American Idol Week 2: San Francisco Auditions

First up was 23-year-old Tatiana Del Toro. With long, mousy hair and a paper thin voice, Tatiana barely gets approval to move forward to American Idol's Hollywood round. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, which might only have been considered "good" at a high school talent show, but for a national singing competition her wiry vibrato and soulless soul probably won't take her very far on American Idol.

Her off-white snakeskin looking mini-dress with tulle stapled to the hemline gleaned more attention from the judges than her vocals. With hands clasped desperately over her heart and a puppy dog pout, she repeatedly broke out into song as Simon called her a drama queen, new judge Kara called her pretty and spunky, and Randy told her she was "wild and I like it". Somehow she made it through to the Hollywood round.

After commercials and the hideous fashion/people who suck montage, we met Dean Anthony Bradford. A self proclaimed "failed entrepreneur", Bradford showed up to his American Idol audition in a plaid jacket made from his aunt's musty old basement sofa-sleeper. Perhaps Dean Anthony didn't get the memo from American Idol producers that louder is not better because he belched out his rendition of "Stars" by Simply Red with the intonation of a foghorn. His whole body writhed under the weight of his crazy vibrato. Randy described his over-the-top performance as "torture", Kara and Paula flat out said no, and Simon took a swipe at his hair color. To which Dean Anthony responded, "the carpet matches the drapes." All four judges were sufficiently creeped out and the audition was over.

Next up was Jesus Valenzuela. Jesus was well dressed and handsome, and he turned up to his American Idol audition with an entourage of friends and family. Even though he is pretty, his vocals aren't memorable. When he sees he hasn't won over the judges he goes into a sob story about how he can't go back out and face his kids as a failure. Kara and Paula fall for the sappiness of the whole thing and they ask to see his kids. The two young boys come in, the girls swoon over them, even Randy gets suckered. So the guy with the vanilla vocals is in with three yeses and a barefaced no from Simon.

The next segment on American Idol commenced with a guy who can solve a Rubik's Cube in 24 seconds. Can anyone tell me how he qualifies as the next American Idol based on that talent? Didn't think so. Anyway, Rubik's guy is Dalton Powell, a dude with no job and no personality to speak of. He stepped into the American Idol spotlight with the confidence of a kitten and his awkward performance was really heart-wrenching. With closed eyes, he whispered a Yoko Ono style variation on Smokey Robinson's "Oh Baby Baby". It was so bad it made me want to take his hand in a guidance counselor sort of way and have him fill out an aptitude test. You know the kind, the ones that tell you if you should be a farmer or a lawyer or a pastry chef. Pop star would certainly not be on Dalton Powell's list.

Following the next break was the Summer of Love reel complete with nostalgic shots of Haight-Ashbury and Lombard Street, that sort of stuff. All that happy hippie stuff gave way to a colorful montage of Simon and Kara's spicy arguments. I realize that adding a fourth judge to this season's American Idol added a new dynamic between the judges. But calling attention to the bickering that takes place in front of the contestants is really unprofessional. I understand American Idol's desire to create tension in this phase of the show, but couldn't this waste of time be filled with some true talent? So far, nothing about this episode has knocked my socks off.

The next train wreck to be featured was Akila Askew Gholston. Poor, robotic Akilah believed that studying anatomy would help her be better opera singer. She yammers on about lair-nixes (larynx), tray-she-uhs (trachea), and wants to sing a capella-ly. After her frighteningly herky-jerky performance of her own song called "Make Sweet Love", Akilah apparently speaks out of her rear end when she says she was singing out of the "wrong rectum". The American Idol judges nearly kill themselves laughing and sweet Akila tries to justify her comment with a reference to lynginical cartilages. Whatever those are. She won't take no for an answer so Kara gently escorted her out. In her post-American Idol audition interview she remarked, "They made me feel like one of those contestants who couldn't sing." Wow.

So here we are, 41 minutes into American Idol and not a single superstar has emerged. Maybe I shouldn't have such high expectations. After all, San Francisco did bring us William Hung of "She Bang" fame.

Annie Murdoch auditioned next, without a song prepared. When she did finally sing "Summertime" from "Porgy and Bess" she screamed her way through it. Her voice was guttural, lyrics unintelligible, she was a sweet girl but totally talentless. Simon said she sang like she was drunk.

History (and conspiracy theorists) tell us that the contestants who make the finals of American Idol are never true amateurs. They've had record deals in the past or they were on Star Search. Adam Lambert waltzed into the American Idol audition room looking like David Cook and singing like a musical theater star. Oh, wait, that's because he's part of the cast of "Wicked". He had a very sweet voice, gentle and high pitched. It was a refreshing change from all the duds who had performed to this point. Paula said he was "brilliant" and Randy said it was "time for somebody like [him]". So off he went with his golden ticket.

The final American Idol contestant of the night was Kai Kalama. Before he even auditioned, it was foreseeable that he would be on to Hollywood. How did I know? Because American Idol producers rolled a shiny story about him taking care of his sick mom. Kai is a handsome man with caramel skin, deep voice and scruffy facial hair. His voice was nice, but nothing outstanding. I'm getting a Cinderella rags-to-riches feeling from him. He has the potential to be superstar sexy and with a little voice coaching, he'll go far in this season's American Idol competition.