American Idol Season 8: Wild Card Round

As Ryan praises redemption and tenacity, the Idol contestants are lined up on stage looking rather tense under Serious Lighting (thanks, Kieran). If they are assembled in the order of performance, then who is in the pimp spot? Why, Anoop, Anoop, Anoop is on Fire, of course. And there's effing Tatiana right beside him. Mph. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth, a little.

After the credits, Ryan introduces the Previously Selected Finalists as my brain turns to sludge. Can't we even be allowed to miss these folks for one damn day? Who are they, again? Ryan then intros the judges: Randy is wearing a grey cardigan with bright orange stripes and epaulets, bless me. WTF? He has chosen to accessorize this fashion debacle with a pair of giant diamond earrings. Both ears, people, because that's so gangsta, and that's how Sir Elton John rolls, yo, yo, check it out.

Kara goes for Sexy Schoolmarm in a prim white blouse and updated Gibson girl hairdo, while Paula channels Mrs. Robinson in a skin-tight leopard print top and skinny hot pink scarf that covers her cleavage...for now. Simon's got on the same boring shit he always wears. Randy boos when Simon is introduced, because he is three years old.

Each contestant gets a very short video intro wherein they express their gratitude for getting another shot. Jesse Langseth is up first, wearing a slinky black dress but ruining it by wearing yet another sweater from the Jesse Langseth Knitwear Collection. The singing is okay, the song choice ("Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus/ Chaka Khan) was okay, the judges thought it was okay, and that's the end of Jesse.

Matt Giraud is wearing a military-style jacket in his video. He's really into the Coldplay recently, eh? But he knows better than to sing them again, this time belting and falsetto-ing his way through The Jackson 5's "Who's Loving You", making it sound like a much older and bluesier song. Isn't it? I'll have to check that out. Ryan said it was Jackson 5, but he was born 15 minutes ago. Matt kicked ass on that song, but he is Not Anoop, so we'll have to see. The judges are so happy that he's back in his little Blues Box, where they will keep him with some leaves and a stick to recreate his natural environment. They will try to remember to feed him, too. Simon cracks on his outfit (from the Justin Timberlake collection of fedoras with suits and big, ragged neckscarves) because nobody can bitch about the singing. Randy actually almost comes out and says Matt might have the ability to unseat Anoop. That's possible, but only if Anoop tanks irretrievably.

Megan Corkrey sings KT Tunstall's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree", which is, IMHO, perfect for her. She looks cute in her black-and-white minidress, whose print kind of blends with the sleeve tattoo on her arm, over black leggings and accessorized with a bright yellow necklace, because yellow is SO the color this season. She does her funny little wiggle dance; her performance is by no means impressive, but it is serviceable. You know that I have called this girl as one of the Chosen Ones, and Simon blatantly confirms this by saying "it wasn't the best vocal...but it doesn't matter." Kara assures that the fix is in by saying "we need you." Need I present any more evidence, people? Well, Megan can relax now.

Von Smith , in a black and white shirt with large horizontal stripes under a black and white jacket with small, vertical stripes, sings "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word" by Elton John, and this time he puts much more emotion into it, fat lot of good that's going to do him. I like it better than Tuesday night's performance, which was good already, but Von is also Not Anoop, and the judges jump all over his song choice, arrangement and performing style, calling him dark, serious and boring. Sir Elton offers no protest, just rakes in the money.

Jasmine Murray is the next Chosen One to perform, and she busts out "Reflection" by Xtina. She sings it well, but I am not moved. She looks super-pretty and very commercial indeed in her strapless pink dress, but she has not sung a Rihanna song tonight, which confuses Kara. Randy and Paula don't gush as much as I thought they would, considering Jasmine's pre-selected status, but Simon makes sure to pick up the slack in the gushitude.

Ricky Braddy annoys me by recounting how the judges praised him for his "flawless performance" (and yet, wouldn't a flawless performance include advancing to the next round? one wonders), then redeems himself by choosing an awesome song, "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder, then re-pisses me by over-singing it to friggin' death. The judges aren't any more impressed by this crap than I am, and, hey, he's no Anoop. Buh-bye!

Effing Tatiana del Toro is up next, and here, verbatim, is her video: "I am in love with everyone and everything that has happened. I have found love and, God, I love what I do and I love to sing so much and I just want to show the world how much I love to sing and how much this means to me and to get a second chance, which is, nobody gets second chances, once in a lifetime. I am ready to sing for you, America. So much." Tatiana del Toro, ladies and gentlemen. She sings "saving All My Love for You" by Whitney Houston yet again, and succeeds in slaughtering it quite completely this time. It won't be coming back, and neither will she. Except probably for the finale, which is when they like to have the crazy assholes come back for, y'know, comic relief. Paula awesomely calls bullshit on her La Vida Loca accent, which came out of nowhere but only after Jorge was so successful with it. Coma la mierda, tu vaca estúpida. Entiendes?

Chosen One Anoop Desai, dressed in Geek Chic from JC Penney's Off the Rack Collection, offers up a repeat of "My Prerogative", and it's cheesy and stupid and completely unspecial, and the judges do not care because the Silver Stool of Destiny has been specially molded to cradle Anoop's butt, and Simon goes right back to the Megan place by saying the singing doesn't even matter. This show is slowly sucking my soul clean away.

After a practically interminable commercial break, eliminations begin. Jasmine is called first and sails through to the stool with her name engraved on it. Ricky is summarily dismissed. Next, Tatiana and Megan are called together so we won't have to wait any longer for Dramatic Crazy Latina Meltdown. Hope you have the popcorn ready! Megan is sent through, and effing Tatiana...oh, Jesus, do I have to spend any more time on this tragedy of narcissism? No, I do not.

Jesse, who wears the frozen smile of someone who is smart enough to know already that she doesn't have a chance because a) there are already two girls and there certainly won't be three, b) she's not Anoop, and c) there are still three people left. Bye, Jess. Von is likewise denied. Finally, Ryan summons Anoop and Matt Giraud for the moment of truth. Ryan asks Simon to speak...Simon draws in his breath... AND MY FRIGGIN' DVR CUTS OFF. It was set for an hour and four minutes, and effing Tatiana and all her attending bullshit are still ruining my life, or at least my recap. So I'm sorry, folks; I usually try to post my recaps quickly, and I never, ever read any other recappers before posting in order to avoid any outside influences on my opinion or my writing, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to hold off on this until I can at least find out what happened.

...Okay, no recaps have been posted yet, but I did see news articles reporting that both Anoop and Matt were sent through to make a Top 13, which honestly was the best outcome I could have reasonably hoped for, although I'm sure Jesse, who was told by Simon she "nearly made it", was not nearly as pleased to hear that the rules had been stretched as I was. Although this turn of events certainly doesn't fix the gender disparity, I won't complain. Now, I would still like to know exactly how things came to pass, so if anyone who actually saw the ending of the show would like to add their impressions in the comments section, please do. It's four-thirty a.m. and I don't have it in me to do new Bat Rankings right now. Next time!