American Idol Season 8 Recap: The Top 4 Results

Slash informs us that "If it's not sincere, it's not rock and roll". Well, I guess it's pretty obvious why Danny Gokey is not rock and roll, but he's perfect for this show, isn't he? Oops, did I say that out loud? In the performance recap, Danny and Kris Allen are shown getting bad reviews and Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta come out looking pretty good, tantrum and all. I am hoping this translates directly to the results, but who knows, because THIS...is American Idol!!!

After the credits, Ryan reports that over 64 million votes were cast last night, the highest non-finale count yet. Ryan intros Randy Jackson as "the bomb dot com", which is pretty funny. I wonder if that's a real website, but I am too lazy to look. Check it out for me, will you? Kara DioGuardi is wearing the dress from Indecent Proposal because everything old is new again, or just because time means nothing in Kara World. Paula Abdul looks super cute and blissfully happy tonight, and Simon Cowell is arrayed in funereal black in honor of results night, or possibly he's just dressing to color-coordinate with his soul.

The Ford music video features the Idolettes as two-dimensional images tearing off of their respective billboards, bus shelter ads and newspapers to go chasing after a zippy red sportscar to the tune of the All-American Rejects song "Move Along". It's like that photocopier animation they used to use in music videos in the 1980s, back when it was fresh and interesting. Here, not so much.

The Idolettes then perform Alice Cooper's awesomely subversive song "School's Out" while accompanied by the Slash himself on guitar. This is actually a live performance, yet it sounds fantastic. Even Kris and Danny bring the rockness, even though they've returned to dressing in 'hoedown chic'. Allison and Adam have dressed appropriately because they understand these things.

Ryan teases Slash about not having eyes, and frankly, the man doesn't even have a face, in profile, so possibly the eyes are the least of the problem. Slash is rather more soft-spoken than you'd think, given his moniker, but he actually sounds a bit hoarse. Must have been out singing in a smoky club. Cigarette smoke destroys your voice, kids; don't even think about starting, okay? Anyway, Slash's "solo" album is going to feature vocals by a bunch of big rock stars, à la Santana, and that sounds like a good CD to me. Ryan chides Allison for slugging Danny during the performance, but she's going to wish she'd hit him harder pretty soon.

After the break, during which we are reminded that the first episode of Glee premieres after the American Idol finale on May 19, even though the series doesn't actually start until fall (I'd love to hear what the argument for that scheduling "strategy" was, and I wonder who's gonna get fired for it), Simon castigates Kris for being humble, and Adam scored the first Led Zeppelin song ever on American Idol and acknowledges his awesome, awesome pants.

Then Danny talks about how effin' hilarious his off-key screeching was and how he laughed the whole night over it, instead of doing what normal people do when they completely pulverize their song in a singing competition and agonize the whole night over it. But Danny Gokey is not like you and me; he rides a magical unicorn and farts flowers, so the normal rules don't apply. I know, I know, I shouldn't be hating on the dude. He seems like a really positive person, his family is adorable to an almost supernatural degree, and he has not ONCE tried to play the Dead Wife card, even when Simon tried to educe it from him, and I give him massive props for that. I'm just annoyed that this show lets him live inside this magic bubble of oblivion, and I don't think that's accurately preparing him for life in the real world. It was pretty funny that people were downloading the scream as a ringtone, though!

When Ryan asks Allison about her "feistiness", she said she doesn't usually talk back, which I totally believe with that take-no-prisoners mama of hers, but she very tellingly says "she was asking for it", thus confirming that it was Kara, not Simon, whose dumbass comments really set her off, but since Simon Cowell assumes that everything is always all about him all the time, he was the one who got nasty and told Allison to beg, and it was Kara who applauded the outburst, as oblivious to her own culpability as she is about what decade and musical genre Nine Inch Nails belongs to. She and Randy STILL point to SIMON as the instigator.

Paula will perform her new single, "I'm Just Here for the Music", next, and she gets the fawning introductory video ("Forever Your Girl" was one of the first CDs I bought, along with "Full Moon Fever" from Tom Petty, so I guess that means I'm commercial, yet eclectic). Paula is obviously lip-synching to a pre-recorded track, but since her real strength is dancing, I just focus on enjoying that, and she does very well. I am assuming she choreographed the whole number, and it is very entertaining, especially the fake Weeble Microphone and the part at which she drops into the arms of her backup dancers and then goes SPROING!! back up. I won't even hate on her for being vocodered like Jamie Foxx and Kanye West, since she made her bones way before the thing was invented. Like Madonna, it's never been about the actual singing with Paula. Unlike Madonna, we still like her.

After the commercial break, we hear from No Doubt, who are on tour again just for the hell of it, which is actually kind of cool. They perform "I'm Just a Girl", which is my least favorite hit of theirs, but it does bang right along, doesn't it. Gwen Stefani relives the early days of No Doubt with her tank top, baggies and twisty hairdo (where's the bindi, chica?) and her punked-out style of dancing. All this bouncing around and doing the non-girly pushups make her vocals a little breathy, but come on: We know she can sing the building down; it's not about that right now. The drummer, Adrian I think his name is, is sporting a Mohawk, black lipstick, a white tank top, a white tutu, black and white checked leggings, white socks, and black Converse with white laces. Well, considering it's common knowledge that he would vastly prefer to just be naked, I guess we'll roll with the tutu, then. Ryan interviews Gwen and ignores the rest of the band, but they've got to be really used to that by now.

The Idolettes are sequestered backstage to "await their fates" and also to watch a video of the Triumphant Homecomings of past Idol finalists Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice from Season Four, Elliott Yamin, Taylor Hicks and Catherine McPhee from Season Five, Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis from Season Six and David Cook, David Archuleta and Syesha Mercado from Season Seven. Except for a split-second of what might be Fantasia Barrino hustling through a crowd, the first three seasons weren't featured, and where the hell are Melinda Doolittle and Vonzell Solomon? At least they re-aired Archie's hilarious line, "Oh gosh, where did they all park?" when noting the size of his welcoming crowd.

After the video, the eliminations begin. The DoomStools have been repurposed as JoyStools, reserved for the lucky butts of the Top 3. Ryan makes a point to say the finalists are being announced IN RANDOM ORDER tonight. We will analyze this later, so make a note.

The four remaining Idolettes are brought to center stage, and their performances and critiques are reviewed. As in the video recap, Allison's critiques sound good, Danny's sound bad, Adam's are superlative and Kris's are mixed. One person will be sent to safety immediately, and of course it will be Adam, the only contestant who couldn't possibly be a cellar dweller, so let's not harsh the suspense.

But it's not Adam whom Ryan saves first; it's Kris Allen! Holy crap, there's goes my prediction for the week, shot down right off the bat. He looks very, very shocked. His adorable wife shouts with joy, and we are sent, stunned, into another damn commercial break. Well, it's going to be either Danny or Allison, I guess. Was one bad performance enough to unseat the Gokey from his unicorn, or is it Allison, who turned in the best performance of the night but had the nerve to tell the judges what we were all thinking, too?

We're going to have to wait to find out, of course, because here is Chris Daughtry and his eponymous band to do "No Surprise" from the new CD. Daughtry's song is okay, I guess. The performance is pitchier than a 15-inning baseball game, but props to him for doing it live, anyway. I am sure the recorded version is problem-free, but it just sounds like everything else he does. If you're not tired of that, so much the better for Chris Daughtry. Ryan revisits Chris's "shocking" ouster from Idol, about which Chris lies that he got over it "in about 30 seconds". I guess that 30 seconds came after you did several snippy interviews about it, then, Daughtry. After his song, Ryan has "the other Kris" present him with a plaque for platinum sales, and I giggle heartily when he sneaks it up behind Ryan's head as he leads us into a commercial break. Nothing like live TV, eh?

Back to the eliminations: The second person, IN RANDOM ORDER, to be sent to safety is Adam , who sweetly says "I love you" while hugging "little sister" Allison. They probably know the writing's on the wall at this point. Adam Lambert is a very, very nice young man. I could totally be BFFs with Adam Lambert. Not being a stalker, myself, I doubt that'll happen. If you ARE a stalker, I will kick your evil ass if you go near Adam!

Anyway, yes, Danny is the third finalist to warm a JoyStool, and Allison's homecoming will not be accompanied by a FOX camera crew. To his credit, Danny hugs her fiercely instead of gloating, but I am still pissed-not at him-at the stupid, stupid people who went into a frenzy of voting for anyone but Allison because she dared to open her incredibly talented mouth and let the truth come out, because the Screamy Tweens are still young enough to be brainwashed that nice girls don't stick up for themselves in the face of unfair and manipulative shit, which is how we have lovely stuff like domestic abuse, date rape, incest and child exploitation. Do your kid a favor, okay? Let her be strong, but teach her not to be so damn judgmental. Some grown women haven't even learned those lessons yet.

As Allison watches her video from the inset, it is very interesting to see her reactions to different clips: Simon's Lil-bashing "the girls' only hope" comment gets a frown, as do her performance clips, but pictures of her fellow contestants and Randy's incredulousness over the Punk Christmas Elf outfit elicit smiles and a laugh. I must admit, it's hard to watch her sing "Cry Baby" with tears still wet on her face, but she whips out the rocker attitude and does an admirable job. She approaches the judges' table and makes nice with Kara, who is standing beside Paula to cheer for her, hugs Paula, completely ignores Simon (heh!), and goes over to FINALLY do a little glad-handing with the audience.

As for the whole IN RANDOM ORDER thing: Allison came in last and thus goes home, but Kris clearly did not come in first, or they wouldn't have taken such great pains to make sure we knew the finalists were being introduced IN RANDOM ORDER. This leaves either Adam or Danny as the top vote-getter. Last night, Danny sucked and Adam rocked, so Adam earned his spot and Danny was saved by defensive voting by his die-hard fans, because if Danny's own aunt muted the TV during his performance, nobody was out there going, "You know, that's guy's really good. I think I will vote for him this week."

So, if Adam is shown in first place, the producers crap themselves with fear that the voting public will get complacent again, and if Danny is shown as the winner of the round, the viewers crap themselves with anger over the sheer idiocy of it all. So Kris, no doubt the third-place finisher, was the only choice to buffer the situation. I imagine he was thrilled to hear IN RANDOM ORDER over and over again.

Next week, the performers sing two songs each: a personal favorite (my guess is that if anyone actually sings a new song it will be Adam, but if he doesn't, I expect to hear "Mad World" again; Danny will probably revisit "Jesus, Take the Wheel" and Kris may do "She Works Hard for the Money") and a "judge's pick". This makes no sense with three contestants and four judges; why didn't they do that this week? I guess (Kara) we'll see (Kara) who gets (Kara) left out (Kara) next week (Kara), won't we (Kara)?

Bat Rankings (chances of winning)

1. Adam Lambert - it's preordained, AND he's earned it

2. Danny Gokey - he hasn't earned it, but he's better than Kris

3. Kris Allen - dunzo unless Danny screws up AGAIN