'American Idol' L.A.: Worst Episode Ever?

Thursday night's "American Idol" Los Angeles audition episode could have been relabeled "Parade of Freaks." I will admit that I haven't seen every season of "AI," but I'm willing to bet this ranks up there as one of, if not the absolute worst "Idol" episode ever. With only a few glimpses of actual talent, way too much focus on delusional wannabes and a heap of awkward judging banter, this was one painful hour of reality TV.

"American Idol" tried explaining it all by saying some of these frightening individuals were the result of careful selection from thousands of MySpace video auditions. Apparently that careful selection was trying to find people to point and laugh at for an hour. When the new "American Idol" judges panel started this season, it was a relief to see the kinder, gentler atmosphere. Now it seems the producers are trying to recapture former glory by having Steven Tyler and J-Lo make fun of people, and neither one seems very good at it. Steven told the first screechy contestant of the night that she was going to Siberia instead of Hollywood, then told her she had a "sweet and angelic, but baaaad voice." Jennifer's look of "Whaaa?" said it all. Dude's not good at this. Just let him be nice.

One of the few tolerable moments of the night came early, with L.A. contestant Tim Halperin. Smitten with Ms. Lopez, Tim crooned Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved" to the lady herself, who rewarded him with a glowing smile and dreamy gaze for the entire performance. When Tim confessed his crush, Jennifer asked the handsome 23 year old his age, which prompted him to ask "How old are you?" Randy and Steven started in with the teasing, but J-Lo quickly shot back with "I'm young enough for you." You go, girl! The judges rightfully noted that Tim's vocals needed a bit more work, but they acknowledged his "nice tone" with a golden ticket to "American Idol" Hollywood.

The next "American Idol" Los Angeles segment, featuring buddies Daniel Gomez and Isaac Rodriguez, was a painful illustration of the World of Delusion. Though it will probably be most painful for Mrs. Rodriguez, who didn't yet know that her son had dropped out of college to pursue his dream of being a music star. Daniel and Isaac proved to have no singing ability whatsoever, though at least they were sweetly bad instead of aggressively bad. The three judges tried to be kind by pointing out how cute the boys were, but urged them to try something else. "You're relatively tone deaf," Randy said, laying down the honest truth to Daniel. Isaac tried protesting and said he'd go home and practice more, but the seed of Reality may have been planted. Singing again for each other and the "American Idol" cameras, the two guys looked like they suddenly heard each other for the first time--and it wasn't good. Here's hoping Isaac gets himself back in school before Mom finds out.

In one of our few glimpses of actual talent, "American Idol" threw in a brief segment with MySpace contestant Karen Rodriguez, attractive from her loose curly hair to her leather jacket to her skinny pants.Then there was the rich, soulful vocals and the evidence of real, natural talent. Steven loved her confidence and ability, and Jennifer admired her vocal control--for what turned out to be the second time. Turns out Karen had serenaded J-Lo on an episode of TRL and the "AI" judge had been encouraging--rightfully so. Hopefully we'll get to hear more of Karen in Hollywood.

I feel about as articulate as Randy Jackson trying to find another word for "pitchy" when it comes to the next train wreck of an "American Idol" contestant. Tynisha Roches, with her extreme straight hair and bangs, thin square eyebrows and her own prop microphone, defies complete description. You had to see her to believe her. All scattered randomness and weird theatricality, her bizarre audition of crazy non-notes and absent melody prompted Randy to ask "Why must we do this?" Not impressed with Randy's rejection, Tynisha launched into "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," more as a threat than an actual song, and proceeded to follow the departing Randy out of the room, insisting vocally that he "love her." It was so bad and surreal I'm almost inclined to believe the whole thing was staged. It was Alternate Dimension Idol.

Jennifer's favorite Tynisha line, which should do for all delusional contestants, was "I have like three albums that are ready to be composed." Good stuff. Followed by the calling of "Security!"

I've been questioning the taste of the "American Idol" panel during these auditions, but this next Los Angeles auditioner really damaged their credibility. As Steven Tyler provided some beat box music, contestant Heidi Khzam belly danced for the judges. Then she attempted to sing "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys. Lovely dancer, not good singer. Steven and Randy weren't voting with their ears, however, and shockingly gave her a golden ticket. Jennifer Lopez was Not. Amused. Neither are we.

I'm losing the will to go on at this point. Next up, "American Idol" treated us to Matt "Big Stats" Frankel, a self-proclaimed freelance music producer with "millions, erm, bunches" of clients. He also claimed to have a "compilation" disk with Chaka Khan, which we're assuming means he figured out how to download his favorite songs on iTunes onto a CD. A large man in a sharp suit and slicked-back hair, "Big Stats" had fashioned a rap persona for himself. His excuse for his bizarrely rambled rap and sampling of J-Lo tunes was "I needed to lubricate up a bit." Steven made a pun about Matt's "strong suit" being the one he was wearing, and the wannabe "Idol" was sent on his way. "Talk about delusional," Randy muttered as he left, prompting Steven to shrug and reply, "Well, it IS L.A."

At this point my mind is wandering, and I'm looking at "American Idol" judge Jennifer Lopez in her silk head scarf, and all I can hear is Sally Field in "Soapdish" yelling "David, I realize I'm not a young woman, but would you please tell our new fashion designer that I don't feel right in a turban? What I feel like is Gloria f#$ing Swanson!"

But I digress. After another montage of bad "American Idol" singers, including a guy actually trying to recapture the "magic" of "Pants on the Ground," we were thrown a crazy little brother duo. Self-described "scrawny kids" with fashion scarves, Mark and Aaron Gutierrez were all about familial love and love of music. The adorably energetic brothers auditioned together for the judges, wowing them with an exquisitely harmonized "Lean on Me." It was the most gorgeous sound we'd heard all day, which is way too faint of a compliment considering what a nuclear waste dump the Los Angeles auditions had been. Overwhelmed by hearing such a beautiful sound on such an awful day, Steven called it "god-like, it was unreal--just what we needed." The boys were humbled and happy, and they're going on to "American Idol" in Hollywood.

Instead of ending on this lovely note, "American Idol" decided to devote what seemed another hour to Cooper Robinson, a street performer who resembled James Brown, aside from the feathered hat, epaulets, pirate boots and enough bling that he jingled when he walked. The 59 year old said he was from an Arkansas plantation set "deep in the woods," giving a description of the dangers like it was straight out of a horror film. I'm sure you can guess that, despite his intense proclamations that he was going to be the next "American Idol," Cooper got three "no" votes.

I'm not sure what "American Idol" was angling for with this L.A. audition episode. Surely there must be someone in California who knows how to sing, and we really didn't need to spend an hour watching all of the strange and untalented people that will never get anywhere near a successful singing career. Add to that the fact that some of these people may have actually been mentally ill, making it an extraordinarily uncomfortable viewing experience. Do these people really need mockery on national TV to add to their list of woes?

Previews of the start of Hollywood week focused on the heartbreak we knew was coming. After handing out golden tickets like free candy, the "American Idol" judges now have to brutally eliminate all of those people they showered undeserving praise on, getting their hopes up just to have them immediately dashed in Hollywood. That ought to be fun.

Watch "American Idol" every Wednesday and Thursday night at 8/7c. Check local listings, as times are always subject to change.

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