American Idol Season 8 Recap: The Top 4 on Rock and Roll Night

The shock of Adam in the bottom two is replayed, just in case we'd stopped trembling in terror. The person who actually did go home, Matt Giraud, isn't even mentioned, because no one exists outside of American Idol unless they've won some award the show can take credit for. Ryan tells us that "an accident" happened onstage in order to get everyone all in a lather of dread that one of the contestants has been injured, then admits that a big sign fell over sideways, hurting noone, just kind of hanging there like the American Idol Logo of Damocles, so the contestants didn't get a dress rehearsal. Oh, damn, that means Paula's going to have to critique the actual performances!

We are also told that the Idolettes will team up for duets tonight, and I'm like, IT'S ABOUT TIME! They should have had "duets night" every time they've had an even number of male and female contestants each season. So You Think You Can Dance manages it every single week, after all. Program note: SYTYCD starts Thursday, May 21^st! Be there!

The judges are introduced. Randy is wearing a bedazzled sky blue t-shirt with the Chinese characters for "speaks much, says little", Kara is like a schoolmarm-turned-biker-chick, and Paula's wearing a rather ordinary-looking striped frock in muted colors (what's up with that?). Maybe she dressed to match Simon, who's in a grey v-necked sweater. Stop calling Simon before the show to see what he's wearing, Paula, he'll just bring you down!

The Idolettes are all wearing black leather in honor of Rock Week except for Danny, who is wearing a giant red shirt in honor of KC from last week. Even adorable gummi-bear Kris is rockin' the leathers pretty convincingly. You know his wife is all like, "Hey, you're going to be able to keep that, right?" She's probably getting as tired of all the farmer plaid as we are.

Slash, as we have heard, is going to be the mentor this week, so we get the grand video tour of all his accomplishments, none of which is "singing", but that seems to be the way of American Idol this season. Maybe they figure everybody is so alien-level good they don't need to be taught anything else, or maybe Debra Byrd is tired of being treated like she doesn't exist, I dunno. The most hilarious part of the presentation about Slash is that he's as much at a loss about why he should be the guest mentor as we are, which makes me suddenly like him. I also approve of his idea to work out the contestants in a real club instead of the boring, bedraperied piano room. My apologies to Jerry Lee Lewis, but pianos aren't an integral part of rock and roll, after all.

Adam Lambert is first up with "Whole Lotta Love", busting out the badass snarl as he tears into the Led Zeppelin classic with no hesitation. I am surprised the Prissmaster General at FOX let him keep the line "I'm gonna give you every inch of my love". This is really good, but it isn't considerably unique or even very different from the original. I won't label it karaoke, but it's like when some big star remakes an older song but they don't change it, so even if it sounds good, you're still like, why bother? For example, remember that group that did the remake of that Roxette song "Listen to Your Heart"? You know, the one with the little girl singer-DMZ, DMJ, whatever it was? It sounded so much the same I thought it was just some version Roxette did that we'd never heard, like an acoustic joint or something. It was so completely non-special that it sunk that band without a trace, apparently.

So anyway, my world wasn't rocked, but that doesn't keep the judges from losing their minds. Kara babbles like a crazy person and even Simon calls it one of his faves by Adam and says, "nobody can top that now", hoping it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. This is the kind of ridiculous hyperbole I'm used to hearing out of the other judges, but I have been laboring under the apprehension that Simon is supposed to be the voice of reason-I guess he still has his knickers in a twist over last week's scary vision of an Adam-free finale. Frankly, I think his becoming one of the show's producers has clouded his efficacy as a judge.

Next, Allison Iraheta will be singing "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin, but first she gets a Stool Chat (ew!) with Ryan, held under the Sign of Damocles. She credits Glambert's personal hairstylist for the awesome lowlights, then we see Slash bestow his approval and a peck on the cheek to Allison, about whom he worries as a possible stage-fright victim.

This is a very strong performance, however. She looks confident on stage and sounds wonderful. She seems very tapped in emotionally to the song, which is not always the case. Ms. Iraheta never seems to interact with the audience when she performs, but maybe the Mosh Pit Barbies aren't all that welcoming to a female performer.

The audience goes nutz when she finishes, but a quick shot of Randy and Kara show them looking dour and not clapping, so I know that something's afoot. Sure enough, Randy starts with, "Check it"-always a bad sign-and disses the song choice since there's no way to diss the singing. Kara piles on, saying Allison should have done "Piece of My Heart", because we haven't heard that quite enough on this damn show. Paula does offer praise, but then weirdly suggests Allison as the lead in a Janis Joplin biopic, which-never mind; I don't have the space to discuss how dumb that was. Simon starts with compliments, but calls the performance "soundalike", contrasting it with the "originality" of Adam's song, which: NO.

Allison finally loses patience with the judges and their stupidity (echoing my sentiments on the played-out nature of "Piece of My Heart"), and even though people are applauding her for getting fierce (including Kara, who apparently doesn't realize Miss Allison just took her own stupid suggestion to task), Simon just smiles, because he knows that no matter how justified, a rant can surely dig your grave on this show, which is why my husband and I are screaming, "NO, ALLISON!! SHUT UP!!" at the TV, trying to keep Allison from playing into Evil Lord Cowell's hands and ending up in the Lil Rounds Memorial Time Out Area.

The first duet is presented, featuring Kris Allen and Danny Gokey teaming up to sing Styx's classic, "Renegade", a song I completely adore. It's not a duet, but what do you do; it's two guys, after all. The soft singing at the start is good, and the harmony part sounds nice, but as soon as it kicks into "rock gear", the whole thing goes off the tracks. Kris sounds like puberty's still stalking him and Danny goes to the shouty place again. Way to crap all over a great song, dudes. Randy compliments the only part of the song they didn't ruin, the harmony, which shows what a positive, yet oblivious, guy he is; Kara called them on the "pitchy moments" but called it "united and strong". Paula uses "powerful and compelling" as her two meaningless adjectives, and Simon doesn't have any meaningless adjectives handy, so he falls back on the truth: "Danny was better than Kris". Ryan tries to give the boys an out by blaming the sound equipment, but Danny stupids all over it by saying he thinks they "overcame it". Maybe he needs glasses and a hearing aid.

Kris Allen Stool Chats with Ryan about his very boring Beatles issues, then the video shows Slash loaning Kris his own guitar and playing alongside him, which we learn almost provoked involuntary urination by Kris. The Beatles song Kris decided to sing is "Come Together". He does better on this than on the duet, but that's not too surprising, considering how vocally undemanding it is. He does throw a couple of glory notes in near the end, but it still sounds like your little brother rocking the rented karaoke mic at his bar mitzvah. Randy liked the guitar best, because this is of course a guitar-playing competition. Kara isn't impressed, so at least someone is keeping it real. Paula just likes Kris and ignores the mediocre performance. Simon hated it and uses the opportunity to pimp Adam Lambert as the reigning Chosen One (watch out, Simon; you're veering into backlash territory), despite the fact that this was certainly Adam's least interesting performance. Kris doesn't look at all happy, understandably.

Danny Gokey is going to be singing "Dream On" by Aerosmith. Except for cautioning Adam not to "improvise so much in the high register", which advice Adam didn't exactly heed, Slash doesn't really give anyone advice, I have observed, just plays guitar for them and makes a comment afterward for the camera. It's nice to know he's not even going to try to pretend being what he's clearly not (hello, Jamie Foxx and Quentin Tarantino!), and just be what he is, which is a nice Jewish boy with silly hair and substance-abuse problems who can sling an axe just fine, thankee.

Because of my love for this song in particular and for Aerosmith in general, I cannot forgive Danny Gokey for the inhuman things he does to it. His performance is just plain bad. He goes to the shouty place way too early, and-OH.MY.GOD! The screamy part everyone was waiting for? Gets so far away from him it leaves the studio, catches the shuttle to LAX and takes a plane to Minsk. I'll bet Adam Lambert just shit himself laughing. Randy tries to excuse his lameness with the old "we know this isn't your style" excuse, which: SO? Kara thinks Danny should do "early Aerosmith" instead, like "Cryin'" or "Crazy", which shows that not only can she not add up words in a short sentence, she also is challenged as to which direction time goes. Maybe she shouldn't have spent so much time partying at Studio 57. Paula also excuses the lameness of Gokey, but Simon calls him on the horror-film last note, comparing him unfavorably with Adam Lambert so that I can have one more little SEO bump but proclaims him safe for no good reason. Gokey doesn't think it was as bad as EVERYBODY JUST SAID IT WAS, but he's willing to allow that "they could be right". How magnanimous of yew! Ryan reminds us that Danny's the only contestant who's never been in the bottom three, and it strikes me that it's high time for a comeuppance.

Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta are dueting next, and I pray while fast-forwarding through the commercials that they will sing "Close My Eyes Forever" by Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford. I was totally obsessed with that song the summer it came out, and they would completely rock it! But no, they are doing "Slow Ride", by Foghat. Good grief. Another song that's not actually a duet. Another song that's got a super-boring, vocally unchallenging melody for the best rock singers on the show to perform. Who thinks this crap up? The good news is that they have the skills to embroider it. They totally rock out on it, and the judges pronounce Adam and Allison the reigning rock god and goddess of American Idol, as though that weren't a done deal the minute they landed in the semifinals. As they stand there, listening to the judges, I have to note one thing: I don't generally find myself checking out a gentleman's "area of operations", as Craig Ferguson calls it, but Adam's tight striped pants are too awesome, and I must stare. The Rock God commands it!

Simon's comments get cut off by my DVR as the show runs long again, but when he reappears, he's saying Adam may have saved Allison from going home. Jeez, I kind of thought both Kris and Danny TOTALLY SUCKING might have done that, not to mention Allison's excellent singing. Good night, does Adam have to get credit for EVERYTHING on this show, now? I love the guy, he deserves to win, and none of this is his fault, but even I'M tempted to bash him just to get up Simon's nose. Seriously, Lord Cowell needs to step off with a quickness.

Based on tonight's performances, Kris and Danny are the clear bottom two. I'm tempted to make it a tie, because Danny was better than Kris on the duet and Kris was no great shakes on his song, but he didn't completely disembowel it and then pretend he didn't know there was a problem, like Gokey did with the Aerosmith joint, and Danny wasn't a fresh breath of spring on the duet, either, so I'm putting him at the bottom of the Bat Rankings. Kris is more likely to go home, which is fair, because he really is the weakest of the three remaining. If Lord Cowell had his way, it would be Kris and Allison at the bottom of the heap, but I think people are going to see the light and let Danny sink a little. We can hope for a fair world, anyway.

Bat Rankings (tonight's performances)

1. Allison Iraheta -yet still could be bottom two

2. Adam Lambert

3. Kris Allen - dunzo

4. Danny Gokey