America's Fascination with Fear

Americans seem to love to be afraid. We love roller coasters and horror movies. We make gods out of Stephen King, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger. Adult diaper sales are at an all time high. Unfortunately, most people don't realize that the scariest person in this country actually sits in the Oval Office. Yep, that's right. It's good ole W. The Commander-In-Chief is the most terrifying individual I've ever seen in my life.

George Walker Bush was born with a silver spoon up his ass. His grandfather was almost literally made of money. His daddy was the president. He was a failure at everything he ever did. So, I guess he'd be the right guy to run the country, right? Fuck no! How did this happen? Was Al Gore really that boring a guy? I know that having Elmer Fudd Lieberman for a running mate didn't help him any, but good god! And what about John Kerry? I know what you're thinking. If one boring guy with the personality of cardboard couldn't win an election, that doesn't mean another one can't, right?

Here's what scares me the most about president GWB (hey, if you try to say it out loud as one word, it sounds like "goob." How appropriate.). Somehow, in two separate elections, half the country thought this guy was the best possible choice. Unfortunately, these things have turned into a popularity contest. It's like the school class president election. The geek vs. the dopey jock. Even though the geek might do a better job, the jock has a fake I.D., and can get you beer. For some, it's an easy choice.

He started the war on terror. Not by attacking terrorists, but by ignoring memos and other intelligence that said an attack would happen. I imagine the conversation sounding something like this:

CIA Agent: "Mr. President, we have some intelligence for you."

Bush: "Intelligence? I'll have none of that!"

I think I can sum up my distaste with Bush in one word. Nucular. Nucular is not a fucking word!!! It's nuclear. NUCLEAR YOU STUPID ASS! NOOO-KLEEE-ARRR!!! Just look at the end of the word. Clear. It's not pronounced "cular," it's clear. Add "nu" to the front of it, and there you go. Nu-clear. Damn it, it makes my nuts crawl up inside me every time he says it.

When I look at the last two presidential elections, I realize the fault in the two party system. There's nobody out there to root for. Politicians don't have charisma anymore. The Kennedys, Reagans and Clintons have all come and gone. I often begin to long for the likes of Ross Perot. Not the crazy conspiracy theorist Ross Perot, but the guy that made it look like an independent candidate had a shot. Ralph Nader, on the other hand, makes it look like an independent doesn't ever have a shot. Hey Ralph, when you lose with a total of .006 percent of the vote for the seventeenth time, it's time to call it quits. Jesse Jackson finally got the message. Maybe someday you will too. Oh, and when you figure it out, pass it on to Al Sharpton. He doesn't seem to get it either.

In examining our two parties, I become perplexed. Each stands by a hypocritical oxymoron of a platform. Democrats promote freedom of choice, yet gave us the "Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics" label. They promote gay rights, except for that whole marriage thing. They like peace, love and the death penalty. They want to help the poor and middle class get ahead while taxing the shit out of us.

Republicans are no better. They tend to be hippie hating, queer stomping, gun toting, country bombing, money-grubbing racists who base their entire belief system on the teachings of a long-haired Middle Eastern pacifist who wore a dress, never slept with a woman and was known to kiss other men.

Either way, they all love to give us a reason to piss our pants every morning. Democrats tell us how we won't have any Social Security money left by the end of the week. Republicans have that beat, hands down. They gave us the terror alert chart. Several years after the 9/11 attacks, we still have to listen to what color mushroom cloud we'll be looking at each day. I don't even know what any of those colors mean. Why don't they just add a new color. "Today we're at code brown, folks. That means you can feel free to shit your pants at any time." They should give the terror alert job to the weatherman from now on. At least that guy is smiling no matter what he says. It makes it all not seem so bad. I can see him now, standing in front of his map of the nation. "In the Midwest today it's partly scary with a chance of nuclear holocaust. Now let's take a look at the seven day forecast."