American Idol Chicago Auditions

We open with My Kind of Town playing in the background while Seacrest explains how Chicago is the "jewel of the Midwest" and tells us what a warm welcome AI got there.

We cut to some girl cussing up a storm into a cell phone, followed by some fine Chicago residents flipping off the camera. Welcome to Chitown, y'all!

Ryan reminds us that President Obama is from there. We see him making his election night speech. A gaggle of AI wannabes all scream, "Yes we can!". I wonder how they'll react when the judges tell them that they can't.

Our guest judge tonight is Shania Twain. She's sold millions and millions of records and is a Country Western icon. Crazy-eyes Kara says she's going to stalk her. Run away Shania!

Katelyn Epperly is the first contestant. She has curly blond hair. That seems to be a theme this year. I've read that Randy Jackson has been saying on all of the talk shows that a girl is going to win this year. I'm starting to think it'll be a girl with curly blond hair.

Katlyn's producer placed lead-in piece tells us that her parents have recently split up. When Simon asks her why she's there, she says it's because of family problems. Huh? Wouldn't family counseling work better for that than airing your dirty laundry on national television?

She sings Duffy's "Syrup and Honey", but she doesn't sound anything like Duffy. She has a nice, kind of generic voice. But she's very pretty so all of the judges love her, except they want her to be more upbeat. Maybe once AI cures her family problems she will be.

Next some local guy tells us a bunch of Chicago's nicknames: Chitown, Second City, the Windy City, etc. I think they left off Carl Sanberg's "Hog butcher for the world", but that's for another show.

Self-proclaimed "Broadway Baby" Amy Lang is super excited to meet Ryan, since she's had an inappropriate dream about him. Ryan reacts to this with the usual horror he exhibits when faced with an amorous female.

Amy says she's going to sing "Doctor Feel Good". She falls to the floor like she's fainted or something, and then does a quasi-Broadway routine. For some reason Randy starts yelling about her boobs. Amy shakes her boobs around and Randy calls it boob boxing. The entire audition is a hot mess. The judges say they can't possibly take her seriously (after bringing up the whole boob thing) and send her on her way.

Seacrest talks about how everyone brings their friends and family to the audition. This leads us to Charity Vance, who works in her family's hair salon. We see her sweeping up hair in the producer piece.

She sings "Summertime". Charity has a soft, jazzy tone and a good range. She's also blond and pretty, so the judges put her through. Her huge family goes bonkers outside.

We get a montage of weirdo losers including a girl in a wedding dress, a guy in short shorts, some dweeb playing an accordion, and a freak skating around the waiting area.

Because the Chitown contestants suck so much, the judges take a break. A disgruntled mom tells Simon she doesn't like him anymore. In typical fashion, Simon good-naturedly informs her that she's wrong and that she actually loves him.

Oh look! It's Angela Martin! Could her third time be a charm? We remember with Angela about the time that her father died just before Hollywood, and that last year she had to leave because of a traffic warrant.

Angela sings "Just Fine" and the judges all praise her. They tell her how great it is that she never gives up and that she listens to criticism. Man, it's going to suck if she gets cut again this year.

Only seven people got golden tickets the first day. We didn't get to hear three of them, so I'm guessing they're either fodder or super-stealth contestants

Some guy named Curly is first up on the second day. He sings "A Woman's Work" in awful, screechy falsetto. Randy is cracking up the entire time. Simon laughs and asks Curly if a lot of animals show up when he sings. He's rejected.

Alannah Halbert is also screechy. The judges even try humming the right opening note and she still fails.

Next is a black and white silent movie of suckage. Ryan laments the lack of golden tickets.

Brain Krause is not going to help Ryan's cause. He was in the army and used to sing to the troops. He was asked to stop but he didn't. Brian says, "Screw you, Sergeant Harp! I'm the next American Idol!". Not so fast there, solider.

He sings "Tip Toe Through the Tulips" in the style of Tiny Tim. Kara asks him if it's a joke. Simon makes him swear on his mother that it's not a joke. I hope it's a joke, because if it isn't its very sad.

Harold Davis can hold a note for a very long time and declares himself going for the glory. He proclaims himself a champion, so that means he's going to suck, right?

He does suck. He gets credit in my book for hanging his head and pretending to fake cry. The judges all shout encouraging words as he exits to sad music playing in the background.

We're treated to yet another montage of people screaming and howling their songs.

Finally someone good! John Park has smoky, soulful voice. He's also way cute. Shania says he has a good bottom end. She means his tone, but the other judges are all twelve so they make a big deal out of it. Then Shania says he has nice lips while playing with the strings on the neck of her blouse. Then she says he has a good head? I don't know. Kara and Shania both say they were surprised by John. Why? Because he's an Asian guy singing soul? I guess they've forgotten all about Anoop. Anyway, the judges all love him and so do I.

Our feel good story of the night is Paige Dechause. She almost died from an asthma attack when she was 15. Her mother says she only had a 30% chance of living when it happened. Yikes! Paige sings "A Chang is Going to Come". Simon says no and calls it indulgent. The other three send her through. Her huge family is ecstatic!

Justin Ray Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones also get golden tickets. We only get to see snippets of their auditions because we had to see the sucky people instead. What's up with that, show?

In all, only 13 people out of 12,000 got golden tickets in Chicago. Tomorrow night: Orlando!