American Idol Season 8 Recap: The Top 3 Results

The American Idol...desk? Oh, Ben Stiller is here to plug his stupid movie. And some other guy, making fun of Paula. And Hank Azaria, and, uh, the fat guy from Superbad. Plugging their stupid movie ENDLESSLY. I never thought I would hate Hank Azaria, and I probably still don't, but this is pissing me off. Mr. Canary snaps, "I don't want to see the movie now!"

Credits, then Kevin Bacon sitting with-is that LeVar Burton? And where's Paula? Her chair is empty. Last time that happened, she was supposedly "getting ready for her performance", which was pre-taped. Ryan Seacrest reports a mind-boggling tally of 88 million votes for last night's performances and says that only a little over a million separated the top two. Oh, there's Paula, dressed as Heidi the little Swiss goatherder girl. Randy boos Simon because he is three friggin' years old and always will be.

The Ford video features the Idolettes as animated superheroes using their special powers to eliminate obstacles in their way and teach everyone to parallel park neatly. The funny thing is that the artwork looks less like the guys than my stupid caricatures (here see Kris, Danny and Adam). The cool thing is the song, an old Matthew Wilder joint called "Break My Stride" from about 1981, that was crying out for an update.

Alicia Keys is here to wild applause, and Simon lights up. He really is crushing on the brown sugar, is he not? He even flirted with Oprah! Alicia is trying to talk about the charity Keep a Child Alive, which helps kids in Africa facing high AIDS rates, but some chowderhead in the audience won't shut up. A Rwandan teenager named Noah is here to perform a song in English (not his native tongue, I gather) called "I'm the World's Greatest". Despite the name of the song, he's not the greatest singer, but he's hella cute, a good dancer and just lights up the stage. Ryan hilariously displays his own "dancing skills" after Noah finishes. Download Noah's performance on iTunes to donate a little bit to Keep a Child Alive, or text "ALIVE" to 90999 and remember to reply "Yes" to donate five dollars.

Back from break, and the rest of the Top 13-Allison Iraheta, Scott McIntyre, Jorge Nuñez, Anoop Desai, Megan Corkey, Jasmine Murray, Alexis Grace, Matt Giraud, Mike Sarver and Lil Rounds (although I never actually see Lil)-are in the hizzo. Ryan starts the results and calls out Danny Gokey to hear his fate. Seriously? If he's eliminated, the other two are safe and game over with about 45 minutes remaining, so it's not like there's suspense. We are shown Danny's return to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which includes making fun of Simon with the local FOX weatherman, a joyful reunion with Jamar (who could easily have been a semifinalist), a silly girl in a pink feather boa and pink plaid pants who chases the limo to the point of actual collapse, tiny bouncing cheerleaders, "he has good glasses and he lives in Milwaukee", "scream all you want", and first pitch at a Brewers game.

After all that, there are no actual results: Ryan just reads the feedback on Danny's performances and tells Danny to go sit down. Next up is Kris Allen's trip home to Conway, Arkansas (a suburb of Little Rock, apparently), where everyone screams and wants to pet him. Kris gets to go to his home, where his sweet dad gets adorably emotional, then he performs at a couple different venues (and we get to hear "Falling Slowly" twice-I forgot he even did that, and it was nice!), and he and his cutie patootie wife are thrilled and kind of freaked out by a giant, screamy parade.

Ryan gets all dramatic and asks for the lights be lowered, but we are hip to that skip now, so we're like, whatever, go sit on the couch. And he does, but then Ryan tries lamely to ratchet the tension back up by commenting about how "intense" it is tonight. Um, sure, Ryan.

After a commercial break featuring a trailer for a movie in which Eddie Murphy exploits an adorable young child for personal financial gain (family values, gotta love 'em), Jordin Sparks, still chubby but plenty gorgeous in a sparkly black minidress, appears on the Busby Berkley stairs amid extreme fog and lighting conditions and tears into her new song, "Battlefield". She sounds very good. The performance is pre-taped, but at least it's not lip-synched, Paula. On the other hand, she's not jumping off giant amps and being twirled around like a propeller whilst singing, either. Jordin makes an emphatic gesture with her left hand, and the gigantic ring on her index finger flies right the hell off. Hope nobody got beaned by that sucker.

VERY long promo for Glee in the commercial break. They're pushing that thing hard, but they'd better push it just as hard again in three months. I'm just sayin'. Okay, next up is...wait for it...wait for it...Adam Lambert!! SCREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Hee, Adam had a streaker! A girl streaker! Did she think she could "change" him with her aggressive female nudity, I wonder? During his trip home to San Diego, the weather girl macks on him then corrals him for makeup-application purposes, lots of screaming, he gets to hang out with adorable performing-arts children, such as he was in his younger days, at that very same school, in fact, and an aspiring young metrosexual boy cutely asks, "Who does your hair?" Adam drives cheerleaders wild, the streaker is apprehended with much giggling all around, and he sings the National Anthem without taking it to the church on the other side of town, so I heartily approve.

Ryan reads Adam's feedback, and we figure it might be time for an actual result at this point, but Seacrest's in no hurry and sends Adam back to lounge on the couch with the other two amigos. Ryan promises Katy Perry next and kicks it to a commercial.

Katy Perry is singing "Waking Up in Vegas", and she starts out in a tiny white Vampirella-meets-Fat-Elvis swimsuit complete with white satin cape that has "Adam Lambert" embroidered across the back. Zoiks! Is she touting her favorite contestant? Making fun of him? Noting his resemblance to the King? No clue. At least this really is a live performance (you can always tell because they show the judges, unlike in Jordin Sparks's joint, which only showed long shots of the judges' stand-, er, sit-ins). Katy always sounds a little out of breath when she sings live, but she's doing fine, and really, a Katy Perry performance is really more about the visuals. And by "visuals", I mean "eye-popping cleavage".

We return and it's time for Actual Results. The first person to go through to the finale is-holy crap! Kris Allen! He ducked my prediction AGAIN! Well, it's not gonna be Twilight vs. Harry Potter after all, folks. Gummi Bear, you've done it! Your tiny, cute sweet self will be up against the boy wizard or the sexy vampire, so let's see which one will eat you up, shall we?

And Adam Lambert makes it through to the finale! I'd been sure he would, but I'd been sure Kris wouldn't, so I guess I've been schooled about being sure, huh. And now I am remembering how Ryan said only a million votes separated these two, and my predictions that Adam would walk away with it are on shaky ground.

The plain fact is that Danny Gokey was the best singer last night, but he was cut loose, anyway. Allison Iraheta was the best singer the week before, and she got dumped, too. It's clearly not about the singing any more, if it ever was. So I am backing nobody as of now. They're both going to have careers, for crying out loud. So are Danny and Allison. So gentlemen, I'm just here for the music.

Danny's buh-bye video is sweet, and the show runs over during it. When my DVR kicks back in, he is singing "You Are So Beautiful" and sounding lovely, even better than last night. Everyone is on his/her/its feet, Paula is crying, and Danny was outrun by the dark horse. See you next week for Twilight vs. Gummi Bear!