American Idol, Season 8 - Group Three of Top 36

We open with a shot of the Idol hopefuls lined up on the staircase. If they are, as usual, lined up in order of performance, then Lil Rounds has the pimp spot, to absolutely no-one's great shock or even mild surprise. Ryan looks natty in a dark brown dress shirt and flat-front chinos that look casual but probably cost more than my house.

The first six finalists are introduced again, because we are thought to be entering early-onset dementia like Simon (evidence will be presented shortly). Allison is wearing a bright purple shirt to go with her bright red hair. Vibrant! Ryan introduces the judges but only banters with Simon-some crap about having him pick songs for the contestants. He says he will from now on, but we know if that happens, Randy will complain about song choice for every contestant just to mess with Simon, because that shit's hilarious when you are only three years old.

In his video package, Von Smith acknowledges the screaminess of his earlier songs, so tonight he will be toning things down whilst singing "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye. He looks very clean-cut in his Justin-Timberlake-inspired suit-with-sneakers ensemble. He does well; I'm not sure there is an emotional connection, but technically it was very good. Randy liked it better than his Hollywood performances. Kara gets downright passionate about how well he did and how awesome he is. Paula admires his showmanship, and Simon is reminded of Clay Aiken. Von reminds me of Donny Osmond, personally, but I can see why Clay Aiken might be a little more relevant to the show. He seems very humble and grateful for the praise, not the show-offy kid we saw in Hollywood, and I think he'll do well in the voting unless he is forgotten in the wake of better performances.

Taylor Vaifanua is only 17, but like Allison, she looks older. Unlike Allison, she acts fairly mature, as well, which will probably be a disadvantage with the judges, who apparently can't handle a teenager who isn't actually skipping rope and popping bubble gum. Her version of "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys is very pretty; she sings better than I remember, with power and a lack of pitch problems, although she could benefit from learning breath control. As I expected, however, the judges aren't pleased: Kara starts on the dogpile, accusing Taylor of not having a personality. Paula was disappointed that Taylor chose a song that she'd performed before, although she apparently didn't mind hearing Nick/Norman tear through a third rendition of "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going". Simon messes with Kara, then says he can't remember Taylor, and Randy says it was fine, but boring, and there you have it, folks: Taylor, damned by faint praise, doesn't have a chance.

Alex Wagner-Trugman will be singing Elton John's "I Guess Why They Call it the Blues", so I guess Sir Elton doesn't think the show is racist anymore, or he just likes money a lot. It starts out kind of pitchy, then wastes no time becoming a sonic apocalypse. If I had a dog, it would be howling, or laughing, or at least giving me that extremely put-upon look that dogs have managed to perfect. Paula starts, complimenting Alex's showmanship in pretty much the same way she complimented Nick-as-Norman, who at least was cheesy on purpose. Simon brings the pain, as is his wont. When the audience boos him, he responds with, "May I remind you that on this show, we do not allow democracy." Which is a funny thing to say about a show that ostensibly moves forward according to votes, isn't it? I'll let the conspiracy theorists chew on that one. Randy says Alex screamed the song, and Kara kindly allows for the clearly doomed notion that Alex might grace the stage again at any point after tomorrow's results show. Ryan douches around with the mic stand that Alex accidentally knocked over while Alex looks scared, lost, and hopeless. Aw, Alex. I'm sorry.

Arianna Afsar, whose last name sounds like an acronym for a charity (oh, that's AmFAR, right), receives a unanimous vote of "cute as a button" from the judges, but since she's not Bikini Girl, she's much happier to receive compliments on her actual singing. She performs a strangely low-key, dragging arrangement of "Winner Takes it All" by ABBA. It's uneven, vocally, but she finishes fairly strong. Simon goes first and excoriates her. Like me, he hated the arrangement, and, as predicted, he takes personal offense that she chose a song that's older than she is. Randy and Kara check into that same hotel room. Although Paula tries to slow down the speeding car of downerism, Arianna, cute as she is, isn't going to make it off the crosswalk. Splat!

Ju'Not Joyner is a great singer with an impossibly cute, tiny son. I initially think it is a mistake for Ju'Not, who sounds like a slightly raspier John Legend, to sing a song as blatantly unchallenging as "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White Ts, but perhaps it's just because I hate that damn song. But wow, he does such a wonderful job! This was really great-he actually made it not only listenable, but enjoyable. He was probably scared about his slowed-down arrangement after Arianna got raked over the coals for hers, but the judges loved it as much as I did. Randy amuses himself by saying "Ju'Not, you know" repeatedly, because he is three years old. Kara liked it smooth, but she thinks he should get wild on the next one. Paula misses the adorable toddler (not Randy) and mentions Taylor, whom Simon does not remember even though she literally sang three people ago. Well, he said he wouldn't remember her; it's good to know he's at least aware of his condition. He actually shows Ju'Not the courtesy to get his name right, and then weird things happen with references to cortisone and butts, I kid you not. Anyway, he sang great and should do well.

Kristen McNamara is-heh-a karaoke host. Much is made of Kristen's dramathon experience in Hollywood with Headband Boy and Ghetto She-Ra, but she refuses to take the bait, unlike Nathan, who dives in with both feet. Again. Singing Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason to Stay", she displays her impressive vocal range, which the judges like, but she also cheeses it up with extra Velveeta, adding little yelps of "yeah!" and "whoo!" and "let's go!", like the karaoke diva she is. Randy is the only one who calls her on that. Much more is made of her tragic sartorial choices, which she cutely cops to. I'm a little worried about Kristen's chances tonight. None of the other girls has been better, but I expect we're looking at another one-female (Lil Rounds), two-male result tomorrow. Too bad; I think Kristen's got mad skills. She should be a good shot for the wild card round, at least.

Nathaniel Marshall wears the world's most hideous outfit to sing "I Would do Anything for Love" by Meat Loaf, a song that, as I mentioned previously, I think Adam would blow away. Nathan does not blow it away. He doesn't suck, but it's really a non-event. Perhaps to make up for this utter lack of pizzazz, the judges have an extended chatfest about what a fun person Nathan is, and then Ryan tries to take it to some kind of circus place that, frankly, I will not tax myself to recount here.

Felicia Barton, whom we know solely as The Girl Who Replaced Joanne Pacitti, sings "No One" by Alicia Keys. My husband finds it kind of shouty, although that is kind of the way Alicia sings it. Problem is, it sounds like Felicia really is trying to sing it exactly like Alicia, which is such a wrong move on this show. Paula loves it, Simon calls Felicia on the copycatting, Randy cautions against it, and Kara calls her on her pitchy notes but compliments her look and also her stage presence, which is actually quite a big deal to hear from a professional. She's talented, but she certainly didn't make this one her own.

Scott MacIntyre, the adorable blind guy with the adorable family, is singing "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby, whose ghost is forever stuck in the 80s. Scott has quite a lovely voice, actually; it's much better than I gave him credit for, so I will promptly apologize for that nonsense right now. One thing I notice is that he is enunciating each word of the lyrics very clearly. I wonder if that has anything to do with his being visually impaired? After all, when you can see whomever is speaking to you, it's easier to understand them, because we all do a little subconscious lip-reading. Since blind people would only have sound to go by, the more clear-spoken one is, the better. Oh, well; back to the show. Randy struggles to talk above the continued audience screaming for Scott's performance and eventually we learn that he can feel the passion. Kara loves him and can't wait to see him at the piano. Paula also holds him up as an inspiration. Simon pees in the soup by dissing the song's lyrics, like that's any fault of Scott's, then says Scott is the only one he'll remember (don't be so sure, Captain Senility!) and predicts that Scott will "sail through to the next round". Scott sweetly allows Ryan to redeem his history of insensitivity to handicapped people by high-fiving him, then Ryan un-redeems himself by saying, "One day, I'll describe my friend Simon for you." Oh, Ryan, you adorable dickwad, you.

Kendall Beard, who shared with us her rich-girl philosophy that as long as she had to get on a plane to go to an audition, why not make it Puerto Rico, is performing "This One's for the Girls" by American Idol's favorite country muse, Martina McBride. She does fine, mostly, but there are some unmistakably bum notes in the mix, including her big finish. Kara tries to salvage the performance by complimenting her appearance and personality. Paula gives her the "best dress" award, to which I will stipulate, but I question the accessories: The belt is adorned with a large nosegay of what appears to be assorted animal parts: feathers, fur, twigs, fairy dust, etc. Kendall is cute, too, but she didn't sing as well as she needed to in order to get through this round.

Jorge Nuñez, another contestant I haven't heretofore been that psyched about, turns in an impressive and sensitive performance of Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me", the title of which always turns me into Beavis and Butthead for a minute. His vocals are pitch-perfect, controlled, and build nicely to a powerful finish, and he seems quite comfortable on stage. It's wicked good, as my New England peeps would say, and Paula gives a solo standing O at the end. Following as it does a video in which Jorge's accent is offered as a potential stumbling block, the first thing out of Paula's mouth is praise for his enunciation. Simon then negates Paula by claiming Jorge's accent is totally cool with him. Randy cuts through the debate to praise the singing, thank goodness. Aw, our little Randy is growing up. Kara makes Jorge cry, which makes Paula cry, except that Jorge is crying for real. He is genuine, sweet, and talented, but not as cute as his competitors (his dad is hot down to the floor, though!), so there goes the tween vote. Can he mobilize other fans?

Lil Rounds is in the pimp spot, looking gorgeous in a bootylicious black and yellow dress. Her video showcases the ceaseless fawning of the judges over this mother of three, and she will sing Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You" as a shout-out to her kids. She definitely has stage presence, has all of her facial expressions and gestures in order, and makes a definite connection with the crowd, but as for the singing? It was just a'ight for me, Dawg. Good, but not splendid, with a few off notes. So will the judges keep it real or keep pushing the Lil Rounds brand? Oh, what the hell do you think? Simon promises to keep it brief, then snatches that promise right back as he piles on the praise. Randy pours some praise sauce on top of the mound. Kara busts out the ebonics ("you still da powerhouse") in order to bond with her chocolate sistah and flings praise sprinkles with both hands. Finally, Paula floats by, plunking a praise cherry on top and making a funny crack about seeing this contestant "for many more lil' rounds". Hee!

The video recap shows us Von Smith (remember him?), looking like Donny Osmond and singing not unlike Donny Osmond; Taylor Vaifanua being pretty great, however unappreciated; Alex Wagner-Trugman attempting to do his vocal cords and my ears permanent harm; Arianna being forgettable; Ju'Not being low-key and fabulous; Kristen growling and cheesing it up but still bringing it; Nathaniel bringing the fashion pain but sounding good; Felicia, whom I had already forgotten even sang; Scott being awesome; Jorge being awesome, and Lil, being very good, just not as good as we were led to believe.

It's tough to pick only three people from this round, as so many were quite good. Well, we can eliminate Alex right off the bat, from both the top 3 and the wild card round. Arianna and Kendall didn't rise to anyone's expectations, either. Felicia's vocals were good, if unoriginal, but her lack of airtime will have deprived her of a fan base. Taylor is this week's Mishavonna, so she won't go through but may get a callback to the wild card round. Unfortunately for Kristen, Lil probably has the Chick Spot by birthright, and the male-female ratio will likely hold, denying her a chance at coming in third. The good news for her is that she will probably succeed in the wild card round, where her gender may work in her favor as the judges try to balance out the ratio.

That leaves Von, Ju'Not, Nathaniel, Jorge and Scott battling it out for the Top Guy and Cute Boy spots. Von's and Nathan's performances did not have the emotional resonance of Jorge's and Scott's, and Ju'Not's, despite being lovely to my ears, may not have, as well. My picks for likely Top 3? Lil, Jorge and Scott. Ju'Not has a chance, too, but I think everybody else will have to pray to the wild card gods. Catch you tomorrow!