Americans Do Not Quit!

Iraq is still an issue that comes up. It's like a cute little puppy who won't leave you alone no matter how many times you kick it...

Oh wait, that sounds kind of mean... ignore that metaphor, will you?

Oh wait, that was a simile. Damn it! I'm off to a lousy start tonight... Let me start again...

My Fellow Americans,

The issue of Iraq has consistently and rightfully been in the forefront of the public arena. Many members of the democratic party, good, well-meaning people, wish to remove our troops before the Iraqi government is able to properly establish itself. These folks are just flat-out wrong. America will be less secure if we quit and pull out. We cannot and will not quit. This is our manifest destiny... It's that Never-Give-Up spirit that has made this country the greatest society in the history of the world.

We are not a nation of quitters.

We are proud owners of the uniquely American trait: sticktuitiveness.

When American Smokers are faced with over-priced, over-taxed cigarettes, laced with chemicals that ensure tumors will have a tea-party in their lungs, do they quit? No, they do not. Though enemies known as emphezema and heart disease lurk at the gates, and every restaurant, library, and funeral parlor besmirch their ashy presence, they do not leave their solitary post, even if it means social ostracism as they stand outside of their office building during their lunch break, cigarette in hand, puffing away on the glorious fumes of independence. No, they do not quit. Nor should we quit Iraq.

When the media tells our beloved Obese Americans to remove their faces from the KFC bucket, or to withdraw themselves from the potato chip laden futon set in front of Wheel of Fortune re-runs, do they quit? Do they give up on their way of life? Certainly not. They stay true to their beliefs. even when a heartless doctor threatens diabetes and lops off a leg, those chubby crusaders remain true. They do not forsake their double-stuffed Oreo cookies dipped in bacon grease. Nor should we forsake Iraq.

How many Slutty American single mothers are forever chastized and lectured by the general population, soul-less politicians (unlike me!) and self-righteous family members who procl.. "Quit popping out kids, for the love of God!"

Does that deter the goal of these lazy-eyed, welfare-cashing, WalMart dwelling young women? Certainly not. In the face of adversity, and while her previously conceived children watch Comedy centra in the other room, she defies her critics, spreads her legs and accepts the seed from someone that, according to her own drunken words, "really truly loves me this time and only hit me those two times because of all the stress he goes through when he's in between construction jobs."

Does she give up on her beloved goal of raising nine children in a single bedroom apartment by the railroad tracks? No! She is not a quitter. She will not even relinquish her Meth habit!

Neither should we relinquish our habit of bringing democracy to the Middle East. Fear not, good people of Iraq (those who are left anyway...). We shall give up on you. We shall endeavor.

After all, not-quitting is what we Americans do best.