America's Got Talent Season Four Recap: Group Two Performs

After a recap montage of last week's performances and a reminder of the first five semifinalists to make it through (Acrodunk, Drew Thomas Magic, Kevin Skinner, Grandma Lee and Arcadian Broad), tonight's competitors are introduced: divergently-sized but adorably-newly-wedded Paradizo Dance; peppy old-lady dancer Carol Loo; pint-sized personality quasar Eleisha Miller; dog-and-frisbee act Tony Hoard and Rory; crowd-pleaser The Texas Tenors; tiresome triplet violinists Alizma; overrated but handsome young singer Charles Dewayne; Pete Peterkin, who doesn't look at all like Obama in real life; singing siblings The Voices of Glory; hoofing sisters the Fab Five; and the two acts returning for another shot, giant dance group SQ Entertainment and Memphis street performers the Beale Street Flippers.

These acts all vow, predictably enough, to Bring It, but Mr. Canary and I are of the opinion that this is a pretty weak group, overall. We both agree that Carol Loo, Eleisha Miller and Alizma were put through stupidly and shouldn't even be there. I think Charles DeWayme is overrated; Mr. Canary doesn't much care for Paradizo Dance (but I like them) and Pete Peterkin (I loved his audition, but he has really let his stomped-on-by-showbiz bitterness show since then). We're both meh on Voices of Glory and the Texas Tenors, and we haven't really gotten to see SQ Entertainment, which is always a red flag (not to mention they've already been eliminated). The only acts we're really looking forward to this week are Tony Hoard and Rory, the Fab Five and the Beale Street Flippers, so let the (yawn) festivities begin...

Nick Cannon's wearing a velvet blazer this week, the judges enter like it's the freakin' Academy Awards, Piers Morgan predicts more "buzzer action" (well, this'd be the week for it), Sharon Osbourne, in a stunning necklace and classy black gown, flirts cutely with Nick, who squeals, "You're making a black man blush up here!", and David Hasselhoff is probably drunk, a little.

First out of the box is the Fab Five, all dressed up like firefighters with sirens, flashing red lights and slidey-poles to convey the message that this act is hot, hot, hot! And it is indeed, as the ladies tear up the stage to Sean Kingston's "Fire Burning on the Dance Floor". I am impressed, as always, by the sharpness and precision of this group, as well as that the fresh-faced homemakers actually knew about Sean Kingston. Shawties know whassup; what, what? Giant Yes to the Fab Five, despite their woefully derivative name. Hoff claims he will set his house on fire so the gals can come and put him out. Which, okay: a) They are not real firefighters, Dingleberry; or b) Someone needs to put you out, I guess; or c) It's your house, David. Do what you need to do.

Charles DeWayne Dorsey, Jr., who has undergone an inexplicable name-lopping to Charles DeWayne (daddy issues?), is in the Product-Placement-Mart Unimaginative Question Area (which is just somewhere in the auditorium with a bunch of blue light bulbs on the screen in the background) to tell us who his musical influences are. He pegs himself as "an old-school cat", liking "The" Stevie Wonder and "The" Marvin Gaye, but if he had to choose "somebody contemporary", it would be...Whitney Houston??? Dude. You are 21. Years. Old. Don't get me wrong, an appreciation for The Stevie and The Marvin is very good indeed, but it also behooves one to know who is currently on the radio, and I don't mean the Adult Lite Mix station. The Mormon housewives are SO much cooler than you!

Hey, Charles is singing one of my favorite R&B joints, Grover Washington's "Just the Two of Us". I like that he isn't trying to sound like Bill Withers, and he does a good job at the piano, but I'm just not blown away, nor are the judges except for Piers, who is still unaccountably besotted with Charles. For his part, the young man says, "I'm just extremely thankful to be sharing my God-given gift with the world." That may have sounded humble to a kid who just expressed a plan to duet with Miss Whitney (seriously), but also sounds insanely arrogant. Should we be "extremely thankful", too? And do you actually think the world is watching this show, Charles? Hmph. I wouldn't say No to his performance, but I wouldn't bother voting, and that really amounts to the same thing, doesn't it?

Up next is grocery-store cashier and wanna-be dancer Carol Loo, formally known as Carol Lugo until the pain of four letters became too much to bear. She looks gorgeous in a silvery phony pony and shorts, but she still can't really dance, and Piers rightly buzzes her manic gyrations to Salt n Pepa's "Push It". Carol has an impressive amount of energy and physical ability for her age (or my age, for that matter), but she needs to take some actual training instead of just coming up with these wack moves on her own. Until then, No.

Tony Hoard and Rory, better known as Rockin' Rory and Some Dude, let's be honest, open their act with a Baywatch salute that greatly pleases the Hoff, who likes a good ass-kissin' as well as the next guy. Perhaps in a fit of jealousy, Piers slams on his buzzer as soon as Rory drops a Frisbee, which is several Frisbees in. He loses another over the edge of the stage, thinks about going after it, but fortunately gets back into the act without missing a beat. There is one more miss, but overall the routine is fun and still impressive. The dropped Frisbees are a mistake in throwing on Tony's part, which he owns up to after Piers nails him for it. I still love the dog for his crazy-eyed stare and his insane work ethic. Yes from me!

Eleisha Miller, who is to cute to be denied, is back, and I'm afraid she's going to sing again. From the very first line of "I've Got the Music in Me", the Canaries cringe, and it never gets any better. I'll give her this: She has excellent stage presence, hits all her marks and even has all the facial expressions down. She'll end up on camera one way or another, just not as a singer. I'm thinking emcee, so move over, Nick! Sharon kindly calls her on the vocals, and Hoff says pretty much what I just did. Although he actually buzzed her, Piers pusses out and lays the blame on her vocal coach, like you can somehow just acquire singing ability from the right person. Nick compounds the stupidity, belly-flopping into the river of Denial, telling her to keep on. Jeez, Nick! Anyway, No for Eleisha, obviously.

The tiny Zoe and the hefty Dave make up Paradizo Dance, and much drama is made of Zoe lifting Dave, although we've already seen her do it, seemingly with little difficulty, a couple of times, so whatevs on the whole "danger" thing. They perform to Beyoncé's "Halo", and Zoe is the absolute picture of grace in her flowing white dress. Dave, not so much, but he is there for her, especially with a very impressive straight-leg lift the likes of which I've never seen before (and I'm a SYTYCD junkie). The routine concludes with Zoe spinning gracefully on a suspended hoop, which makes me think momentarily of the ousted hoop-sex people. Remember them? Yeah, I just threw up a little, too. Sorry. Back to Dave and Zoe! My spouse is still unconvinced, but I think they made a lovely artistic impression, and the judges are likewise charmed. Big Yes for Paradizo Dance!

The Texas Tenors know how to get votes, singing Lee Greenwood's "Proud to Be an American" with all the extra cheese and flag-waving they can pile on top. It pisses me off when people use patriotism to get votes, like if you don't support them, you're un-American, or something, so Screw You, Texas Tenors! It's a No from me, but there is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that they will sail their sea of cheese right on through. At least Piers calls them on it.

SQ Entertainment is another one of those groups, like Breaksk8, FootworKingz and the Beale Street Flippers, that is using dance to battle its way out of the 'hood, and as I said before, that is a laudable goal, but since there are several other groups with a similar backstory, it simply comes down to talent alone. The intro video, which focuses on SQE's second chance to compete as a wild card, features Hasselhoff declaring, "We brought these guys back because we knew they had raw talent." Um, no, you brought them back because your boss said you had to. We were there, remember?

Aaanyway, the concept of this routine is a Mission Impossible-style heist (I guess), with the guys suited up in "Kevlar" vests and "night-vision" goggles, dancing to "Move if You Want It". The stunts are showy and cool, but the dancing itself is kind of so-so. The audience is into it, but Sharon and David offer fairly lukewarm praise. Piers, on the other hand, is willing to admit he was wrong about their not deserving to be in the competition, and much is made of that. I thought they were good, not great. The best I can offer at the moment is Maybe, because I feel like I need to first see the Beale Street Flippers, their most direct competition in this round, to really make a comparison.

Hey, Fake Obama! Okay, Pete Peterkin. Who will he be tonight? Oh, he's going to be Obama, again? I could have sworn he said he did about a zillion impressions. Oh, well, he did a good Obama. There's a piano on stage, so that's cool. He comes out as Obama, cracks some incredibly lame jokes, then says he is going to do an impression of Jamie Foxx, but he is actually going to do an impression of Jamie Foxx doing Ray Charles, as he dons dark glasses and sits at the piano to sing and play "Georgia on My Mind". It's pretty good (the singing and playing, and I guess the impression; the jokes were très dumb) and the judges are generally complimentary, but Pete starts back-talking, and his mouth basically writes his plane ticket home. Real Obama would never make such a bad impression on the voters, Pete. No for me, sadly.

Okay, Alizma. These are the pretty blonde triplets from Poland who won't shut up and sing like ass, but can play violin pretty well. They were advised to avoid talking and singing and just concentrate on what they can do well, which is play violin. I predicted that they would ignore this sound advice, and I was right. Not only do they sing, they start right out singing, and they are singing, get this, Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman", because when your vocal skills are marginal, it's always best to showcase them with a song by a legendary singer that everybody knows and can mentally compare you to. Oh, yes, and you should also ditch the one thing you are good at, the violin, about ten seconds into the act and replace it with a creepy stripper dance. Sharon buzzes first, then the lead singer dog-whistles a high G and Piers and David pile on their buzzers as well. Shows over, folks.

The judges all fuss at the girls for being crap singers and major hoochies, but the girls still don't get it. My theory is that girls from Eastern Europe are for some reason raised to think that the way to really be successful is to act like a total slut. Remember the Vampire Hookers from last year? The twin sisters who thought they could augment their shoddy vocals with pure sex appeal? They were from Romania, I think. And remember that chick who auditioned for American Idol a couple of years ago who basically did a whole strip act while singing "Bohemian Rhapsody"? She was a good singer, too, but it was just excruciating to watch. She was from Bulgaria or someplace nearby. Somebody needs to let these poor kids know that yes, being pretty is a big advantage, but that's basically all the advantage you need-you don't need to fling it at people like a hand grenade. There's a wide gulf between, "Wow, she's gorgeous" and "Wow, I think she might blow me for twenty bucks". No for Alizma, of course, but I'm sure they'll show up on a newsstand near you soon enough and figure they've hit the big time.

It's time for the Beale Street Flippers to do their stuff, but first we have to hear the Not-8-Mile music to indicate that these kids, too, are trying to leave behind their hardscrabble life (although it's tempting to think that making literal bucketfuls of tax-free cash for doing something fun might not be so hardscrabble, actually). Their routine starts with a cute special effect of them in a pink Cadillac that "races through the streets" via a video screen behind them, and then comes to a stop to let them out, whereupon much flipping ensues. They are good at what they do, but their show seems awfully small with just the four of them. Other acts have used backup dancers to add to the scale of the production, and that would have helped here, which is basically what all the judges say. I can't imagine these guys sustaining a Vegas show, so I would have to give this a No.

In the pimp spot, as predictably as the sun will rise and set, is the trio of adorable singing children with the tragic story (mother put in a wheelchair by a drunk driver), the Voices of Glory. They sing "You'll Never Walk Alone", and it is fairly abysmal. Their timing is off, the harmony is so-so, and yet according to Hoff, that's what this show is about. Well yes, this show is about cute singing kids and tragic backstories, but did you actually listen to this? Piers calls them on the iffy bits, but he and Sharon give props to the little girl, Nadia, which cause the older brother to suck his teeth a bit. The middle boy, who I think is just darling, stays politely quiet. They really are good kids. I didn't care much for this performance, so I officially say No, but I think they will be one of this round's winners, regardless.

In summary: Fab Five=hot hot hot!; Charles DeWayne=You're no The Stevie, kid; Carol Loo= you pushed it, I guess; Tony Hoard and Rory=work on that throwing and you'll be golden; Eleisha Miller= cute only gets you so far; Paradizo Dance= ooh, pretty!; Texas Tenors=dammit, don't make me come up there and slap ya; SQ Entertainment=nice moves, but is it dance?; Pete Peterkin=No Bama; Alizma=ewww; Beale Street Flippers=good, but go bigger! And Voices of Glory=disappointing, but we'll stick around.

Canary Calls for Group 2: I predict the five winners will be Fab Five and Paradizo Dance, because they rocked; Texas Tenors and Voices of Glory, for sentimental reasons; and Tony Hoard and Rory, because it's still an adorable act, dropped Frisbees or no. Everybody else was either meh or downright crap, so this was a pretty easy night to call.