American Idol: The Misfits and Others Who Can't Sing

One of the pro grammes on TV that I don't want to miss would be American Idol. Not the actual American Idol where the few who can actually sing a note or two appear on stage, surrounded by cheering fans. No, I like the auditions a whole lot better.

Since I am absolutely tone deaf and can't sing myself nor play an instrument (this might be seen as a blessing for man-kind) I should be the last one to criticize. Although my singing sounds vaguely like a mix between Barbara Streisand and Caren Carpenter with a hint of Diana Ross, this singing is restricted to the shower. The ceramic tiles have excellent acoustic qualities and my hairbrush makes a good microphone. Strangely when I open the bathroom door this effect is gone and so is my voice. I return to be the crow with severe asthma I was before. And my family sighs with relief.

Unfortunately not so on American Idol. These folks should have taken the bathroom with them. But even then the experience would have been sheer misery. Not for them; they are convinced they have wonderful voices. Their "Momma" told them so and they have been singing in church. So what on earth are those 3 on about? "I can"t sing?" ,is asked with a stunned face about 99% of the time. "No, I have never heard anything so horrible in my entire life" is usually replied by Simon. "Are you sure?" . Hoping that Simon's capacity to see a world talent has temporarily left him. "Yes I'm sure, and goodbye". Another one is:"But I'm in love with you Simon". Methinks the 50 million greenbacks safely tucked away in an off-shore account have something to do with it. And also that he's telling the truth and doesn't care what anybody thinks. Yes, we're all slightly in love with him too, even if he was butt-ugly.Simon lacks the "feminine" side completely, which makes him very attractive.

So while Randy and Paula keep the Kleenex handy as well as the family-sized Prozac, and a bottle of cheap whiskey,Simon is having a good time.

For people who have never seen A.I : These auditions go right throughout the US and most of the time, as far as I can discern, to places where they attract the strangest characters. It takes a bit of imagination, but picture a whole stadium full of weirdos.Who think they can sing like an angel. Isn't that mind-boggling?When the Golden Trio (Simon,Paula and Randy) look out of the window in the morning they must think the circus has arrived.

What are all these aspiring world-class artists thinking when they dress for an audition like this? "Oh, there's my Halloween suit, let's wear that today because my jeans are in the washing machine"? or "Oh, there was all my make-up from the eighties, you know what, I put everything on my face now until it's all used up and can throw the empty jars away."? Another one I can imagine is:"Hon, have you seen my lederhosen, yes the ones we bought in Austria while at Jodle-Camp". And I can think of many more, if only AC would let me write 634 other pages about this fascinating subject.

Anyway, I have to rehearse my own repertoire now, to get ready when A.I comes to my town. I'll be singing a medley of Barbara Streisand and Caren Carpenter with some Diana Ross thrown in accompanied by a banjo. AndI'll be dressed in a clowns suit. Or like Bigfoot. So you can recognize me on TV.