American Idol Season 8 Recap: The Top 5 Perform Songs from the Rat Pack Era

Ryan Seacrest tells us that "the intensity of this competition is a constant evolution". Um, say what? Ponder that during the credits, ye unwashed hordes! Ryan's mic is turned on so we can hear him clumping down the Busby Berkley Stairs, and Jillian Barbieri is a happy clapper.

The judges are introduced. Randy and Kara believe in cheering heartily for themselves, but Paula, wrapped up like a present in her red satin dress, takes the classy road and just waves graciously. Simon offers a toast from his Coke cup. Lori Loughlin loves Simon. Man, if Jillian Barbieri and Lori Laughlin are the best we can do...bring Katie Couric back! The band is swingin' tonight, Rat Pack style!

The Idolettes are produced from behind the rather balky Let's Make a Deal door, chatting as they stride forward. They are all dressed to the nines in honor of Rat Pack week, and all I can say is thank heavens somebody else picked out Allison's clothes for a change. HUBBA HUBBA!! Gorgeous dress and a wash of dark lowlights to tone down the Crayolatude of her hair. This is exactly what I wanted to see, but I really didn't think I'd get it.

Jamie freakin' Foxx is the mentor? He is mad talented, but among those talents I do not count "great vocalist", let alone "ability to teach others to be great vocalists". This is going to be interesting. I suppose he's more qualified to teach than Quentin Tarantino, who doesn't even sing, but...ohhhhhhhhhh, right...he's got a new movie out. Hey, it's with Robert Downey Jr., as a matter of fact. He's totally going to be in the Twilight Zone when he sees Danny Gokey, then.

Kris Allen leads the show with "The Way You Look Tonight". Jamie Foxx offers no musical advice to Kris and then tells us listeners are "going to be blown away and not even know it." WTF does that even mean, Jamie? Do you have any idea? Kris sings the song with a very straightforward arrangement, and it sounds nice. He has a pretty falsetto. This crooning style is perfect for Kris because it requires no power notes, just a pretty-sounding voice, and he delivers that. Kara says something rashly stupid about Kris setting the technical bar "so incredibly high", which: Good lord, lady, it was nice, but it wasn't the damn Second Coming. Simon goes to the puppy-dog place, but correctly. He also uses the adjective "wet" to describe singing, and since Kris is not particularly phlegmy tonight, I don't know what the hell Simon's talking about, nor does anyone else, and his refusal to explain brings much mocking upon him.

Next, Allison Iraheta gets a Stool Chat (ew!) to tell Ryan she's scared of the evil boys (not!) and that she just turned 17. She dorks around about having a surprise party which her family was there for, so that's pretty sweet. After more non-advice from Jamie, Allison sings "Someone to Watch Over Me", which I would cite as a perfect song choice for her, so well done. She avoids the tricky key changes of the verses and makes much of the bridge and choruses. She does very well, vocally, but for some reason I am not feelin' it. My husband disagrees completely and can't stop saying "Wow," which gets old rather quickly, dear. Randy, Kara and Paula gush, but Simon agrees with me. I also note at this point that we are no longer revolving which judge gets to go first, leaving Lord Cowell with the last word every time. Kiss my ring, minions!

Matt Giraud Stool Chats with Ryan about how he is psyched for tonight because he actually studied jazz in school, so certainly that explains the Coldplay obsession. Jamie gives Matt actual singing advice (on the second trip, at least), then displays an amusing amount of confidence in his ability as a vocal coach. Ego, much? Matt is singing "My Funny Valentine", and it starts out bad and gets only marginally better (the last note is rather nice). Having had to learn this song for a choral performance, I can tell you it is incredibly difficult to sing because of the very tricky key changes characteristic of jazz numbers. Allison's song is similarly tough, but her arrangement smartly allowed her to skip the hardest parts. Matt barrels right through them and sounds atrocious.

Randy and Kara rightly give it a drubbing, but Paula offers some unearned praise, and Simon does something that makes my brain fall completely out of my head: He agrees with Paula, calling it "absolutely brilliant", and compares Matt to Nat King Cole, which is sufficient grounds for burning Simon in effigy, I think. My only explanation for this heresy is that Simon is trying to use reverse psychology to lull Matt's fans away from defensive voting, but after this travesty, will he have any fans left?

Danny Gokey is up next, and Jamie Foxx pulls some jive-ass "I am in your FACE! Sing at me! Up in your FACE!" crap that also does not count as vocal coaching, and Danny's like, "I'm sure you didn't pull this shit on Downey", then he sings "Come Rain or Come Shine", and it's good. Strong start, very smooth, not shouty. He adds some nice growly bits as it builds. Powerful finish with control. I loved this! Best he's done in a while. Unlike with Allison's performance, when this ends I'm like, "YEAH! Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!" The judges loved it too, although Simon freaks me out again by praising Jamie Foxx's advice and by agreeing with Kara. He even compliments the band! What the hell is in his Coke cup tonight?

Ryan announces that Adam Lambert is going to be singing "Feelin' Good", and I immediately start to panic. OMG, that song is CURSED! NO, Adam, NOOOO!!! What are you DOING??? Seriously, folks, everyone who has sung that damn song on this show has gone straight home, do-not-pass-GO, etc. Weird, because it's a great song and doesn't even seem that hard to sing, so it must be cursed. Well, if anyone can break the curse, it's Adam, because as we all know, he dares to dance in the path of greatness with his special sauce, and he probably flings that sauce laughingly in the face of all curses on that path. Jamie Foxx literally has no advice whatsoever for Adam Lambert, and it is obvious he as gobsmacked by the young man as we are.

So Adam is on the Busby Berkley Stairs in a shiny white suit, black shirt and white tie, looking awesomely Guys and Dolls, and then he starts singing, and my notes just say "WOW WOW WOW WOW". Verbatim. He. Tears. It. Up. This is no longer some little talent show, okay? This is an actual performance, a concert, a minute-and-a-half long Vegas show, and we are here to see Adam Lambert, the headliner. When he finishes, the audience and the Canaries lose their collective shit for about 5 months. Randy approves, Kara babbles like a crazy person, Paula goes with the Michael Phelps comparison, and Simon makes fun of Randy and thinks Adam has ruined the Busby Berkley Stairs for Ryan in much the same way Mr. Canary has ruined me for other men, if ya know what I mean. Hee! As they stand together, I notice Ryan's suit is the negative of Adam's suit.

Since there are only five contestants left, I suspect there will only be a bottom two this week. Matt is the clear choice to go home, because it is obvious that he looked at a song list, saw "My Funny Valentine" and decided to sing it because he recognized it, without bothering to determine whether he could sing it (answer: No), and we are tired of this. He has blown too many chances, let us down too many times.

But who will join him in the cellar? Adam and Danny are untouchable tonight, so that leaves Allison and Kris. Allison sang better, but Kris is more popular. Nevertheless, he went first and was less memorable, and since Anoop's and Lil's voters are going to be too disgusted to pick up the phone for Matt, I'm guessing Lil's people will vote for Allison and Anoop's will be split by Kris and Danny, thereby putting Kris on the DoomStool next to Matt.

Bat Canary is happy, Dear Readers, because she predicted that Matt would be out next, and Matt seems to have made it a pretty easy call. She is especially happy that the show didn't run disastrously long again, because she forgot to tell her DVR to record Fringe.

Bat Rankings (tonight's performances)

1. Adam Lambert

2. Danny Gokey

3. Allison Iraheta

4. Kris Allen

5. Matt Giraud - dunzo