'American Idol' Recap: The Top 13

So last night we had our Top 13 take the stage and give us the songs of their music Idols coached by the lovely Jimmy Iovine. It was ok...nothing too spectacular to note. Mostly resurrected awful songs from when I was in High School. I do however, like the new producer led mentoring, and it was very cool to see Don Was in there getting his hands dirty with this new crop of Idols.

As for the judges, it's time to be a little harsher, guys. I get that for the most part, there aren't any stinkers this season, but enough kittens and lollipops. Don't hem and haw about telling someone they stink. What would Simon do? Throw out a few 'dreadfuls' and 'cruise performances' and let them know what they're wearing is hideous, because there was some of that going on last night, and quite frankly it was a missed opportunity.

Let's recap.

Lauren Alaina - Any Man of Mine, Shania Twain

Zzzzzz....what? What? A 16 year old girl took the stage dressed like a heffalump and sang the worst Shania Twain song ever? I must've dozed off. Listen, this girl has a great voice and Shania is some easy stuff to sing, so I wasn't clear on the off key warbling at the beginning and then her backup singers trying to help her stay on the beat. Did you see that? If you have it DVR'ed, look at it again.

Personally I thought it stunk, and I don't like the way the judges molly-coddle her because she's a kid. If you're gonna run with the big dogs, you have to be a big dog too, dawg. So what if she pouts and kicks rocks? She'll be better for it. And can wardrobe help a girl out here? Yikes.

Casey Abrams - With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Cocker

Well this performance made me feel all Winnie Cooper inside... Casey brought the soul and did a pretty ok job with this song, I guess. I don't know, he's ok. He seems so forced and dopey sometimes, that I wish he would just stand up and sing. But what do I know? He got the Steven Tyler "Zeeple-dee bop de bop!" stamp of approval, Jennifer Lopez's tears, and a solid, "DAWG" from Randy. He's in.

Ashthon Jones When You Tell Me That You Love Me - Diana Ross

Does anybody out there believe that Diana Ross is really Ashthon Jones' idol? Really? Seems a bit too clever and over done after J.Lo calling her Diana Ross last week. And Holy Silver Eyeshadow, Batman...I'm surprised the girl could even blink.

Anyway, she stunk up the place pretty bad. Let's face it, she got the Wild Card on a wing and a prayer that she would step up her game because AI needs a female star this season, and she's just failing all over the place with flying colors. Simon Cowell would have walked up on stage, ripped her mic out of her hands and hit her over the head with it, but these judges? Nada. Randy knew she sang the ENTIRE SONG out of key and only managed to guffaw that she 'grew as a singer' in that failure. Barf. And you could so tell that Steven Tyler wanted to tell her what's up, but he censored himself and said something like, 'there's more to you than that crap' or whatever. Blargh...get this girl out of here...

Paul McDonald- Come Pick Me Up, Ryan Adams

Ok I'll admit...at first blush I was all, "OH HELL YESSSS! BRYAN ADAMS IN THE HOUSE!" Then my dream turned to dust as Paul informed us that it was Ryan with an R Adams, and who cares about him, anyway? Like Ashthon, Paul stunk and no one had the nads to tell him. I fully believe that at one point he was singing nothing but jibberish, sort of stumbling aimlessly around the stage. Yuck. I get that he has a unique sound, but he stinks too. G'bye.

Pia Toscano - All By Myself, Eric Carmen Celine Dion

So Pia went out there and sang a cover of a cover, which made me giggle at the irony. But I'll give props where they are clearly due, and she won the night hands down. The judges appeared to think so too, and there isn't much to say after that. She just needs to loosen up a bit. It all seems very over thought and contrived sometimes, but based on vocals, she wins.

James Durbin - Maybe I'm Amazed, Paul McCartney

Much like the sweet anticipation of a possible Bryan Adams song, I got VERY excited that Screech (sans tail) picked Paul McCartney. Oh the things he could do with this! I was on the edge of my seat fingers crossed that it would be Oh Darling! and it was that hokey Amazed song. Complete with cheese whiz oozing ending. Gag. I think Steven kind of felt the same way with his round-about way of saying that James put everything he had in the 'middle'...Jennifer clapped like a seal, and Randy 'Yo, yo, dude, dawg'-ed it up. James Durbin will see another week, folks.

Hailey Reinhart - Blue, Patsy Cline Leanne Rimes

Ha! Again with the cover of a cover! Brilliant, yo! Just what Idol is all about for me. So Hailey teamed up with Rock Mafia to do this classic country song, and I think she was robbed a bit. She sang it well, didn't do any horrible gyrating, and ya gotta love a yodeler, but Randy was getting hungry at this point and took his blood-sugar rage out on poor lil' Wheeling native Hailey. Big meanie. She might be in danger, but I hope not. The girl has potential, and I'm not just saying that out of love for another Idol coming out of HS District 211.

Jacob Lusk - I Believe I Can Fly, R. Kelly

Ugh, I can't stand this kid. Sure he's swell and nice with the perpetual freaking out endearing him to me a little, but HE CAN'T SING. And ever since someone referred to him as 'Slimer' from the Ghostbusters movies, I can't stop crying with laughter when I watch him. Dude, if you can't stay on key with a gospel choir behind you, you have issues. But again, the judges go all scared of doing their jobs, and basically shrugged their shoulders. Randy sorta, kinda maaaaybe tried to say something, but I'll say it. Awful. Butchered, horrible, off key, wailing. He's safe another week, but damn...he shouldn't be.

Thia Megia - Smile, Charlie Chaplin , Michael Jackson

I don't know who Charlie Chapman is either, Thia, but I do know that you butchered and killed Charlie Chaplin's song via the ghost of Michael Jackson. The judges were right about the Jazzy part not working, but that's because Thia's pitch can't meet those flatter notes of the arrangement. If Jimmy Iovine would take off the red headphones for a minute, he would have heard that.

Something about Thia reminds me of the robot from Small Wonder, doesn't she? Like she's not human, but a programmed android of pop music. I think she lives to see another week, but she'll have to not suck next week.

Stefano Langone - Lately, Stevie Wonder

Well Stefano didn't stink. Good for him. I was worried about the disco remix of the song, but he made it work, and Jennifer resumed the happy seal-clapping because it made her want to dance. And a dancing J.Lo is a happy J.Lo.

Karen Rodriguez - I Could Fall in Love, Selena

Hmmm...I like Karen, I do. But the whole playing to Jennifer Lopez with the Selena song that is in a key only Selena can sing was a mess. Randy was right, she was fighting the song because it's not in her range. Go ahead, try to sing that song. It seems very easy because there are no runs in it or anything, but it is in an impossible key. Poor Karen, she might be in danger this week.

Scotty McCreery - The River, Garth Brooks (not as Chris Gaines)

He's effing Golden. The boy can do no wrong, and he and Pia are going to be the ones to slug this one out. Good for you Elfie McCreepy, now let's hear something a little different next time.

Naima Adedapo - Umbrella, Rhianna

Oh Scary Spice Goldberg...that's my new name for Adema because she looks like the love child of Mel Spice and Whoopi Goldberg... she has charisma and didn't do so bad with that horrible song that etches itself into your brain so that for 36 hours straight you're ending all of your sentences with "ella, ella ay, ay, ay." She's safe. She needs to bust out some Macy Gray, Mary J. Blige or En Vogue, but it was a decent attempt.

So that was the Top 13. Ready to make some predictions? Hmmm....I say the bottom are Lauren Alaina, Thia Megia, and Haley Reinhart with Lauren going home. But that's just me. Who do you think is getting the boot tonight?

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