, proper accessories would become more import to Kentuckians, which would spur the cosmetic jewelery industry into record sales.
Funny article! The comments are also great!
Ah! This is the Frank Mucci that we all know and love.
Boy...that teenage daughter is sure having a lot of bipartisan sex.
Anyone else think Frank needs medication?
Can we assume the picture of what looks like a vivacious Las Vegas chorus girl represents the "slutty teenage daughter" meme you speak of? You cracked me up once again.
Bahahahhaha! Thanks, Frank. This article was my reward for finishing MY article. I saw that you'd published something, but I wouldn't let myself read it until I was all done. It was well worth the wait.
Always entertaining Frank!